However, it isn't as clear-cut as I originally thought. Did you catch the mismatched examples in that last paragraph? One drink of alcohol=sex? I don't think so. It would be more accurate to say one drink of alcohol=one lust hit...but that seems a little unrealistic, right? With immodesty everywhere (especially in hot weather) and lustfulness so widely accepted, surely there must be more to losing sobriety than ogling women in a supermarket?
I recently came across a short SA essay (see what I did there?) entitled, "What is Sex with Self?" It was from someone named Harvey A, who apparently had been sober for 26 years, as of 2010. I'm going to quote from a few paragraphs of it:
"Those people who wonder why they repeatedly relapse might consider that they have never really gotten sober. Yes, they stopped masturbating to orgasm, BUT nothing else changed. Some continued stimulating themselves but not to orgasm. Others continued watching internet pornography and others live in sexual fantasy while letting themselves become aroused. If this isn't 'sex with self,' then what do we call it?...
"What is the solution? Do we itemize each form of sex with ones self? Do we define specifically for each other? Do we merely continue to ignore this problem as a fellowship and just say it is part of progressive victory over lust? No. I do not believe these are the solutions. I believe the solution is in the statement, 'to thine own self be true'....We [discuss with our sponsor, saying] something like this, 'I do such and such behavior to sexually stimulate myself. This is a form of sex with self. If I do this behavior again, I will call it a loss of my sobriety.'"
Progressive victory over lust means we will make mistakes. However, I'm starting to feel that it's easy to stall out and plateau in those victories. It would be nice to just have a checklist of things that are forbidden, but I find myself constantly trying to push whatever boundaries I set for myself. If I really had an attitude of wanting to be true to myself, I would be more sensitive to my own thought processes and desires. Being true to myself is a boundary that resists my desire to push boundaries.
Let me share another way of looking at sobriety that goes along the same lines as what Harvey A. wrote. Here's an excerpt from a personal story in the SA White Book (page 23):
With no more resorting to 'drugs' to avoid the reality of my own emotions, I began to see and feel them. Raw nerve endings of resentment, negativism, anxiety, and fear became exposed. Above all, I think I was afraid of finding out what I was really like on the inside. It wasn't pretty. I discovered that uninsulated by lust, sex, pills, alcohol, or entertainment, I was a very marginal person and would have to begin growing where I had left off at the age of eight. And so the pain began. That's when I saw the truth of another paradox: We have to suffer to get well.
I really have felt those "raw nerve endings" recently. They desperately make me want to numb them with something--video games, ice cream, escapist entertainment, and lusting. It's hard to face my own weaknesses. I wish I could just go on with life. But there aren't any shortcuts in sobriety, and when I find myself trying to avoid the pain, covering it with some kind of medication, that's when I need to question whether I'm actually sober and in recovery. Not only is sobriety not comfortable, but it's painful.
So the next time I'm feeling the lust hunger, I need to work on my reaction. Rather than think about how I can find some loophole and still get lust hits while still maintaining "sobriety," I need to be more in tune with who I am and accept that painful feeling. Will there come a day when I can have sobriety without any pain? I hope so, but for now I need to remember that the pain from not hiding means I'm sober.
P.S. Last week I wrote about my ultimatum--write in my journal and control my video game use, or face a long-term ban. The first few days of the week things went pretty well--I had solo video game time and used it to increase my productivity. However, I'm sad to say that after those first few days things didn't go very well. I've decided to ban video games for the next four months. I'm going to have to be more specific, but maybe I'll do that in an update to my boundaries. Now that I think of it, I think I'll have to update them anyways when I move in a week and a half (!).
I recently came across a short SA essay (see what I did there?) entitled, "What is Sex with Self?" It was from someone named Harvey A, who apparently had been sober for 26 years, as of 2010. I'm going to quote from a few paragraphs of it:
"Those people who wonder why they repeatedly relapse might consider that they have never really gotten sober. Yes, they stopped masturbating to orgasm, BUT nothing else changed. Some continued stimulating themselves but not to orgasm. Others continued watching internet pornography and others live in sexual fantasy while letting themselves become aroused. If this isn't 'sex with self,' then what do we call it?...
"What is the solution? Do we itemize each form of sex with ones self? Do we define specifically for each other? Do we merely continue to ignore this problem as a fellowship and just say it is part of progressive victory over lust? No. I do not believe these are the solutions. I believe the solution is in the statement, 'to thine own self be true'....We [discuss with our sponsor, saying] something like this, 'I do such and such behavior to sexually stimulate myself. This is a form of sex with self. If I do this behavior again, I will call it a loss of my sobriety.'"
Progressive victory over lust means we will make mistakes. However, I'm starting to feel that it's easy to stall out and plateau in those victories. It would be nice to just have a checklist of things that are forbidden, but I find myself constantly trying to push whatever boundaries I set for myself. If I really had an attitude of wanting to be true to myself, I would be more sensitive to my own thought processes and desires. Being true to myself is a boundary that resists my desire to push boundaries.
Let me share another way of looking at sobriety that goes along the same lines as what Harvey A. wrote. Here's an excerpt from a personal story in the SA White Book (page 23):
With no more resorting to 'drugs' to avoid the reality of my own emotions, I began to see and feel them. Raw nerve endings of resentment, negativism, anxiety, and fear became exposed. Above all, I think I was afraid of finding out what I was really like on the inside. It wasn't pretty. I discovered that uninsulated by lust, sex, pills, alcohol, or entertainment, I was a very marginal person and would have to begin growing where I had left off at the age of eight. And so the pain began. That's when I saw the truth of another paradox: We have to suffer to get well.
I really have felt those "raw nerve endings" recently. They desperately make me want to numb them with something--video games, ice cream, escapist entertainment, and lusting. It's hard to face my own weaknesses. I wish I could just go on with life. But there aren't any shortcuts in sobriety, and when I find myself trying to avoid the pain, covering it with some kind of medication, that's when I need to question whether I'm actually sober and in recovery. Not only is sobriety not comfortable, but it's painful.
So the next time I'm feeling the lust hunger, I need to work on my reaction. Rather than think about how I can find some loophole and still get lust hits while still maintaining "sobriety," I need to be more in tune with who I am and accept that painful feeling. Will there come a day when I can have sobriety without any pain? I hope so, but for now I need to remember that the pain from not hiding means I'm sober.
P.S. Last week I wrote about my ultimatum--write in my journal and control my video game use, or face a long-term ban. The first few days of the week things went pretty well--I had solo video game time and used it to increase my productivity. However, I'm sad to say that after those first few days things didn't go very well. I've decided to ban video games for the next four months. I'm going to have to be more specific, but maybe I'll do that in an update to my boundaries. Now that I think of it, I think I'll have to update them anyways when I move in a week and a half (!).
This is a hard one to swallow. I sent this link to my sponsor. Fantasy is so easy to justify. Or viewing without masturbating. Thanks for the wake up call. :/
ReplyDeleteThis is a tough subject. Because of uninvited thoughts that daily pop into my head I usually chaim that I am only "half sober," even though I have not acted out for five months.
ReplyDeleteWow, Robert. I remember being in recovery about a year and reading the "Throwing Marbles" book and realizing that I was still holding on to fantasy. No, it wasn't sexual, but it was leading to that more and more often and I realized I needed to let it go. It was hard, but it was keeping me from true sobriety. This is a great post!
ReplyDelete