Intimacy (Part One)

Disclaimer: Because, as I'll establish, I'm no intimacy guru, the purpose of this post is for me to learn rather than impart knowledge. I've recently come upon these ideas, and I want to explore them more in depth.


"Intimacy" to some people is synonymous with "sex." A few months ago I probably wouldn't have been able to say much more about intimacy than that. Still, I've become convinced that there's much more than a single act to creating a healthy, intimate relationship--especially with a spouse. Even when it comes to physical intimacy with a spouse, there's much more to building a strong relationship than just "doing the wild thing." In fact, I believe that understanding the principles of intimacy, whether or not you call them that, is essential to healing a marriage affected by sexual addiction.

The word "intimate" comes from the Latin for "very close friend."  It has no sexual connotation and indicates friendship reaching to the innermost, deepest parts of each individual. You might think that sex addicts are experts at being intimate, but, ironically, an acting sex addict is incapable of being truly intimate with anyone. One reason might be because as addicts we are ashamed of our innermost selves--opening up fills us with terror and thoughts like "she could never love me if she knew what I am." So we disconnect from people--emotionally and physically. Another reason might be because lust addiction creates a false sense of control and safety. Creating actual intimacy requires shared vulnerability, so addiction lures with the promise that we can control when and how we feel pleasure, with no danger of being hurt by any living breathing human. It's all a lie, though, because not only are we not in control, but the lust--the thing promising control and safety--is slowly poisoning us, hurting us more than failed intimacy ever could (there's a full post on this idea coming up).

There is another word that is spelled the same as "intimate," though it's a verb who's third syllable is stressed (to "in-ti-MATE"). It means "to indicate or make known indirectly." It could be used in the sentence, "spouses who don't communicate well will try to intimate their desire to be sexually intimate through lame, half-spoken requests ending in 'you know'--e.g.: 'could we...you know...?' or 'I kind of thought we could...you know...?'" Using the verb is NOT how to build an intimate marriage! There is nothing inferred or indirect about the kind of intimacy that I'm talking about. Intimacy is intentional; it demands our deepest, innermost selves. Intimacy requires vulnerability and trust. It doesn't just happen. It's established through the conscious building of emotional, spiritual, and physical connections.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is more than just shared experiences or talking together. In my experience, it's most often a blend of the two. While sitting down next to each other and watching a movie/tv show together isn't meaningless, if it doesn't lead to a discussion (about how the movie/show was made, reactions and thoughts about it, analyses of the choices the characters made, or something else), it hasn't helped build intimacy. Some times after a movie it feels like the only shared experience was to get our brains dulled next to each other.

I've had relationships that are mostly based on watching movies and/or playing games together. I "hanged out" in this way with people for years, but by minimizing our discussions of hopes and fears for the future, present thoughts and plans, and past trauma and successes, our relationship was much more shallow than it could have been. Put another way, (this is from the movie Fireproof, based on ideas from the book The Love Dare) if I compare my relationship with my spouse to an education, I probably had my bachelor's degree in her by the time we were married, but I need to continue studying her until I earn my masters and eventually my doctorate degree in her after decades of marriage. Some relationships aren't even in higher education. They're repeating the same grade in jr. high over and over because they're too busy skipping school to watch movies, play video games, make out, or (insert other shared hobby here).

Here's this same idea from Jeffrey R. Holland's "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments":

"... a total, virtually unbreakable union ... an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess--their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple."

Part two coming up.