Not Keeping Souvenirs

When we're in addict mode, there's nothing that's sacred. Anything that promises to fulfill our sexual cravings seems like a good idea. This leads to behavior that is completely insane (which I talk about in this post). For example, in my early teens when I was first exploring pornography and my body, I felt a bit stuck. I didn't have access to actual dirty pictures, and I wasn't about to reach out to get some through someone else (I was very isolated in my addiction). Instead, I would scour seemingly innocuous magazines for an ad with an even slightly immodest woman. I would dig through back issues of National Geographic for images of African tribes whose women don't wear shirts. One day I was feeling the urge for sexual stimulation. I ended up putting smooth rocks from a rock collection down my pants. If this sounds slightly painful and like it was a terrible idea, it was...even my twisted teenage addict brain would agree (I never tried it again). When I told this story to my sponsor we both laughed about it. How desperate I was! How pathetic and willing to do anything! Even rocks and National Geographic were fair game.

In recovery, we need to take the same approach--nothing can be off the table. We need to be desperate for recovery. For the longest time, I wanted my life back, minus the addiction. But the more I learn about recovery, the more I believe that I can't have that same life back. No casual approach will work for me--I can't pick and choose which parts of my unworthiness I keep. No "Heavenly Father, please show thy mercy and take my pornography addiction from me...but you can just leave the neglectful-parenting-because-of-entertainment where it is. Also, if you could just put that sugar addiction down in the corner, I'd appreciate it." In other words:

"If we insist on keeping Hell (or even Earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest and most intimate souvenirs of Hell." C.S. Lewis (from The Great Divorce)

What "souvenirs of Hell" do we hold onto? Are there even souvenirs of Earth that we desperately cling to, unwilling to accept they aren't going to have a place in heaven? I don't want to point out specific behaviors that I think are problematic because I think heaven and hell might be similar, just with radically different people/attitudes. In other words, it's possible that both heaven and hell has a skateboard park--in heaven, it is a bright place of social gathering with laughter, challenge, and wonder. In hell, it is a dark place of anger, obscenities, and violence. Similarly, for me, collecting stamps might be productive, fun hobby to pick up. For someone else, collecting stamps might be an obsessive, unhealthy outlet.

Rather than try to pinpoint which activities are worthy or unworthy, let me share the introductory lines from the SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) Step into Action book one:

"Why are you here? If the answer is, 'I can't go on like this and I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop,' then read on." 
Then, a few lines down, in a quote from a member:
"The old-timers told me to make sure I really was ready--wishy-washy starts in the SA program just don't cut it. 'If you're not sure, go out and try some more pain,' they said."

I've had enough pain, thank you. If recovery takes giving up all entertainment, sugar, and coin collections, then I'm going to be a screen-less, sugar-less,  coin-less recovering addict. Because really, when we get to heaven, will that documentary, that cheesecake, and that rare 1893 penny really matter?


Also, a comic based on this post is coming up.