- A lot of people start using pornography as a coping mechanism because 1) of something traumatic that happened or 2) because of under-developed attachment skills. I'm more the latter.
- There are understandable reasons behind using pornography/masturbation--it calms us down when we're stressed, it helps us numb and escape (momentarily at least), etc. We eventually conclude that the destructiveness that comes along with this behavior isn't worth these barbed benefits. But we're not crazy or inherently evil!
- When we've come to believe false core beliefs, we can either turn inward to use pornography to try to numb out the negative feelings, or we can turn outward to learn the truth about ourselves and face our life difficulties with help from those who identify with and support us.
One more thing he's asked me to do is use the Cor-Cards from Lifestar. These are index-card-sized daily checklists of things we want to do to live more intentionally, shifting our thinking from our limbic pleasure center to our thinking brain--the cerebral cortex (hence the "Cor" card). I wasn't willing to do this...well, not in the exact way he recommended. I ended up customizing the daily checklist and making my own card. Here it is:
The four-columned box near the top is from a conversation I had with my counselor. I realize that unhealthy behavior doesn't happen in isolation. The basic idea this column operates under is something happens (the "stressor"). In reaction, I feel certain emotions. So, sticking with the grading example, students turn in essays and in reaction I feel irrational fear, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, etc. The "underlying" column is the assumption that there's some cause for these feelings. Did I have a bad experience with grading and a student freaking out? Do I doubt my abilities because of some teacher? Do I have earlier memories where I came to think of myself as stupid and incapable of critiquing others? Finally, I come up with a game plan (the "solution") to keep these emotions from ruining my life and pushing me towards unhealthy coping mechanisms.
The three-columned "taking care of myself" box is pretty self-explanatory. The "emotionally" column might be for things that I need for myself, like expressing my first box to a support person, giving myself permission to take a break, writing in my journal, or healthy entertainment in limited quantities. As a side note, I've had some pretty good luck recently with the "physically" by playing racquetball with friends, and the "spiritually" by starting each morning with a general conference talk and other recovery reading.
The next two are an attempt to learn from my mistakes and successes each day. This is where course corrections and healthy habits can be identified and reinforced. The last two boxes are also pretty self-explanatory (Laura is my wife).
I'm not advocating this particular format, but I do think it's important to get in the habit of being daily accountable for our behavior. I love that this is something that's not directly related to pornography and addiction--it's the underlying lack of skills and healthy habits that lead to them.
A quick note in closing. On the back of the cards I have a logo and a box for a quote. Here's my quote for tomorrow: "No matter how you begin to obtain relief [from addiction] those solutions will never provide a complete answer. The final healing comes through faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and obedience to His commandments" Richard G. Scott. I recognize that these cards can't heal me--only One person can do that--but they can help me identify my faulty core beliefs, solidify my plans for healthy living, and practice long-term positive thinking.
