Being unpleasantly ill has been a blessing. Well, more of a blessing than I would have thought, at least. It's taught me about myself, including, as always, a few tie-ins with addiction (itself a moral/mental illness) that I'd like to share.
One of the main thoughts I've kept having is just how separate the spirit and the body are. I've been fulfilling my various responsibilities while feeling like gutter sludge; part of me has wondered "why aren't people treating me differently? I feel terrible!" We were discussing ideas, and I was giving feedback just like normal. Besides the slight muddling of my thoughts due to the illness, it was an awesome experience. That's not what my body was telling me, though. I caught a glimpse of just how dramatic my body is sometimes. It yells at me, "I'm dying!" or "I won't last another minute!" or "You better cancel your appointments, cause I'm literally about to die." But like a lot of people, my body doesn't know how to use the word "literally" correctly. I've heard these same exclamations in relation to lust addiction. "I'm in pain! I will always be in this exact amount of pain for forever unless you heal me by looking at that immodest girl!" But my spirit is separate and in charge. I don't have to listen.
After not listening to that drama, I've seen how focusing on other people lessens my own pain. Would I have gotten better sooner if I had cancelled my responsibilities? Possibly. But as I've sacrificed the rest and comfort I could have had to do what I need to do, I've felt refreshed. There have been a number of experiences that I wouldn't exchange for a tall, icy glass of apple juice or a comfortable bed with no kids around. I was tempted to focus on myself and my needs, but it turns out that me and my needs aren't as important as I thought they were. When I find my world revolving around me and my lust temptations, I need to tell myself, "do the smart thing, then get over yourself and go focus on someone else's needs."
For example, yesterday afternoon (after eight-ish hours at work) when I got home I took some pills, talked with my family, then went to bed for a nap. Luckily, my wife had had a great day and was perfectly willing to let me take an extended nap. I slept restlessly for a bit. I'm not sure why, but as I was lying in bed I had a change of heart. Maybe it was the ideas I'm writing here, maybe it was a gift from God, or maybe it was something else, but I got up and started helping around the house. Cleaning, laundry, reading books to the kids, etc. My wife was confused at first, asking me what I was doing up from my nap. I wasn't really feeling better, but it felt great to have a perfectly reasonable excuse to be selfish, but being helpful and good anyways. (And eventually I did feel better physically.)
I'm an addict. I have an illness in my mind. I've come to accept this as a fact; however, I have the power to choose how it affects me. I can listen to my dramatic body and use my addiction as an excuse to keep acting out...OR I can disbelieve what my body's telling me, get outside myself to help others, and do what's right.
The big difference between physical and moral illness is that while my body will get well on it's own, the only way my spirit is going to heal is by not listening to the demands of the body. Put another way, I can choose to be an agent and take my action into my own hands. Or I can choose to be acted upon by my self-inflicted illness. And "acting out" may sound like it's an active thing, but I know that it's actually "being acted upon."
Ever since Elder Bednar mentioned that in a talk, I've loved the concept of acting and not being acted upon. :)
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