Part of me is not really comfortable with the way I think about the steps--I think, "now I'm done with step one, so I'm going to start step two." The problem with that kind of thinking is that nobody ever finishes step one. Or any of the steps, for that matter. I think a more accurate and appropriate way to think about it is "I feel like I've learned some important things as I've been working on step one for the last while, so I'm going to leave explicit study of it for now and apply the things I've learned as I move on to learn important things in step two." That said, this week I did finish reading through the first book of Step into Action, and I'm starting step four and the second book. It'll be interesting as I rework my step four inventory...since what I count as my step four inventory is really just a thorough step one inventory. Still, I'm not sure if this weekly post is going to look the same moving forward, but I've still enjoyed this last week of working through these books.
11/7/16
The solution [to alchoholism] is to not take the first drink...The solution [to sex addiction] is to become sexually sober.
I thought it was really interesting the difference between these two. I think the reason it doesn't mention "lusting" or "becoming sexually stimulated at all" in the second one isn't because that isn't the equivalent of the first drink, but because the solution and the addictions are inherently different. Even though it's called "Sexaholics Anonymous," there is no such thing as "sexahol." However, I consider part of sexually sobriety as progressive victory over lust, not complete victory over lust. To accomplish that, the addict would have to go live in a cave somewhere. And even then...
11/8/16
While we may feel we will die without sex with self, our experience is that this simply does not happen.
I once read a troll comment in the Rowboats and Marbles webpage that tried making the argument that not masturbating is really damaging (maybe I even wrote a post about it?). I can attest to the feeling that I might die, but not so much in a physical sense--more that my faulty core belief that "sexual fulfillment=my being a good person" means that I have control over my value. Not being in control of feeling that way feels like abandoning myself in a scary dark pit. However, as I do without I realize that I have inherent value and that not having sexual fulfillment isn't the end of the world.
When we stop these behaviors, we find that the urges pass, and we go on with our day. Our sobriety becomes the most important thing each day in every circumstance.
This line struck me probably more than any this whole week. It seems so strange to say that sobriety is more important than my relationship with God, my relationship with my wife, kids, friends, family or self. How is that possible? Every circumstance? What if I have to choose between making a good decision for my recovery and keeping my job? How could I choose sobriety over that? The answer is that sobriety is like salt--you might think by tasting salt directly that it will overpower any food you put it on...when in actuality it brings out the inherent flavor in everything. So by putting recovery first, my relationship with my wife becomes stronger. By choosing recovery first, my relationship with God becomes more powerful. So, yes, choosing what's best for my sobriety needs to happen "every day in every circumstance." If I lost my job standing up for my recovery, I will eventually be better off for it.
11/9/16
[Anonymity] teaches humility and also protects the well-being of the Fellowship if one of us loses sobriety or takes a public stand.
I wrote in the margin: "so no 'I've become sober because of SA.' More 'I've learned some really great principles that have helped me on my path to recovery.'" I think learning humility is one of the best benefits of 12-step groups. Taking ownership of my recovery and realizing I'm only a few dumb decisions away from relapsing is important. I think occasionally about people who considered themselves healed from pornography addiction and openly proclaimed so during meetings. Then I think of one guy I know who's approaching his second year in recovery and is still making daily calls, attending weekly meetings, actively working steps, and sponsoring two guys (which he never mentions...I found it out indirectly). He has humility and the kind of recovery I want.
11/10/16
Step one in AA vs SA: "...powerless over alcohol/lust"
I wrote in the margins the exact same thing with arrows to "alcohol" and "lust": "not a specific kind--the underlying addictive ingredient." It doesn't say "powerless over beer" or "liquor." It's the addictive ingredient, alcohol. Similarly, it doesn't have to say "powerless over porn" or "strip clubs" because the common ingredient in all of it is lust. By the way, my wife shared a great explanation of how lust addiction is a real thing, contrary to outdated beliefs that addictions can only come from outside chemical sources. I have the feeling that neurology will help sex addiction be treated seriously in years to come.
Step four: "searching and fearless moral inventory"
To me "searching" means "as complete as possible" and "fearless" I take means "as honest as possible." Also, maximum honesty I think includes positive things about ourselves. I don't know if I'm afraid of admitting positive things about myself, but I think as part of my accepting myself and not trying to punish myself by wallowing in shame after each relapse I need to acknowledge that I have good qualities. Should be interesting to do that without minimizing or rationalizing.
11/11/16
From the book two foreword: "We learn to take action to heal our anger and our fear. We learn to see ourselves more clearly. We begin to repair our relationship with ourselves so that eventually we can repair our relationships with others."
I really like the focus on action, seeing myself more clearly, and the concept of having a relationship with myself that needs to be repaired. Also that anger and fear are things that need to be healed...and can be healed. I feel like the two are related--my fear and anger have been part of my coping to my (largely unsuccessful) attempt to stabilize my life using porn and acting out to deal with life issues. I lash out or hide because porn doesn't actually solve my problems--it's simply a smoke screen that makes me feel better and hides the issues, which are actually getting worse. I need to heal from the damage my addiction has caused directly, but also the fear and anger I resorted to to deal with the fact that it doesn't work.
Also, my grandmother died on the 11th. I had all kinds of guilt for not being closer to her, but also thoughts of how I will one day be where she is now. I know it will be sad to be at the end of my life, but I really don't want to get there and know that I've ignored the resources and direction that's been given to me about how to be happy. I don't want to choose the easy path of indulgence and selfishness and get to the end of my life and realize that the easy path is the wrong path.
Sunday, November 13, 2016
Sunday, November 6, 2016
I Am My Biggest Stumbling Block to Developing Christ-like Attributes
10/30/16
"What does sanity mean to me? How would I like to be different?"
I would add to these questions, "what does recovery look like?" And answer them with the most recent realization I have about myself: I am stuck in a lot of ways, and I don't want to be. I don't do the things I know I should--and I'm not just talking about addiction stuff. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Fully sane, fully in recovery to me is there's nothing in my life that I want to do and can't because of addiction, fear, or pride.
10/31/16
This was the day where I read the description of a writing exercise to strengthen belief in God and gain a better understanding of my false beliefs in Him. It was generally good, but nothing particular stood out to me. I think it was that Satan has extra power on Halloween. Stupid Halloween. :(
11/1/16 STEP THREE
Essentially, when we took Step Three, we committed to stop living by self-will...We did this one day at a time by working the Steps in a spirit of willingness, striving for progress, not perfection.
I love this strong connection between my decision to change and action that will get me there. When I first read step three (and I've heard several other addicts say the same, including later in this chapter), I felt like this step would be super easy. "Make a decision!? BOOM! Done." To which I might respond back in time, "really? show me." My past self might point to my same (failed) good intentions or my future plans, but could I really say I was in it for the long haul, willing to sacrifice every weakness that stood in my way of progress? I definitely couldn't say that honestly.
In recovery, we saw that self-knowledge and intellect were overrated.
This reminds me of a line in Helping Her Heal with Dr. Doug Weiss. He's talking about not trying to understand what your wife is saying (the facts) but instead listen to what she's emoting (the emotions...I wish that were a more common verb). He says, "Get off your brain!" That the facts don't matter, and might not even be right. I think the same here--I might have the facts of recovery all wrong! I need to rely on the following facts: I can't handle lust. There is a loving God who wants to help me. I should let him by strengthening my relationship with Him and working the twelve steps. Those facts don't always make logical sense, but my intellect has led me wrong before. However, I think self-knowledge is extremely important in this...in recognizing specific ways in which I'm flawed.
11/2/16
"When our will was aligned with God's will for us, our lives became richer and fuller than we could ever have imagined."
The benefits of recovery is a topic that I feel doesn't get hammered as much as it needs to be. I don't even think I can comprehend or remember the difference between my active addictive life and my mostly-in-recovery life that I'm pursuing now. I get the sense, though, that the self-loathing and numbing/high doesn't hold a candle to the blazing inferno that is living honestly and authentically. I don't even think I'm close to the full feeling, but the little I've experienced makes me want more.
11/3/16
"Deciding to turn my will and life over to God's care is more of a process than a one-time event."
I like the way it's described in the ARP manual--that I was worried that by offering my will to God and then fearfully withdrawing it over and over would cause God to tire of me. But He doesn't, even when I have to learn the same lesson in recovery multiple times.
"Gradually, I found that the more I gave it over to Him, the easier my life became."
I think there's a paradox here because I'm not sure it's a realistic promise that "your life will get easier when you're in recovery." Here's what I wrote in the margins: "It's a difficult process, but the results are easy. Hard to stick with the easy." And I don't know, maybe it is easy. Not that life suddenly loses its trials and difficulties, but that I know I'm doing my best. I've heard from a number of guys with long-term recovery that the lust-temptations never go away, but the sense I've gotten is that the recovery impulses become so natural and comfortable that recovery is who they are, rather than an inconvenience.
11/4/16
My best thinking was self-will run riot.
Firstly, that's just fun to say. Self-will run riot. There's a kind of poetry to it. Besides that, though, I agree with the implication; I get the image of frantically playing whack-a-mole with all the impulses that pop their heads into my life. Rather than that, I'd rather just say to myself "what am I doing playing this stupid game when there are much more important things I'd rather be doing with my time?"
Story about a guy reaching out to check himself: "With you as my witness, I'm acknowledging my powerlessness to God."
I really liked this story, though I won't share the specifics. Here are the basic strategies I saw him implement: 1) a willingness to be open about past shameful behavior, 2) humbly questioning his perception of reality, 3) knowing where the addiction will eventually lead, and 4) publicly acknowledging his powerlessness as part of surrendering his addiction.
11/5/16
When I affirm my powerlessness to another sexaholic, I'm giving it to God; I know I'm no longer alone with it.
This is part two of that last quote. I love the idea that it's not enough to affirm powerlessness to God. There's a power that comes from doing that with another person who has been through a similar situation. That's been my experience. I can do all the work I can think of by myself, but unless I make contact with another human being, preferably a recovering addict who I trust, I'm not going to be successful.
Actions speak louder than words. "Half measures availed us nothing."
It's true that my actions don't necessarily reflect my heart--I can give away a lot of money to the poor so people think I'm awesome. However, I would argue that actions more genuinely reflect my heart more than my words. Actions, especially when taken together as a whole, are more difficult to fake than what I say. Also, I think that "half measures" quote is something I need to put on my wall. And keychain. And a t-shirt. Seriously, I think every time I've gotten in trouble in the last year has been because I've tried relying on half measures...and while it might appear they were good enough, they weren't actually giving me anything valuable in the long-term.
The list of action steps: "Get a sponsor," "Heed your sponsor's direction," "Develop a network of program friends."
I feel like the last one is particularly difficult and helpful, though they're all significant. No more isolation and doing it on my own.
11/6/16
"At the end of this 24 hours you are free to choose this sobriety for another day"
I would say that there isn't anything magical about a 24 hour period--sometimes I need to realize that I can go minute to minute having to decide if I want to continue with recovery. There are no permanent decisions in our lives. We need to recommit to the direction we're headed through the actions we take every moment we're alive. However, it would be pretty hard to change all at once, either for the good or the bad, so shorter goals (like a day) are good to work with rather than trying to bite off more than that.
Here's the thoughts I had today in Priesthood meeting:
The lesson was about how to develop Christ-like attributes. My question was, "why do I not possess these qualities already?" I've learned about them all my life, yet I'm not really even close to being the person I want to be. Why not? I'm tempted to blame life and others--I could say that my brother introducing me to pornography and my jobs being difficult and my wife, my kids, temptations, etc. are to blame. I really don't think that's fair, though. I really do believe that if I had a better understanding of who I am, who God is, and what His plan is for me, that I'd be able to improve in a way that I don't now. I am stuck--content to be where I'm at, willingly ignorant of my need or ability to improve, or given up that I even can change. I'm the only person who can give up the things that are keeping me from righteousness; I have to be the one to choose charity, faith, discipline, humility, etc. I am my biggest stumbling block to developing Christ-like attributes. And I've come to the conclusion that becoming more self-aware--recognizing my need to change and the specific ways I fall short--is a prerequisite to change.
"What does sanity mean to me? How would I like to be different?"
I would add to these questions, "what does recovery look like?" And answer them with the most recent realization I have about myself: I am stuck in a lot of ways, and I don't want to be. I don't do the things I know I should--and I'm not just talking about addiction stuff. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Fully sane, fully in recovery to me is there's nothing in my life that I want to do and can't because of addiction, fear, or pride.
10/31/16
This was the day where I read the description of a writing exercise to strengthen belief in God and gain a better understanding of my false beliefs in Him. It was generally good, but nothing particular stood out to me. I think it was that Satan has extra power on Halloween. Stupid Halloween. :(
11/1/16 STEP THREE
Essentially, when we took Step Three, we committed to stop living by self-will...We did this one day at a time by working the Steps in a spirit of willingness, striving for progress, not perfection.
I love this strong connection between my decision to change and action that will get me there. When I first read step three (and I've heard several other addicts say the same, including later in this chapter), I felt like this step would be super easy. "Make a decision!? BOOM! Done." To which I might respond back in time, "really? show me." My past self might point to my same (failed) good intentions or my future plans, but could I really say I was in it for the long haul, willing to sacrifice every weakness that stood in my way of progress? I definitely couldn't say that honestly.
In recovery, we saw that self-knowledge and intellect were overrated.
This reminds me of a line in Helping Her Heal with Dr. Doug Weiss. He's talking about not trying to understand what your wife is saying (the facts) but instead listen to what she's emoting (the emotions...I wish that were a more common verb). He says, "Get off your brain!" That the facts don't matter, and might not even be right. I think the same here--I might have the facts of recovery all wrong! I need to rely on the following facts: I can't handle lust. There is a loving God who wants to help me. I should let him by strengthening my relationship with Him and working the twelve steps. Those facts don't always make logical sense, but my intellect has led me wrong before. However, I think self-knowledge is extremely important in this...in recognizing specific ways in which I'm flawed.
11/2/16
"When our will was aligned with God's will for us, our lives became richer and fuller than we could ever have imagined."
The benefits of recovery is a topic that I feel doesn't get hammered as much as it needs to be. I don't even think I can comprehend or remember the difference between my active addictive life and my mostly-in-recovery life that I'm pursuing now. I get the sense, though, that the self-loathing and numbing/high doesn't hold a candle to the blazing inferno that is living honestly and authentically. I don't even think I'm close to the full feeling, but the little I've experienced makes me want more.
11/3/16
"Deciding to turn my will and life over to God's care is more of a process than a one-time event."
I like the way it's described in the ARP manual--that I was worried that by offering my will to God and then fearfully withdrawing it over and over would cause God to tire of me. But He doesn't, even when I have to learn the same lesson in recovery multiple times.
"Gradually, I found that the more I gave it over to Him, the easier my life became."
I think there's a paradox here because I'm not sure it's a realistic promise that "your life will get easier when you're in recovery." Here's what I wrote in the margins: "It's a difficult process, but the results are easy. Hard to stick with the easy." And I don't know, maybe it is easy. Not that life suddenly loses its trials and difficulties, but that I know I'm doing my best. I've heard from a number of guys with long-term recovery that the lust-temptations never go away, but the sense I've gotten is that the recovery impulses become so natural and comfortable that recovery is who they are, rather than an inconvenience.
11/4/16
My best thinking was self-will run riot.
Firstly, that's just fun to say. Self-will run riot. There's a kind of poetry to it. Besides that, though, I agree with the implication; I get the image of frantically playing whack-a-mole with all the impulses that pop their heads into my life. Rather than that, I'd rather just say to myself "what am I doing playing this stupid game when there are much more important things I'd rather be doing with my time?"
Story about a guy reaching out to check himself: "With you as my witness, I'm acknowledging my powerlessness to God."
I really liked this story, though I won't share the specifics. Here are the basic strategies I saw him implement: 1) a willingness to be open about past shameful behavior, 2) humbly questioning his perception of reality, 3) knowing where the addiction will eventually lead, and 4) publicly acknowledging his powerlessness as part of surrendering his addiction.
11/5/16
When I affirm my powerlessness to another sexaholic, I'm giving it to God; I know I'm no longer alone with it.
This is part two of that last quote. I love the idea that it's not enough to affirm powerlessness to God. There's a power that comes from doing that with another person who has been through a similar situation. That's been my experience. I can do all the work I can think of by myself, but unless I make contact with another human being, preferably a recovering addict who I trust, I'm not going to be successful.
Actions speak louder than words. "Half measures availed us nothing."
It's true that my actions don't necessarily reflect my heart--I can give away a lot of money to the poor so people think I'm awesome. However, I would argue that actions more genuinely reflect my heart more than my words. Actions, especially when taken together as a whole, are more difficult to fake than what I say. Also, I think that "half measures" quote is something I need to put on my wall. And keychain. And a t-shirt. Seriously, I think every time I've gotten in trouble in the last year has been because I've tried relying on half measures...and while it might appear they were good enough, they weren't actually giving me anything valuable in the long-term.
The list of action steps: "Get a sponsor," "Heed your sponsor's direction," "Develop a network of program friends."
I feel like the last one is particularly difficult and helpful, though they're all significant. No more isolation and doing it on my own.
11/6/16
"At the end of this 24 hours you are free to choose this sobriety for another day"
I would say that there isn't anything magical about a 24 hour period--sometimes I need to realize that I can go minute to minute having to decide if I want to continue with recovery. There are no permanent decisions in our lives. We need to recommit to the direction we're headed through the actions we take every moment we're alive. However, it would be pretty hard to change all at once, either for the good or the bad, so shorter goals (like a day) are good to work with rather than trying to bite off more than that.
Here's the thoughts I had today in Priesthood meeting:
The lesson was about how to develop Christ-like attributes. My question was, "why do I not possess these qualities already?" I've learned about them all my life, yet I'm not really even close to being the person I want to be. Why not? I'm tempted to blame life and others--I could say that my brother introducing me to pornography and my jobs being difficult and my wife, my kids, temptations, etc. are to blame. I really don't think that's fair, though. I really do believe that if I had a better understanding of who I am, who God is, and what His plan is for me, that I'd be able to improve in a way that I don't now. I am stuck--content to be where I'm at, willingly ignorant of my need or ability to improve, or given up that I even can change. I'm the only person who can give up the things that are keeping me from righteousness; I have to be the one to choose charity, faith, discipline, humility, etc. I am my biggest stumbling block to developing Christ-like attributes. And I've come to the conclusion that becoming more self-aware--recognizing my need to change and the specific ways I fall short--is a prerequisite to change.
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