Self Boundaries


Boundary #1: I will not watch/play any form of entertainment that is *unacceptably triggering. If I feel that part of my desire to watch/play something is to be sexually stimulated, I will cut myself off from all entertainment for at least a week to give myself time to gain a clearer perspective of my motives and self-control.

*I will define "unacceptably triggering" as anything that I would make me feel shame watching with my wife. For example, the other night we were watching a Disney movie. Safe, right? Well, watch Aladdin and you'll see bare midriffs all over the place, the genie summoning sultry dancers, etc. I was embarrassed in places, but not really triggered and shamed. If I had been, I would probably need a break from entertainment to assess my recovery/entertainment criteria.

Boundary #2: I will not watch/play any form of solo entertainment; anything with someone else won't be for so long that I feel guilty. Right now (9/6/14), that means only family movie night, an hour of video games on Saturday with the boys, and whatever game or show my wife wants to watch after the kids are down (and no Minecraft). The due date on this is for the next three and a half months (until the end of Fall Semester)...then I'll reevaluate. 

Boundary #3 I will do some kind of check-in with my wife every night. At the very least discussing general things about the day and saying a prayer together. Preferably a more in-depth FANOS (Feelings, Affirmation, Needs, Own, Sobriety) or vowel (Abstinence, Exercise, I, Others, Unexpressed, Yay!) conversation framework.

Boundary #4: I will get my work done ahead of schedule. If I get to the point where I feel pressure, guilt, and disturbance because of procrastinating my work, I will discuss with my wife what needs to change (most likely bed/getting-up times). 

Boundary #5: I will monitor my eyes and thoughts while around people in public, and I will achieve progressive victory over lust. If I fail to monitor and control my eyes/thoughts--to the degree that my conscience tells me is "progressive"--I will discuss the instance with brother. I will share enough details that I feel completely honest about it. No compensating behavior afterwards can change the need to discuss it.

Boundary #6: I will not try to initiate sexual intimacy with my wife without her feeling safe and affectionate. When I do initiate physical intimacy, it will be verbally clarified, with specifics, clear expectations, and time limits: "Hey *honey-lovey-dovey, may I cuddle/make out with you for ten minutes if I promise that it won't lead to anything else and will be an end in itself?" If I find myself not holding to the above, I'll bring it up in our nightly check-in so we can discuss our feelings. 

*My wife and I don't use nick-names at all, so this was a joke. Maybe it went a bit too far, since she said it "made her cringe" when she read it.

Boundary #7: I will attend recovery meetings at least once a week; I will encourage my wife to attend the support group meeting once a week. What this looks like now (9/6/14) is the Tuesday night ARP meeting for me and the Thursday night support group meeting for my wife. If I find myself debating whether or not to attend a meeting, I will talk to my wife or brother to ask their opinion.



I reserve the right to tweak this list. I hope what that means is that I'll be able to drop ones that aren't needed, and loosen up the temporary boundaries in 2, 6, and 7. I'm willing to tighten, add to, or revise these so they're more conducive to recovery. We'll see.

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