If You're Happy and You Know It...

Today I was using the song "If You're Happy and You Know It" to manipulate my kids (any other parents do this kind of thing?). My alternate lyrics went a little something like "if you're happy and you know it, eat your food!" or "if you're happy and you know it, be real quiet!" To counteract this, my kids made up lyrics of their own: "if you're really really happy, eat ketchup all day!" or (the two year old) "if or happy, clap ors hand!"

Earlier today in Fast and Testimony Meeting, our bishop shared his testimony. In his remarks, he said very bluntly that he's happy. He gave the caveat that his life isn't perfect and he still struggles with day-to-day challenges, but he's still in a place in his life where he's genuinely happy, regardless of his difficulties.

As my song manipulation was backfiring and as I was thinking about what the bishop said, I got to wondering about what attribute or habit really makes us happy. (Hint...it's not eating ketchup all day, although I haven't put that one to the test). I know the song is saying "if you're happy, show it in this way," but what happens if you're not feeling happy, but you still clap your hands? To me it kind of comes across as "if you clap your hands, that means you're happy"...in a "fake it till you make it" kind of way. Anyways, I got to thinking about what one thing you would have to do to be happy and know it.

The answer I came up with is that happy people have better memories than non-happy people. There's courage, faith, and knowledge thrown in there, too, sure. But people who can remember the outcome of negative choices (like eating seven donuts by themselves, skipping a church meeting for inconsequential reasons, giving into temptation and binging on porn, etc.)--AND let that memory change their actions for the positive--are going to be much happier. That seems really easy when I put it like that, but I'm amazed at how hard it is in practice.

Because it is so easy to listen to the voices that yell at you. Your body yells at you that it will die if it doesn't get satisfied, culture yells that the behavior is perfectly ok and you're a terrible person for even questioning it, or Satan yells that you aren't worth being happy anyways.

And it gets hard to recognize causal links between problem behavior and negative outcomes. There's a cloud of darkness making it look like my problems in life come from my wife's inability to recognize my greatness, or my boss's inability to recognize my genius, or my children's inability to tap into my wisdom. It's hard to admit that my marriage would be stronger if I were a better husband, or that my job would be more enjoyable if I were a better employee, or that my kids would be more obedient if I were a better parent.

It's also hard because we often connect what we feel with what we do. In the SA white book it says, "Program people taught me that right thinking never produced right actions, but if I took the right actions, the right thinking and feelings followed." If we're in a habit of relying on our feelings to dictate what we should do, we're going to get in trouble. Instead, if we DO what we know is right, even without feeling it, the feelings will come later. It's easy to be good when you feel like being good. We need to recognize that we're not always going to feel like being good, though. In my current stretch of sobriety there have been times when I've needed to say "I really don't want to call this person and tell them my current instance of broken thinking, but I know if I don't I'm not going to escape this rut." The phone call often stands as a token action that precedes my right thinking.

I can't make my life happy just by clapping my hands. But I can by remembering the outcomes of my poor decisions and controlling my actions (even if I can't control my feelings) to do better the next time. Even then, it's not me that makes my life happy--it's through my acceptance of the Atonement and adherence to eternal laws that can, if I let it.