Here are brief summaries of the 44 posts I wrote over the first 365 days of this blog. Or, in other words, here are 1,689 words to describe the 45,041 words
in all these posts.
I share a hodgepodge of insights (about myself as a child, my
emotions, and my impatience) analogies (sexual feelings as a locked door and
the effect of addiction on our perspective) and an image that represents the
analogies. I realize now that I completely repeated myself from two posts ago.
I review my recent progress in establishing a safe environment
with my wife, especially as it relates to forming healthy attitudes and habits
towards sex.
I assess my feelings towards my feelings. I conclude I have
emotional needs, even if I’m in the habit of burying them to avoid drama,
awkwardness, and embarrassment.
I review the book entitled We
Will End the Conflict Now: Victory Over Pornography From the Perspective of a
Recovered Addict and His Wife. I criticize the definitiveness with which
they talk about addiction even as I recognize that their book has very helpful
perspectives, tools, and insights. Overall, I recommend it.
I share personal advice about counseling I wish I would have
received before I started it the first time, including “Work to find the right
counselor,” “prepare before starting,” and “don’t think of it as a silver
bullet.”
I borrow (steal) the idea of “seeing ourselves in parts” from my
counselor to complicate the Cherokee parable of feeding two wolves in
ourselves. I also break down how all or nothing thinking robs me of significant
progress in scripture study and conference review; math is involved.
While I ultimately conclude that addiction is a disease that
addicts (wittingly or not) made ourselves susceptible to and resist treatment
for, I also acknowledge there are hazards in thinking of it in this way and
that recovery is possible.
I analyze my recent efforts to strengthen myself after a relapse
by theorizing about three legs of a recovery stool: accountability, motivation,
and safeguards.
I reveal my inner astronomy nerd by sharing an analogy comparing a
supergiant star’s gradual fuel corruption and collapse into a black hole or
supernova explosion with the human tendency to rely on less efficient fuel
(daily actions and habits) until we explode or collapse spiritually.
I confess a full relapse after comparing my gradual decline to
Kyle’s. I also brainstorm and commit to actions that will help me return to a
healthier place in my recovery, including improved safety network, in-marriage
celibacy, and counseling.
I compare recovery to a bank account, with recovery actions as
deposits and addiction actions as withdrawals. I make a chart with seven
specific deposit and withdrawal actions.
I claim that it’s mainly a desire to maintain (unrealistic)
optimism that leads addicts to perform mental contortionism (aka lying to
ourselves and others) and ignore the reality of their actions. I call this the
reality distortion field.
I apply Pavlov’s theory of classical conditioning to pornography
addiction to argue that many hobbies we defend as healthy and necessary are
actually adding to our struggle to recover and need to be abandoned until we
break the conditioning.
I draw on a quote from my sponsor—“we become disturbed to the
degree that we’re broken”—to explore how my frustration with life is actually a
symptom of my brokenness.
I share an epiphany I had at my first ARP meeting in five months
(doing SA meetings in the meanwhile)—that I have actually made progress, and
that my failures don’t define me or my actual progress.
I question common understandings of sobriety. I argue that it’s
not masturbating to orgasm, but maintaining victory over lust, facing our
weaknesses, and being true to ourselves.
After quoting Neil A. Maxwell about “educating and training our
desires,” I apply the principle to addiction recovery, especially as it relates
to hobbies that aren’t conducive to recovery.
I recount a meeting with my sponsor and his success as a
professional singer after his sustained recovery. I then trace my own failed
desires to become an artist and writer in hope that recovery will bring these
healthy creative desires back to life. Illustrations included.
I propose that comments on blogs function as an act of faith and
service, an investment in a community (similar to an allegory about heaven and
hell by Rabbi Haim of Romshishok), and an act of critical analysis that improve
our understanding. I include a chart of the types of comments and their
potential challenges and drawings to explain the allegory.
I compare addictions (like gluttony) to allergies (like
gluten-intolerance). I claim that we have just as much control over how
addictions affect us as someone with an allergy does over how it affects them.
Drawing of “Glutton-Free Bread” included.
Cuz it totally does.
I borrow (steal) an analogy from my wife about where we are in our
recovery—moving on from crappy rundown apartments to our own house…though it’s
under construction and still can’t provide shelter.
Silliness ensues artistically after a funny phrase on a fellow
blogger’s post. I still love milkshakes.
An attempt to manipulate my kids goes awry, leading to this post
questioning what makes us happy. I maintain that self-awareness and remembering
how we react is key.
A comic based off my last post visualizes how we have baggage that
we carry with us that will ultimately keep us out of heaven.
After quoting C.S. Lewis—“if we insist on keeping Hell (or even
Earth) we shall not see heaven…”—I explore ways in which I try keeping earthly
souvenirs while striving to be heaven-worthy.
In an effort to understand why otherwise obedient, good people
become addicted to pornography, I compare it to a sales pitch, where Satan
promises complete control over how you feel, complete safety from emotional
pain, and the whole package is available for free. I challenge each of these
claims, complete with a devil advertisement, a reference to the APA ruling that
sex addiction isn’t a thing, and a video for recovering addict Mark.
I relate lust addiction to Albert Einstein’s definition of
addiction—“doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different
results.” I then talk about how making telephone calls to support people helps
me escape the insanity loop.
I investigate how the story of David in the Old Testament is
applicable to addicts, drawing on the SA white book, personal application, and
the Bible Dictionary. Insult of Song of Solomon included.
Another silly visualization based off a funny phrase in a fellow
blogger’s post.
I analyze my fears—that my recovery program isn’t good enough to
sustain recovery, that the pain of withdrawals isn’t going to go away, and that
my marriage won’t recover—and my faith (pretty much the opposite). I update my
self-boundaries.
I share one of my favorite scriptures—“he that hath no rule over
his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls”—and
explore how my recovery attempts have shifted from the equivalent of drawing
lines in the sand to actually making walls. I set my self-boundaries. Funny
drawing included (colored by my son).
After an actual illness of the body that I was able to function
through, I compare the experience to addiction and comment on the dramatic
demands of the body.
After differentiating between “intimacy” and “sex,” these posts
explore how addicts lack, but desperately need, the ability to connect
emotionally, spiritually, and physically in non-sexual ways. Cool picture.
I rebut those who claim that “porn doesn’t hurt anybody” by
comparing it to passing up a full time job to pick up change out of the gutter
full time. I talk about financial, family, and skill capital that has been
negatively influenced. Picture.
I share three well-meaning quotes about why wives should be having
more sex with their husbands, then attempt to refute their logic—especially as it
relates to addict-affected relationships. In part two I include a further claim
that lack of sex is harmful; I analyze what kind of harm might come from no
sexual relations. I’m still not convinced my title makes much sense, but
illustrations included.
I review my first month of recovery, including communication with
my wife, motivation, and help from others. Analogies to juggling and
self-surgery combined. Fortunately, no illustrations included.
This is where I explain the title of my blog, especially as it
differs from the previous incarnation which focused on video game addiction.
Recovering as in “healing,” “to regain something that has been lost,” and “to
cover again.” Pictures and illustrations included.
I complicate the word and concept “pervert,” including statistics
about how common pornography use is and a word root analysis arguing that
“pervert”—literally “twisted all the way through”—isn’t completely accurate.
This is where I describe the origin of my pseudo-image, Robert,
the Hai Karate girl resister. A classy vintage cologne ad shared and analyzed.
I share the origin of my
lust addiction in this inverted super-hero-gains-super-powers story. I conclude
that not only did I not get super powers, but in some ways I sold my birthright
for a bowl of poison porridge.
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