I've tried counseling through LDS Family Services twice--once after I first confessed to my wife four years ago, and the second time starting almost a month ago. The first time lasted about a month and a half, and didn't really end with me having a burning desire to start up again any time soon. Hence the over-three-and-a-half-year hiatus. Now I'm much more enthusiastic about it and think I'm getting much more out of it. Still, I wish I would have known what I know now about counseling when I first started (plus I want to do some thinking about the difference between the two times), so that's usually enough reason to do a blog post about it. Here are some things I would tell myself:
"Work to find the right counselor."
The first thing I wish I knew was that not all counselors are created equal. Or rather, not all counselors are right for me--the training, the personality, and the situation all need to be right. My thinking for the first go around was I'm messed up and I need counseling--it doesn't matter who they assign me. This time I approached it having heard about a specific counselor from four or five separate sources, all telling me he was fantastic at working with recovering sex addicts and their wives. When I set up the appointment and they told me he wasn't available, this time I thought I don't care if it takes two months for his schedule to open up--counseling is only as good as the counselor.
My first version of this advice was "wait until you find the right counselor," but I don't think that's quite right--rather than just waiting, I wish I had talked with recovering addicts, searched websites, made phone calls until I found out more. Not only did I miss the opportunity to get a better counselor, but I also missed the opportunity to connect with recovered addicts in the process. There are enough problems with recovery--worrying about whether or not your counselor knows what he/she is talking about shouldn't be one of them.
"Prepare before starting counseling."
Similarly, the original version of this advice was simply "wait until the time is right," but that provides justification for NEVER doing counseling. Something my counselor asked me this time made me confident I was doing it better this time (and that he's the right guy): he asked what I expected to get out of counseling with him. I don't think I could have answered that the first time--The first time I did counseling I think I was pretty much just hoping to be cured. Somehow. A plumber fixes broken pipes, right? So isn't a counselor just a fixer of broken people? Ah...no. When my current counselor asked me that question I was able to be pretty specific about my recent relapses and my desire to understand addiction, myself, and recovery better. I had studied enough to know what I didn't know.
This piece of advice isn't just because I was strapped for cash. I feel like counseling isn't most helpful as a means of motivation when first starting recovery...it's more helpful as a second-opinion, course-correction type of thing. If I could do it again, I would tell myself, "throw yourself into the twelve step programs and reading recovery material (especially the Sexaholics Anonymous white book and other material), then do counseling when things aren't working out and you can't figure out why." I'm afraid simply going to the counselor is a comfortable way to not really work on recovery but to tell yourself you are. Unfortunately that's how it worked for me, and it allowed me to set myself back 3 years in my recovery.
"Don't think of counseling as a silver bullet."
Counseling shouldn't be the only tool--or even the main tool--in your recovery utility belt. Your goal through counseling isn't to become recovered...your goal is to become your own counselor. That includes being able to diagnose weaknesses, connect with recovery resources, and know the right questions to ask. Not only is your counselor not going to be able to be a long-term solution (do you really want to pay $75-100 per week for the rest of your life?), but your counselor isn't going to be helpful more than once a week. He/she relies on YOU to follow through the rest of the time.When you need help during the week, the counselor isn't going to be there in the same way a diverse support network is going to be.
This piece of advice isn't just because I was strapped for cash. I feel like counseling isn't most helpful as a means of motivation when first starting recovery...it's more helpful as a second-opinion, course-correction type of thing. If I could do it again, I would tell myself, "throw yourself into the twelve step programs and reading recovery material (especially the Sexaholics Anonymous white book and other material), then do counseling when things aren't working out and you can't figure out why." I'm afraid simply going to the counselor is a comfortable way to not really work on recovery but to tell yourself you are. Unfortunately that's how it worked for me, and it allowed me to set myself back 3 years in my recovery.
"Don't think of counseling as a silver bullet."
Counseling shouldn't be the only tool--or even the main tool--in your recovery utility belt. Your goal through counseling isn't to become recovered...your goal is to become your own counselor. That includes being able to diagnose weaknesses, connect with recovery resources, and know the right questions to ask. Not only is your counselor not going to be able to be a long-term solution (do you really want to pay $75-100 per week for the rest of your life?), but your counselor isn't going to be helpful more than once a week. He/she relies on YOU to follow through the rest of the time.When you need help during the week, the counselor isn't going to be there in the same way a diverse support network is going to be.
That said, if it's worth going to a counselor, it's worth following his/her advice...even if it doesn't make sense to you. I remember when I went to my first counselor, he told me about ARP group meetings. He told me something like "it helps some people to go; you should consider it if you want to." I wish he would have put it in stronger terms (like, "I strongly encourage you to go--there are those who believe recovery isn't possible without participating in a 12-step support group.") Still, if I had been more obedient and willing to work all available resources, I'd probably be years ahead in my recovery. I treated counseling as the only thing I needed to do...so much so that I didn't bother even doing it.
All this I believe in theory, but I still have some trouble making the most out of my visits with my counselor. Now that I know so much more about addiction and recovery I have a bit of a hard time following through...mainly because I'm already kind of doing the things he asks. He gave me a calendar with things to do every day, and I've struggled keeping up with marking it. However, I've been pretty good at doing the things it mentions that I hadn't been doing before (like my goal to grade something every day, which has been a struggle for me in the past). This week he assigned me to rewrite my personal inventory, which I'm struggling with a bit. I've already rewritten it a few times already, and (I'm sure a lot of you know) it's a tough document to motivate oneself to work on anyway.
I look forward to finding and becoming more efficient in my use of recovery tools. I wish I had known years ago what I know now, but I hope that means that years from now I'll look back with gratitude that I kept working on my approach to recovery.
