A number of months ago, my mother in law asked me and my wife to look in a box to see if we were interested in any of the old things she was going to take to be donated. In the box was a package of Hai Karate--a cologne from the 50s or 60s that had belonged to my wife's grandpa. In it was an ad, which, I must say, transcends time with it's humor and quirkiness:
There are a few things I particularly like about it: the basic premise is that a man doesn't want to be seduced, even to the point of physically defending himself. If it was funny because it was ridiculous 60 years ago, how much more ridiculous is that idea nowadays? A man resisting the advances of an attractive woman? Even one who he is committed, or even married to! The implication, of course, is that if you use this product women will try getting physical with you, and if you're like this goofy-looking guy you can choose to resist (but of course no man actually would).
This last week I came across this article by Andrew from the Marbles and Rowboats Blog. I'll have to admit that it kind of blew my mind. I never even considered that sex is optional! I've since read in the SA material a bit more about it. Here's a central paragraph:
"Our collective experience is that sexual sobriety will free us from a compulsive need to be sexual. We seek to restore the instinct for sexual intimacy to its proper place for reproduction and maintaining healthy ties with a spouse. When we stopped entertaining lust and sexual stimulation, the need to be obsessively sexual left us."
What an amazing idea! As someone still pretty early in the recover process, it fills me with hope and determination to know that this ever-increasing "need" to have sex--even with my wife--is not inevitable and is not even appropriate. I honestly had myself convinced that my love language was physical touch and my wife wasn't meeting my needs--which were, of course, pressing and unavoidable! It's such a relief to know that that's the addiction talking, and that I won't sustain permanent mental or emotional damage if I don't give in to those feelings. I'm starting to feel that this is true.
Another thing I really like about this ad is the nature of the encounter. She surprises him and puts him off balance. He recovers his balance, and employs his training to break her hold. Then he actively puts her in a half-nelson so she doesn't come at him again. Firstly...know that I don't advocate violence to any degree towards women of any kind. :) But secondly, I like this as an analogy for dealing with lust and temptations. When I'm confronted with some form of pornography (including immodesty), it almost feels like I'm being tackled or at least attacked. My eyes make contact and, in the split second before I have a chance to make a good or poor decision, I react a certain way. My throat feels tighter, my head feels swimmy, and my heart starts beating faster. My past actions have certainly made this reaction worse, but I don't choose to react in the way that I do. I can choose to fall over and lose my balance (or sometimes it doesn't even feel like a choice), or I can fight to keep that balance. After I keep from falling over, I'm still in lust's hold. I have time to consider what to do with the thoughts that are streaming towards me. Do I fight them, or do I give in? This is where the reliance on someone else comes in--
I remember practicing Judo with my Tae Kwon Do instructor. I was used to fighting from a distance, but in Judo you're up close and grappling for control. My instructor didn't hold back because I didn't know the moves...he overpowered me over and over, slowly teaching me moves and the best way to react. Without knowing those moves, I was absolutely powerless to get out of his holds. Like knowing moves and training to use them, knowing how to react to temptations is essential. It's possible to not give in to the temptation, but not without someone to show me the way. And even deeper, I need God's help to do something I can't do for myself. I can't take that impulse away, but he can and will if I ask. Here are a few pieces of advice about how to react to temptation that have recently made an impression on me:
- Admitting I can't resist on my own, and let God take it.
- Praying for the girl who's the source of my lust.
- Contacting someone who I can talk about it with.
Lastly comes the half-nelson. This is where the "watch it, sister!" comes in also. I almost think of this as avoiding the situations where I know I'm going to be susceptible to attack. I think part of the reason I've had as much success with not relapsing over the last few weeks has been our family's change in screen-time policy. Before anything else, after I confessed to my wife and bishop, I signed up for Covenant Eyes internet accountability software. So I still have the choice to go to questionable sites, but I know that my wife will know about it. Also, we've all agreed to stop watching any entertainment of any kind for a while--no tv, no movies, no news, no video games, no documentaries, no anything by ourselves for entertainment purposes. I admit feeling withdrawal, but I also have to ask myself how far I'm willing to go to be in recovery? I read that it takes 3-5 years to establish a recovered lifestyle. Am I willing to not watch a single movie or show in that time if it means I'll be that much more likely to recover? Ten or twenty years from now, will I care if I didn't follow the news for a few years? Or play my beloved video games? I don't know if that's the right course of action, but I need to be willing to make that decision if it's necessary.
Because I need a tight half-nelson.
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