10/23/16
Have I harmed myself or others physically, emotionally, or spiritually?
This is one of 36 questions Step Into Action asks at the end of step one to get me to realize the exact ways and the degree of my powerlessness/unmanageability. Many of the other questions were a "not really" or a "not recently, but in the past yes." This one I feel confident is going to be a resounding "YES!" for every addict. By definition, addicts' behavior damages 1) our brains and thinking, 2) the way we cope with life difficulties, and 3) our relationship with God...all in profound ways. I suspect (and I wrote this in the margins) that I can't even comprehend the degree that my addiction has set me back or hurt those around me. I probably will never know in this lifetime.
What have I done that I didn't want to do?
My first reaction to this question was a kind of "duh, lots of stuff." But then I started thinking--why did I do it if I didn't want to? I amended my answer to "see my step one inventory. Everything (and nothing) fits into this category." There was part of me that wanted to do everything I did. There was another part of me that was repulsed and knew what I was doing was wrong. That second part didn't know how to stop or gain traction against the other part. What is the real me? I'm choosing the better part of me, no longer listening to the self-destructive ideas and not giving up because I don't know exactly how to stop and stay stopped. I have faith that I will be able to say "I've been in recovery for 35 years" in my future.
10/24/16
How has my illness affected my reputation, my social standing?
A lot of my answers to these questions revolve around the fact that I've isolated myself a lot in my addiction. I haven't really made an impact in a lot of ways because of fear, selfishness, and pride. On the other hand, now that I'm working on improving myself, I've had to make decisions that are right but also not the best. For example, there are a number of my female colleagues at work that view me as distant and cold because I've gone out of my way to not talk with them or be friendly. I defend that behavior until my recovery is more rock solid, but it still makes me sad that my addiction still affects me, even though I'm working my recovery more now than I ever have in the past.
10/25/16
Our fear of returning to our addiction was greater than our fear of how the group might react.
This was in a section where they were talking about sharing the first step inventory, but I would expand this to all recovery behavior. My fear that I will return to my addiction is greater than my desire to not reach out to recovery buddies in a phone call. Fear of addiction is greater than my unwillingness to face X thing that I'm stuck on and really not wanting to do. Also, in the margins I comment that this isn't the same as jumping from a burning skyscraper because we're afraid of the flames behind us...this is abandoning a sinking ship in favor of a life raft. I admit that to the addict who's been caught, the former analogy might seem appropriate (hmm...lose my addiction or lose everything I have...is there a third option?), but what seems like jumping out of a window to certain death is actually the much more certain fate of being saved in a life raft.
10/26/16
Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
This is one of the rare times when I criticize SA. I think it's important to not alienate people who don't really believe in God or who believe in God differently than I do. However, as someone who does believe in God, I'm not entirely comfortable with "using" god, thinking about him as a higher power synonymous with the group I'm attending. In the Doctrine and Covenants there's a scripture about how every blessing has a law on which it's predicated--it doesn't say we have to understand the law to get the blessing, only that we obey. So for the people who become selfless and recover thinking of their higher power as the group, I don't have any problem with God blessing them. However, I agree with those in SA-L, who decided to split with SA over the lack of having God be central to the program. That said, I like the ARP phrasing better--"Come to believe" (love that imperative verb form) "that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health." I like the "spiritual health" over "sanity," although I completely admit that I'm insane in my addiction.
10/27/16
We began to accept the stark truth that sex or romance could not fill the hole in our souls.
Addiction is so hard to describe. Any kind of analogy falls short, but I love this abstract concept. What does it even mean to have a hole in your soul? I don't know, but trying to find fulfillment through living a hypocritical double life leads to it.
10/28/16
Lust was another god I held on to. The electricity of lust could give me hope on a bad day. I came to rely on it.
My last therapist said this to me--that using lust to cope with my problems is one way to deal with life's problems. And it works, to a degree. But it also comes with unavoidable, subtle, devastating side-effects which make it not worth it. I'm done trying to find a way to make it work. I'd rather not cut corners but find ways to deal with my issues in healthy, appropriate ways.
My problem was that I wanted a standing ovation for taking out the garbage. I had to be right. I couldn't say that I was wrong about almost everything in my life. If I admitted that, the very thing I believed in--me--would be annihilated.
If three years ago I could see the amount of work I do around the house I would confused/angry that my wife doesn't bow down to me and do everything I want. But guess what--I'm doing work that I was supposed to be doing anyways! I don't get extra bonus points for doing what I should be doing to make my marriage an equal partnership. Also, I want the confidence that comes from knowing that if I fail, it doesn't mean that I'm worthless. I base my value on the knowledge that I actually am a child of my Heavenly Father and that I honestly am trying to understand and do his will for me.
10/29/16
"What is the next right action I should take?"
I think this is a fantastic question to ask myself. Not "I have X months of sobriety, can I handle this?" As the White Book says it, that's backing away slowly from my own personal hell, not running towards heaven. I would rather not push my recovery to the limits of what I can get away with--I'd rather push myself to the limits of how much better I can be each day. If I took every junction of each day as a chance to decide to do the next right action, as I understand it in that moment, I wouldn't ever fail in my recovery.
I am only insane, not evil.
WHEW! Is that all? :) Seriously though, I acknowledge that my years of indulging in addictive behavior as a crutch to dealing with life problems has crippled my rational thinking. I need to work hard, mistrusting my tainted impulses as I stick to recovery buddies who have the kinds of recovery that I want. I'm not inherently a bad person, even though I've made bad enough decisions for long enough that bad actions come easy to me. But I don't have to stay that way!
10/30/16
3 Nephi 20:23 Behold I [Jesus] am he of whom Moses spake, saying: A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you of your brethren, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass that every soul who will not hear that prophet shall be cut off from among the people.
At first I was kind of confused with this comparison. Jesus is often compared with glorious objects (the sun, morning star, etc.) or with general things (the shepherd, etc), but not so much with specific people. "I'm like Moses" seems a bit strange to me, but then it occurred to me: Moses was standing on the shores of the Red Sea. He had his back to a body of water, and an army coming to kill him and his people. There was nothing he could do. But through God's power, he was able to part the sea and bring his people through to the promised land. Similarly, I'm standing with Jesus by the shores of an ocean I can't cross. There's an army coming to kill me. There's nothing I can do. However, I can rely on Jesus, who can part the waters for me, letting me escape my inescapable enemies and cross the uncrossable barrier to enter into the promised land. Every time I choose to rely on him instead of justifying my behavior I'm taking a step through the waters, working my way towards a peaceful and happy existence. Of course, if I don't stay vigilant, it might take me 40 years to get there, but I'm hoping not.
Sunday, October 30, 2016
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Understanding, Accepting, and Admitting my Powerlessness (More Step Into Action Work)
10/17/16
By accepting reality, by acknowledging our disease, by embracing our failure, we found hope. This was the start of surrender. We began to build a road to recovery.
There are so many paradoxes in the gospel--Jesus tells us that those who seek their life will lose it. How can that be possible? Even if I wasn't an addict, if I try to earn heaven I'm going to fail. But as an addict, I don't even have the luxury of pretending I can do it. If I'm being even remotely honest I KNOW I can't. And strangely, that's what it takes. Also, I like the idea of me being in the desert, trying to get to recovery, but I need to build roads and bridges over chasms to get there. It's tough work.
I am powerless over lust. It does not say I am powerless over my compulsive sexual behaviors.
I think this is an important distinction. I can't control how I react to lust...and how I react is an instinctual selfishness, pride, and countless other self-destructive tendencies. However, I DO have power over how I prepare for life difficulties. I can cut off my access, reach out when I start making bad decisions, and countless other recovery skills that I've learned over the last two and a half years.
10/18/16
One of the biggest stumbling blocks in our efforts to become and remain sexually sober is our inability to fully understand, accept, and admit our powerlessness over lust.
I think this is a huge statement. Understand, accept, and admit--I differentiate accept and admit as internal (accept personally) and external (admit to others). Every time I relapse, when I really look at what's happened and how I've gotten where I was is that I've lost sight of steps one, two, and three. I can't do it, God can, I'm going to let him. There's a lot to understand, though, so it's not a one and done.
10/19/16
Trying to work [step one] without a sponsor was pointless and hopeless.
One of the cool things I heard this week was a concept in the white book about how important it is to combat triggers as soon as possible to when they happen. The longer I wait, the less effective my recovery tools become. This is probably one of several reasons why recovery reading and meetings can't replace a sponsor. When I do something stupid to start down the path, I'm not thinking clearly. I need someone with experience in that same clouded thinking to smack some clear weather into me.
For me, the acceptance from the group and the lack of condemnation and punishment, even when knowing my darkest secrets, was the closest thing I had experienced to unconditional love.
I love going to step meetings for lots of reasons. The spirit I feel, the connection with other people who understand me on a really deep level, and ideas on how to improve all make me feel uplifted when I leave. The time I shared my first step inventory with the group though was incredibly rewarding, even moreso than on a typical meeting.
10/20/16
One day...I became conscious that I was scanning both sides of a busy street for objects of my lust. This was an automatic gear that my brain shifted into when I was in certain public places. Shame would start to take over.
I really saw myself in this depiction, but I was a bit surprised that the shame part was true, too. I have this pull to lust when I'm in public places, but I also have shame hanging over me as well. I know that raking myself over shameful feelings isn't going to change me in any serious way. Acknowledging who I am and what I've become, demystifying what I'm doing and how it's going to affect me, then distracting myself with healthy thoughts or behavior is the better way forward.
10/21/16
My life in recovery is proof that I have serenity and sobriety as long as I go to meetings, work the Steps and Traditions in all parts of my life, call my sponsor regularly, follow his directions, and let God lead my life.
I've heard recently about men who feel like they've healed from their porn addiction, even though they aren't doing the recovery actions. I don't believe it for a second. Even if they manage long-term "sobriety," I feel like it's only going to be white-knuckling. On the other hand, I believe long-term recovery is possible for me...if I can follow the kinds of things following the "as long as I..." in the above quote. There's no recovery for me without work like I've never done before, both quality and quantity.
10/22/16
The purpose of a written Step One inventory was to come to know within ourselves that we were really sexaholics, that we were powerless over lust, and that our lives would remain unmanageable by us alone.
I think the "within ourselves" is really important--I don't think I ever would have really argued that the first few steps were wrong, but I don't think I really internalized just how powerless I was and how unmanageable my life had become until I completely wrote out every thing I had done in my addiction.
We do not dwell on whose fault it is.
As I think back on what I've done, I can only honestly assess my own part. Trying to rationalize and justify isn't going to help me uncover the character weaknesses and patterns of addiction that are deeply embedded in my being. My powerlessness, the times when it's my fault, that's all I care about learning from in the past. Basically. :)
I feel like working through this reading is my work to more completely understand ways in which my addiction manifests itself in my life, accepting myself for who I am and who I have the potential to be (not condemning myself for who I've been), and admitting what I need to do to reject addictive behaviors and embrace recovery ones. I'm still not there yet, so I'll take it a day (and week) at a time.
By accepting reality, by acknowledging our disease, by embracing our failure, we found hope. This was the start of surrender. We began to build a road to recovery.
There are so many paradoxes in the gospel--Jesus tells us that those who seek their life will lose it. How can that be possible? Even if I wasn't an addict, if I try to earn heaven I'm going to fail. But as an addict, I don't even have the luxury of pretending I can do it. If I'm being even remotely honest I KNOW I can't. And strangely, that's what it takes. Also, I like the idea of me being in the desert, trying to get to recovery, but I need to build roads and bridges over chasms to get there. It's tough work.
I am powerless over lust. It does not say I am powerless over my compulsive sexual behaviors.
I think this is an important distinction. I can't control how I react to lust...and how I react is an instinctual selfishness, pride, and countless other self-destructive tendencies. However, I DO have power over how I prepare for life difficulties. I can cut off my access, reach out when I start making bad decisions, and countless other recovery skills that I've learned over the last two and a half years.
10/18/16
One of the biggest stumbling blocks in our efforts to become and remain sexually sober is our inability to fully understand, accept, and admit our powerlessness over lust.
I think this is a huge statement. Understand, accept, and admit--I differentiate accept and admit as internal (accept personally) and external (admit to others). Every time I relapse, when I really look at what's happened and how I've gotten where I was is that I've lost sight of steps one, two, and three. I can't do it, God can, I'm going to let him. There's a lot to understand, though, so it's not a one and done.
10/19/16
Trying to work [step one] without a sponsor was pointless and hopeless.
One of the cool things I heard this week was a concept in the white book about how important it is to combat triggers as soon as possible to when they happen. The longer I wait, the less effective my recovery tools become. This is probably one of several reasons why recovery reading and meetings can't replace a sponsor. When I do something stupid to start down the path, I'm not thinking clearly. I need someone with experience in that same clouded thinking to smack some clear weather into me.
For me, the acceptance from the group and the lack of condemnation and punishment, even when knowing my darkest secrets, was the closest thing I had experienced to unconditional love.
I love going to step meetings for lots of reasons. The spirit I feel, the connection with other people who understand me on a really deep level, and ideas on how to improve all make me feel uplifted when I leave. The time I shared my first step inventory with the group though was incredibly rewarding, even moreso than on a typical meeting.
10/20/16
One day...I became conscious that I was scanning both sides of a busy street for objects of my lust. This was an automatic gear that my brain shifted into when I was in certain public places. Shame would start to take over.
I really saw myself in this depiction, but I was a bit surprised that the shame part was true, too. I have this pull to lust when I'm in public places, but I also have shame hanging over me as well. I know that raking myself over shameful feelings isn't going to change me in any serious way. Acknowledging who I am and what I've become, demystifying what I'm doing and how it's going to affect me, then distracting myself with healthy thoughts or behavior is the better way forward.
10/21/16
My life in recovery is proof that I have serenity and sobriety as long as I go to meetings, work the Steps and Traditions in all parts of my life, call my sponsor regularly, follow his directions, and let God lead my life.
I've heard recently about men who feel like they've healed from their porn addiction, even though they aren't doing the recovery actions. I don't believe it for a second. Even if they manage long-term "sobriety," I feel like it's only going to be white-knuckling. On the other hand, I believe long-term recovery is possible for me...if I can follow the kinds of things following the "as long as I..." in the above quote. There's no recovery for me without work like I've never done before, both quality and quantity.
10/22/16
The purpose of a written Step One inventory was to come to know within ourselves that we were really sexaholics, that we were powerless over lust, and that our lives would remain unmanageable by us alone.
I think the "within ourselves" is really important--I don't think I ever would have really argued that the first few steps were wrong, but I don't think I really internalized just how powerless I was and how unmanageable my life had become until I completely wrote out every thing I had done in my addiction.
We do not dwell on whose fault it is.
As I think back on what I've done, I can only honestly assess my own part. Trying to rationalize and justify isn't going to help me uncover the character weaknesses and patterns of addiction that are deeply embedded in my being. My powerlessness, the times when it's my fault, that's all I care about learning from in the past. Basically. :)
I feel like working through this reading is my work to more completely understand ways in which my addiction manifests itself in my life, accepting myself for who I am and who I have the potential to be (not condemning myself for who I've been), and admitting what I need to do to reject addictive behaviors and embrace recovery ones. I'm still not there yet, so I'll take it a day (and week) at a time.
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Finding Rudders: Another Response to "Step Into Action"
Well, here's two weeks in a row. Good for me.
Here are my thoughts about key ideas I read about in the SA workbook Step Into Action:
10/10/16
"Doing without a sponsor is like piloting a ship without a rudder. The sailor is at the mercy of whatever current comes along."
I still remember an amazing interview I had with my mission president. I had confessed about a year into my mission and he was working with me to stop. If I'm going to be brutally honest, I don't feel like he knew what to do and so he resorted to shaming--"you know better than this" type of things. Anyway, one phrase that really stuck with me was a variation on a scripture--it was describing my situation as being "blown about by every wind of passion." That's what it feels like, and having a sponsor really does feel like being provided with a rudder to steer through a storm.
"A sponsor doesn't do the work of our recovery for us and doesn't provide magic answers to our problems...Having a sponsee allows a sponsor to give service and practice detachment."
I like both sides of this, since I also have a sponsee. I can't expect my sponsor to fix my problems, and it's good for him not to. Also, I don't need to expect myself to fix anyone's problems, and it's good for me to let that go. And since I have such a controlling personality in some ways it's important to be able to practice letting things go.
10/11/16
"Fellowhip literature can be like meetings or phone calls with a cover."
I feel like there are several important behaviors in recovery, and reading recovery literature is one of them. I don't think I'd go so far as to say it's as good as a meeting or phone call...but that's why I like the "can be" wording. I also don't think it's just fellowship literature--there are lots of good books that help me feel understood and supported.
"A meeting based on readings from the White Book has at least one sober voice present"
I'm a bit ashamed how long it took me to figure out what this was saying (that the White Book is the voice of sobriety). I like the idea of literature being a voice of those who have walked this road of recovery before...why would I not take advantage of their experience? In fact, if I disregard their voice, it will stand as a testament against me when all is said and done.
10/12/16
"We begin to work the Steps the moment we admit that we're out of control around lust...As opposed to reading the Steps, believing the Steps, or memorizing the Steps, working the Steps means taking action. Going to meetings, calling our sponsor, and participating in the fellowship are not working the steps."
I think it's important to recognize what working the steps is and what it isn't. Especially in the ARP program, I feel like some people mistake coming to meeting as getting the full benefits of the program. I've certainly been guilty of that in the past, and even now I mentally pat myself on the back when I do important things for my recovery like call my sponsor or have consistent prayer/dailies behavior. Still, that's not working the program. And, the common slogan reversed is still true: "it doesn't work if you don't work it."
"It is both good and important that some work be done for recovery each day. Continuing to write means more progress on the Step. When finished say a prayer of thanks."
Here is where I'm tempted to pat myself on the back and mention my new (and unproven by consistency over a long time) daily healthy behavior. Maybe I'll do a blog post about being stuck and getting unstuck (the latter of which I'm currently trying to do)...but I'll just keep this to a comment about how much I like the idea of saying a "thank you" prayer afterwards. I need more thankfulness in my life.
10/13/16
"Easy Does It
First Things First...
Keep an Open Mind
Keep it Simple...
One Day at a Time
Progress, Not Perfection"
Of the fourteen slogans listed, these six really stood out to me. Here are some thoughts that I had: "Easy Does It" I shouldn't worry about everything I have to change all at once. Instead, I need to have a patient, self-forgiving attitude. I should proceed with caution.
"First Things First" If I'm not putting the things that are most important to my recovery first, whatever I choose in its place will fail, and I will suffer setbacks.
"Keep an Open Mind" Recovery isn't intuitive. The impressions I get about the principles being wrong are lies based on the fact that my brain is broken and satan knows how to leverage my selfishness.
"Keep it Simple" Rather than trying to solve my life/recovery problems with complex programs and goals, sometimes the simple and straightforward option is the best answer.
"One Day at a Time" Long-term frames of reference can be valuable, but not in recovery. The day to day reference is more helpful in my sustaining my recovery. My base impulse should be, "yes, but what about today?"
"Progress, Not Perfection" Similar to the last one, I need to let go of my desires to get there and embrace the day to day victories that I can have, even if they are uneven and partial.
10/14/16
We can turn to a journal whenever there are strong feelings or dangerous behaviors and write them out.
I love that phrase, "write them out." What that feels like to me is that I feel all gunked up and irritated and write feelings and ideas to me as they come. I try to analyze where the emotions are coming from, and the concrete nature of writing helps me distance myself from the situation enough to recognize what's from addict me and what's from recovery me. Or somewhere in between. This isn't a substitute for other recovery work, but it's sure been a helpful supplement for me.
10/15/16
Concerning the need to do service: "Because in so doing I am paying my debt to the man who took time to pass it on to me. 4. Because every time I do it I take out a little more insurance for myself against a possible slip."
The book talked about service mainly as it relates to working within the SA program, but I think it relates to any kind of service. Similarly, I don't think I have a debt to pay just from people who passed recovery ideas on to me, I feel like it goes much deeper than I even realize. Also, I love the idea of serving others as a kind of insurance. I don't feel like this is claiming that a shallow service can prop up my entire recovery, but that acting unselfishly can't help but put me a little further from acting out.
10/16/16
"We put a priority on sobriety lest we lose everything again. We are cautious about always trying to meet others' expectations...We organize our lives to be useful and accountable."
These lines about the 12 traditions resonate with the earlier things I wrote about the slogans. I really liked the idea of bewaring the desire to meet others' expectations--one of the blog posts I wrote but never posted (ironically in the long break since I last wrote consistently) was about how my commitment to recovery was about as strong as what I felt like my wife expected it to be. Rather than trying to set my self-boundaries in line with what I need to be actively in recovery, I tend to take a more "what do I need to do to scrape by?" attitude. I know this isn't what they meant by meeting others' expectations, but it's been a recent breakthrough for me.
As I reread what I wrote during the week (and tried to think of a title), I realize that the first quote could be applied to the rest of what I wrote. Sponsors provide a rudder to guide me in a storm, but recovery materials, journaling, and even this blog post also help me recognize my powerlessness in the storms of my life and how to qualify for God's help.
Here are my thoughts about key ideas I read about in the SA workbook Step Into Action:
10/10/16
"Doing without a sponsor is like piloting a ship without a rudder. The sailor is at the mercy of whatever current comes along."
I still remember an amazing interview I had with my mission president. I had confessed about a year into my mission and he was working with me to stop. If I'm going to be brutally honest, I don't feel like he knew what to do and so he resorted to shaming--"you know better than this" type of things. Anyway, one phrase that really stuck with me was a variation on a scripture--it was describing my situation as being "blown about by every wind of passion." That's what it feels like, and having a sponsor really does feel like being provided with a rudder to steer through a storm.
"A sponsor doesn't do the work of our recovery for us and doesn't provide magic answers to our problems...Having a sponsee allows a sponsor to give service and practice detachment."
I like both sides of this, since I also have a sponsee. I can't expect my sponsor to fix my problems, and it's good for him not to. Also, I don't need to expect myself to fix anyone's problems, and it's good for me to let that go. And since I have such a controlling personality in some ways it's important to be able to practice letting things go.
10/11/16
"Fellowhip literature can be like meetings or phone calls with a cover."
I feel like there are several important behaviors in recovery, and reading recovery literature is one of them. I don't think I'd go so far as to say it's as good as a meeting or phone call...but that's why I like the "can be" wording. I also don't think it's just fellowship literature--there are lots of good books that help me feel understood and supported.
"A meeting based on readings from the White Book has at least one sober voice present"
I'm a bit ashamed how long it took me to figure out what this was saying (that the White Book is the voice of sobriety). I like the idea of literature being a voice of those who have walked this road of recovery before...why would I not take advantage of their experience? In fact, if I disregard their voice, it will stand as a testament against me when all is said and done.
10/12/16
"We begin to work the Steps the moment we admit that we're out of control around lust...As opposed to reading the Steps, believing the Steps, or memorizing the Steps, working the Steps means taking action. Going to meetings, calling our sponsor, and participating in the fellowship are not working the steps."
I think it's important to recognize what working the steps is and what it isn't. Especially in the ARP program, I feel like some people mistake coming to meeting as getting the full benefits of the program. I've certainly been guilty of that in the past, and even now I mentally pat myself on the back when I do important things for my recovery like call my sponsor or have consistent prayer/dailies behavior. Still, that's not working the program. And, the common slogan reversed is still true: "it doesn't work if you don't work it."
"It is both good and important that some work be done for recovery each day. Continuing to write means more progress on the Step. When finished say a prayer of thanks."
Here is where I'm tempted to pat myself on the back and mention my new (and unproven by consistency over a long time) daily healthy behavior. Maybe I'll do a blog post about being stuck and getting unstuck (the latter of which I'm currently trying to do)...but I'll just keep this to a comment about how much I like the idea of saying a "thank you" prayer afterwards. I need more thankfulness in my life.
10/13/16
"Easy Does It
First Things First...
Keep an Open Mind
Keep it Simple...
One Day at a Time
Progress, Not Perfection"
Of the fourteen slogans listed, these six really stood out to me. Here are some thoughts that I had: "Easy Does It" I shouldn't worry about everything I have to change all at once. Instead, I need to have a patient, self-forgiving attitude. I should proceed with caution.
"First Things First" If I'm not putting the things that are most important to my recovery first, whatever I choose in its place will fail, and I will suffer setbacks.
"Keep an Open Mind" Recovery isn't intuitive. The impressions I get about the principles being wrong are lies based on the fact that my brain is broken and satan knows how to leverage my selfishness.
"Keep it Simple" Rather than trying to solve my life/recovery problems with complex programs and goals, sometimes the simple and straightforward option is the best answer.
"One Day at a Time" Long-term frames of reference can be valuable, but not in recovery. The day to day reference is more helpful in my sustaining my recovery. My base impulse should be, "yes, but what about today?"
"Progress, Not Perfection" Similar to the last one, I need to let go of my desires to get there and embrace the day to day victories that I can have, even if they are uneven and partial.
10/14/16
We can turn to a journal whenever there are strong feelings or dangerous behaviors and write them out.
I love that phrase, "write them out." What that feels like to me is that I feel all gunked up and irritated and write feelings and ideas to me as they come. I try to analyze where the emotions are coming from, and the concrete nature of writing helps me distance myself from the situation enough to recognize what's from addict me and what's from recovery me. Or somewhere in between. This isn't a substitute for other recovery work, but it's sure been a helpful supplement for me.
10/15/16
Concerning the need to do service: "Because in so doing I am paying my debt to the man who took time to pass it on to me. 4. Because every time I do it I take out a little more insurance for myself against a possible slip."
The book talked about service mainly as it relates to working within the SA program, but I think it relates to any kind of service. Similarly, I don't think I have a debt to pay just from people who passed recovery ideas on to me, I feel like it goes much deeper than I even realize. Also, I love the idea of serving others as a kind of insurance. I don't feel like this is claiming that a shallow service can prop up my entire recovery, but that acting unselfishly can't help but put me a little further from acting out.
10/16/16
"We put a priority on sobriety lest we lose everything again. We are cautious about always trying to meet others' expectations...We organize our lives to be useful and accountable."
These lines about the 12 traditions resonate with the earlier things I wrote about the slogans. I really liked the idea of bewaring the desire to meet others' expectations--one of the blog posts I wrote but never posted (ironically in the long break since I last wrote consistently) was about how my commitment to recovery was about as strong as what I felt like my wife expected it to be. Rather than trying to set my self-boundaries in line with what I need to be actively in recovery, I tend to take a more "what do I need to do to scrape by?" attitude. I know this isn't what they meant by meeting others' expectations, but it's been a recent breakthrough for me.
As I reread what I wrote during the week (and tried to think of a title), I realize that the first quote could be applied to the rest of what I wrote. Sponsors provide a rudder to guide me in a storm, but recovery materials, journaling, and even this blog post also help me recognize my powerlessness in the storms of my life and how to qualify for God's help.
Sunday, October 9, 2016
"Seven Days Without a Meeting Makes One Weak"
I feel like I've done a fair amount of meta-commentary about myself in the past, so I want to keep it short before getting into what I want to write about. Over the last year I've learned some really important skills/principles, enough that I was able to maintain nine months of sobriety. I recently lapsed, proving that I have a ways to go and even doing baseline recovery work, stresses can overwhelm me. I want to work through the first three steps in a more in-depth way than I have in the past, so I'm going to post here about my take-aways from working in the Step Into Action book one, (an SA workbook). We'll see how it goes.
10/7/16
"Why are you here? If the answer is, "I can't go on like this and I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop," then read on."
I love this quote. Both that it's important to recognize why I'm choosing recovery, and that I have to get to the point where I'm willing to sacrifice ANYTHING to stop. For me the "anything" is video games, nightly movies/Dr. Who, sex with my wife, milkshakes, avoiding work, avoiding people, etc.
"Wishy-washy starts in the SA program just don't cut it. "If you're not sure, go out and try some more pain."
I would extend this to any attempt at recovery, not just SA. Also, the underlying idea here is that there is only one way to get better, and I don't have to be uptight if someone doesn't choose it because if they want to be happy they'll get there eventually. Or, more appropriately, if I feel like I can dance the line between recovery and getting a lust buzz, all I'm going to get is more pain until I choose sacrifice and work.
10/8/16
"We often feel very unsure or shy at our first meetings, in addition to being angry that we need to be there."
I might have chosen the words "self-conscious" and "shame" in place of "unsure" and "shy." Also, I feel like the anger is directed at myself and at reality. At reality because I wish it would conform to what I want to be the conditions for happiness, and at myself because I realize that I'm the one who can't accept reality and what it takes to feel at peace with life.
"It turns out that the desire to skip a meeting is our addiction at work."
Our addiction is constantly working on us. I'm ok with the vagueness of that phrase because I'm not sure if it's Satan, our rewired brains, or a combination of both. I'm leaning towards the combination.
10/9/16
"Seven days without a meeting makes one weak."
BOOM! I love play on words. I also feel like it's true that at about one week without a meeting I start not being as comfortable dealing with my problems. The perspective, fellowship, and spirit of meetings really are essential for me.
Meetings heal us; Higher power present at meetings.
This is my biggest problem with the SA program. I feel like in their desire to be inclusive of people who don't really believe in God, they've lost a lot of the doctrinal accuracy and power. So, just to be clear, meetings don't heal anyone. Meetings allow us to feel the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, which whispers to our souls what we have to do (or not do) to qualify for the cleansing/healing power of Jesus' atonement. He is the only one who can heal us. Just sayin'.
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