David wasn't doing what he was supposed to be doing when he was tempted by Bath-Sheba. "And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth to battle" (2 Samuel 11:1). He was slacking in his duties, and letting his people down. As a result, he didn't have the protection of the spirit. Wow. This describes exactly what I'm going through right now. My biggest struggle right now is getting work for my job done...I'll go on campus to get work done, and it's like I've hit a wall; I just can't force myself to get grading done. Maybe it's fear of not being helpful, or being judged, or making the wrong decision and affecting someone's grade, I don't know. But in any case, after I struggle (if I don't reach out to others like it says in my boundaries) I'm often left vulnerable, more open to wandering eyes and unproductive activities. Luckily not murder yet, though, so I have that going for me.
After David impregnates Bath-Sheba (which means "Daughter of the Covenant," by the way), he seeks desperately to cover his sins. He tries to manipulate Uriah (which means "Jehovah is my Light") into sleeping with his wife so it will look like Uriah impregnated her. I may not be actively manipulating people to cover up my sins--though I've done that plenty in the past--I sense there's still constant struggle against that tendency. A few days ago in recovery group we read this in the SA white book:
Whenever I felt some experience, image, memory, or thought was controlling me, as was often the case, I would bring it to the light, talking it out with another program person. Get the air and sunlight on it. Lust hates the light and flees from it; it loves the dark secret recesses of my being. And once I let it lodge there, it's like a fungus and starts flourishing--the athlete's foot of the soul. (161)
David should have been taking his problem to the light--to Uriah, and to the Lord. Instead he lets it fester. I can't allow to be anything less than valiantly honest about any time I recognize my soul fungus making a resurgence.
After David kills Uriah, is chastised by Nathan, and his son (born of Bath-Sheba) becomes ill, he seems to genuinely be sorrowful: "and David fasted, and went in, and lay all night upon the earth" (2 Samuel 12:16). In the margins I have written "he seems to care so much...why didn't he about Uriah?" Which isn't a very charitable thought...especially since (hypocrite alert) I wasn't completely clean from my own addiction when I wrote it. AND the Bible Dictionary is much more forgiving about his attitude:
Like Saul he was guilty of grave crimes; but unlike Saul, he was capable of true contrition and was therefore able to find forgiveness, except in the murder of Uriah. As a consequence David is still unforgiven, but he received a promise that the Lord would not leave his soul in hell. He will be resurrected at the end of the Millennium. Because of his transgression, he has fallen from his exaltation (D&C 132:39) ...he paid, and is paying, a heavy price for his disobedience to the commandments of God. (654)
David went on to lead Israel in "the nation's golden age." He accomplished some great things, including fathering--through Bath-Sheba--Solomon, without whom we wouldn't have
Wash me thoroughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me. Against thee, thee only, have I sinned...Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow...Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from they presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
My sin feels constantly before me, but I know I can be whiter than snow if I bring my dark tendencies into the light through honest accountability. Like David I can repent and become purified, but I acknowledge that there is a heavy price for my disobedience.
Wow. Great insight. Bringing dark things into the light is always important to recovery!
ReplyDelete^^ Ditto. I often talk about the thoughts/images, etc that come into my mind, but very vaguely. So vague that I'm still the only one who knows about what they really are. By "brining them to the light" how specific do you mean? Like, "Hey, some images/scenes I've viewed are fighting for attention in my head." or telling exactly what those images are? Either way, I love the isights.
ReplyDeleteI've been struggling with this exact question--how specific do I need to be to "bring my temptations/inclinations into the light"? Is the more specific I am mean the more light there is? Some advice I just read in the "Step Into Action" SA book (which I'm liking quite a bit) about how to share appropriately in meetings might be applicable here. They recommend focusing on yourself...rather than WHAT you saw, it might be more helpful to focus on its affect on you. So the specific wording might be like "I feel myself starting to obsess about the triggering image I saw. I feel guilty about putting myself in the compromising position where I knew I COULD come across such images. Some things that are adding to this struggle is that I'm feeling frustrated about a bad interview I had and overwhelmed by my work hours."
ReplyDeleteAlternatively, up till a week ago I was doing nightly check-ins where I've been as specific as I could be: "I saw X at Y time and location. I felt Z." Sharing these specifics in a checklist no commentary format was demanding and humbling.