I wanted to write a post about something my counselor told me and my wife this week. He calls it "viewing ourselves in parts."
The basic idea is that Satan loves it when we think in black and whites. It's either "I'm worthless. No one is as messed up as I am. I'm unfixable" or it's "I'm fine. We could easily fill the conference center with people who struggle with this issue. No problems here."
The truth is that we each are made of countless parts, some of which are contradictory. There's a part of me that's humble. There's a part of me that's prideful. There's a part of me that's addicted to pornography. A part of me that loves my wife and children. A part that is service oriented. Part that's selfish. Wise. Guilty. Confident. And on and on.
The story of the old cherokee grandfather telling his grandson about two wolves battling inside him is applicable here. Except instead of just two wolves, there are dozens, of every color, shape, and disposition. We sometimes feel like our addiction erases (or at least trumps) every positive aspect of our past. The truth is that there are parts of us that are still worthy, valorous, and spiritual. But they've grown comparatively smaller because we've been more preoccupied feeding the selfish, the dirty, and the corrupt.
One final thought. Sometimes I don't work on feeding the best parts of me because I fall into all-or-nothing thinking. I think, "if I can't read more than five minutes in the scriptures every day, it's not worth it." I got to thinking, though, how much is five minutes a day? Let's say in five minutes I can read one page in the scriptures. If I would have spent that five minutes over the 17 years of my addiction, I would have read the standard works two and a half times (The Bible--1590 pgs + The Book of Mormon--531 + The Doctrine and Covenants--294 + Pearl of Great Price--61 = 2,476 pages; 6,205 days).
Or, if I would have spent five minutes a day reading general conference talks (assuming I can get through two a week), I would have been able to read every single general conference talk since 1971--including from the women's meetings/Welfare sessions...with a few hundred left over (I didn't count every one, but I randomly sampled this many--41/36/32/35/38/36/38/38/37 with an average adding to about 1,540. 1,768 bi-weekly talks over 17 years). Imagine if I'd spent ten minutes a day and done both the scriptures and the general conference talks! How would my life look if I had read the scriptures two and a half times and studied every conference talk available on the church's website? I suspect if each day I could make a slight, even imperceptibly minuscule effort to improve any part of me, over the long term there would be monumental changes.
It's easier to give up trying to improve ourselves because Satan tells us we don't need it (cuz we're so awesome) or it won't help (cuz we're so messed up). But we need to trust that God--who knows us perfectly, including our messed up parts and our amazing parts--loves us and sent his son to atone for us because we can change and are inherently of great worth.
Great thoughts!
ReplyDeleteBut I'll be honest. I struggle with this, though, because I was reading the scriptures, reading Conference talks, etc, but still being active in my addictions. I think part of it the intent of our heart. I was doing the Primary answers without real intent. I still remember reading my scriptures and/or praying and then getting in bed knowing full well I was going to masturbate. I had a testimony, but because I refused to acknowledge my addiction, these actions were futile. They couldn't help me because I wasn't being honest with myself and with the Lord. I was looking at certain parts of me and ignoring others. It is only by turning to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that we can be healed and then studying the words of the prophets and praying are meaningful because we know and want to be closer to our God and Savior. We want them more than the addiction. I was studying the doctrine, but I was also preoccupied with unworthy behavior.
Good point. It's not a good idea to equate recovery with easily measurable actions like reading, kneeling, attending, etc. It's much harder to measure real recovery and honesty. It's probably too much of a stretch to go from unwillingness to study for five minutes to consistent and meaningful study... and humility, honesty, and testimony definitely has to be behind it, but I'm still amazed at how far a little consistency goes.
DeleteAs far as the parts idea. Is it possible to increase the addiction part and the spiritual study part? Probably not (I'm thinking of the "serve God and mammon" scripture). Still, attempted goodness might count for something?
Well, I think you can try and attempted goodness does count, because I know the Lord helped me when I reached out to Him and I know it did make recovery a little better, because I could recognize when I was just doing things to "be good." I agree that Consistency is key. Once I was consistent in recovery, in studying the scriptures, in seeking out the word of the Gospel and the Lord, THEN it was blessing me.
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