So I shared my addiction inventory with my wife and my bishop last week. Both were positive experiences...which isn't too hard when I was expecting that meeting with my wife to cause her to be paralyzed for the next three days. Luckily, she took it much better than that...I probably should have suspected since she already knew almost all of it, but it's still a relief. Additionally, my wife and I had a constructive meeting with our counsellor. Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I've gotten a lot of feedback and interesting ideas recently, and I want to share in kind of a hodgepodge way. So here are three insights about myself, two analogies, and one visual representation:
Insight #1: I Actually Did Crave Attention as a Kid
One of the things I prided myself on growing up was how independent I was. My mom would always praise me that I was so little trouble: "I could leave him in his room playing legos, and forget he was there for hours at a time." I believed that was just a part of who I was. Looking back now, though, I realize that I had older siblings who were tough acts to follow. I would hear my parents complain about the trouble and difficulty they were getting from my siblings, and each complaint and praise of me made me want to not let them down or give them reason to complain about me. So I isolated myself rather than admit I had problems. But deep down, I had insecurities and struggles that I needed to deal with, despite outward appearances which I actually believed.
Insight #2: I Do Have Emotions Somewhere
The last few weeks have been helpful for me to feel honest, legitimate love for my wife. I've been emotionally numb for a long time, to the point where I have trouble recognizing what it actually means to love (and thanks to Tim for his recent post on the topic). My mom would always say "I love you" when she would drop me off for school, and I would often just mumble "...you too..." or even worse, "thanks." The last few weeks I've made some realizations about my relationship with my wife. The first came after we reviewed our journals and the accounts of when we dated. I remember how I wanted to spend every waking hour with her, whether we had something planned or not. I didn't recognize that clearly at the time, but as we've spent more time together talking the last week, I can honestly say "I love you" to my wife at night. It's not that I didn't before, but I'm coming to recognize it more clearly now. I actually have emotions in here!
Insight #3: I Can Trust Real Recovery
Apparently, I'm impatient. And even knowing that about myself doesn't change my impatience! My wife and I have been working at communicating and physical connection for the last few weeks, and we're making fantastic progress. I've been working on recovery, and can honestly say that I feel like I'm in recovery and not just white-knuckling. But sometimes I get worried and anxious about some things my wife does. Does a silence mean she's angry at me, or that she doesn't love me? Does her lack of expression of appreciation mean I'm not actually making the kind of progress I feel like I am? As I write these, I feel dramatic. I need to trust in the real recovery I'm accomplishing and not worry so much about how my wife reacts. She's a good person and will reciprocate when she feels safe. My job is to create an atmosphere of safety and honesty for her and not worry where it goes from there.
Analogy #1: Sexual Feelings as a Locked Door (but Who is Turning the Key?)
Our counselor expressed this analogy a few weeks ago, and it's been really helpful as I try to improve my resistance to lusting during the day. The basic idea is that sexual feelings are locked away inside each of us, and the only person authorized to open that lock is our spouse. Whenever we lust after someone, we're taking the key into our own hands (or breaking the lock, as my wife imagines it) and unlocking those feelings. It changed the way I look at it to realize that a lust hit isn't just a lust hit--it's me breaking into feelings that my wife is the only one who has the right to access.
Analogy #2: Funnel Perspective
My bishop has an analogy that really helps me realize the relationship of perspective and addiction. The basic idea is that addiction and addiction recovery is like a funnel--when we're actively acting out, we're at the bottom of the funnel, unable to see anything except the sides of the tunnel around us. At this point our perspective is so limited that we can't see that our actions are hurting those we love and causing pain. On the other hand, when we have some recovery in us we're at the upper slopes of the funnel, able to look around and see the big picture. The funnel is always headed towards the center, so we need to be sensitive enough in our recovery to see when we're slipping towards to steeper slopes and catch ourselves before we've slipped in.
And One Drawing:
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