Monday, December 21, 2015

Why All My New Year's Resolutions Failed



...And I could add a few more things than just new year's resolutions to the list: my daily to do lists, my weekly check lists, and goals in general. It seemed like I would start out with such fire--such a powerful righteous desire to be better. Then after a few months, weeks, or even days, I would find myself falling short, losing steam, giving up. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep that desire to be good? Weren't my goals worthy? Certainly God wanted me to overcome my addiction, or read scriptures, or exercise, or any number of other healthy things I was trying to do. Why wouldn't He help me?

I use the past tense, but I recognize I've still got a ways to go. Still, I feel like I've made two significant realizations that I'd like to share. 

The first realization is about my reasons for making the goals in the first place. I believe that trying to use “should haves ” and the guilt of unchecked boxes to force myself to be better is deeply misguided. I recognize it’s hard to separate my sense of self-worth from what I accomplish—I feel like if I can do X, Y, and Z then I’ll earn others’ respect, or God’s love, or at least escape the harsh, judgmental opinions I imagine others have of me. Instead, I’m convinced I have inherent worth and I need to change because I accept myself and want to be healthy; but to do that I need help—I need to view my goals as a sign of my desire for goodness and healthiness and an opportunity for God to help me identify what I need to surrender so He can change my nature.

Also, I wanted to be good, but I wanted to be good on my own terms. It's like taking my car to a fixit shop, asking them to change my windshield wipers because I'm having a hard time driving. They point out that all the wheels are completely flat, shredded, sending sparks everywhere. I tell them, "no, thanks. I just want to see clearly. Then I'll be able to drive without problems." God is a patient fixit man. He knows what I need, and He points me in the right direction, but He loves me enough to let me realize truth when I'm ready for it, even if it means I make things worse until I come to my senses. He knows that when I recognize that the tires are the real source of my problem, I'm going to be in a better position to turn to Him since He hasn't coerced me. 

The second realization is about what success is. My logic used to be, "I know that I am capable of doing X; therefore, that's my goal. Anything short of that is failure." For example I have a conviction that scripture reading is good, and that I am capable of reading for half an hour every day. Therefore, that was my goal, and I was a failure if I didn't do it. 

Now, however, my baseline for success has shifted. Now, I keep my eye on what I suspect my potential is, but I also recognize where I'm at right now. I ask myself, "without this goal, what would I have done?" Then, if I do more than that, I consider it a success. For example, say I have a goal to drink more water, but I forget all day except for a brief sip while passing a drinking fountain. Rather than viewing this as failing all day long except once, I choose to view it as taking one more sip of water than I otherwise would have, which I think is a success. Likewise, the single verse I read or the two sentences I write in my journal are things I wouldn’t have done otherwise, so they count towards healthiness, which is the whole goal. Looking at Jesus' injunction to "be ye perfect" or be "even as I am," yet to ignore that He "grew in grace," "line upon line" is to completely miss who He is and what His expectations for us are. 


A brief update, just cuz. About six months ago I gave my bishop my SA coins for 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 months of sobriety, which I told him I was working to re-collect from him. For a number of months I wasn't gaining much traction, but I've recently made some sacrifices (giving up unhealthy entertainment) and started doing healthy things (going to a counsellor, filling out daily accountability cards, calling a support guy everyish night). I am at three and a half months of not just sobriety, but actual recovery. Even my seven months of sobriety didn't feel like this. It's funny that things are going as well, maybe, as they've ever gone with my recovery, yet my experience in church, my diet, and my school habits aren't consistently positive. Still, that's a post for another time. 

The End