Under Construction

My wife shared an analogy with me a week ago, and since she doesn't have a blog of her own, I'm totally going to steal it and make it into a post. I keep encouraging her to start her own recovery blog, but maybe I shouldn't so I get to steal all her great ideas. The following analogy (parable? allegory?) explains where we're at in our recovery:

A newlywed couple desperately wanted to own a house of their own; however, money was tight and they were inexperienced, so they only rented apartments. The places they lived were occasionally gross, but eventually things worked out and they decided to build their own house.

They were so excited! It was going to be bigger, more logically laid out, and higher quality than anything they had experienced before. And it would be theirs! After several months, they got the foundation laid, and they could really tell how awesome it was going to be. They were so excited about the progress that sometimes they forgot that it didn't have a roof yet. They wanted to move into it, but realized it wouldn't provide the reliable protection they needed.

They spent as much time as possible working on it, but it frustrated them that it went agonizingly slow. More than that, Their current rental house seemed even more gross and disappointing now that they could see what a real house was going to be like. They just had to be patient, though, and keep working on it until it was closer to being done. Eventually, it would provide enough protection that they could move in, even if they still needed to put the finishing touches on it.

Interpretation

Our marriage hasn't been what we originally wanted. My secret addictive behavior has hollowed out what our real marriage was supposed to be. We were stuck in this phase for a long time because it takes a lot of work and self control to have a real, honest marriage. Eventually, we even both became to believe what we were experiencing was normal and as good as it would get.

Now that I've fully confessed, am actively working recovery, attending meetings, etc., we're starting to get glimpses of what our marriage can be. And we're really excited! Still, even with the hope and growing successes, we're pretty early in the process. Occasionally we get frustrated because we still have the same issues come up--we get in fights, our house is still a mess, our parenting isn't where we want it to be, we still occasionally eat unhealthily, and exercise is sporadic. My wife wants to trust me fully, but is afraid that our marriage isn't safe enough yet. We're both going to have to work on it...my wife on finding how she can trust me, and me working on being worthy of trust.

Our new marriage is under construction, and the estimated date of completion depends partly on how much work and effort we put into it. I'd prefer sooner rather than later, but that doesn't change the fact that construction is hard, long work.


P.S. Part of my recovery is avoiding triggers, which for me often are screen-based entertainment. And part of avoiding screen time is finding other outlets/hobbies to occupy my time. One of those is artwork...so even though my comics (I'm thinking of the "Haunted by Milkshakes" one) don't really have much to do with anything, they are helping me change my unhealthy behaviors. So if you think they are too random or weird, skip them and know they're helping in my recovery.