No Guilt-Free Onions (Part Two)

A few weeks ago I read a post by Andrew from the Row Boat and Marbles website about how sex is optional. In the comments was someone who was strongly opposed to this idea. Apparently, I wasn't the only one affected by this comment, since Andrew wrote a long response, and made the whole exchange into its own post. I wasn't completely satisfied with either side of the argument, so I'd like to weigh in a bit about both of their opinions as I continue my discussion of why my wife and I chose 3 months of celibacy in our marriage.

The main thrust of Andrew's post was that not having sex won't kill you, which (taken out of context) is a little vague. There are a lot of things that won't quite kill me...but are we talking about accidentally drinking a lethal amount of poison and later finding out it was actually just vinegar? Or are we talking about a failed rocket-bike over the grand canyon to break every bone longer than 6 inches in your body? Neither kills you, but one sure comes a lot closer.

Still, what negative effects might celibacy have? In the contradictory comment I mentioned, Matt S. said not having any sex has the following negative effects:

--"problems"
--failed marriage (his own)
--pedophilia (the Catholic church)
--"psychological dysfunction"
--"extreme psychological issues"
--"repression and more problems"
--"harm"

Hmmm...also not very specific. The most concrete parts like his marriage or pedophilia were also lacking in solid backing. He challenged Andrew to look at literature on sexual repression, so I decided to look into it a bit. There is apparently some support for increased aggression, and hypotheses about increased rates of rape. I saw so few studies that were focused enough on the kinds of situations that would shed light not this debate that I kind of doubt the commenter that they exist. Still, I have no doubt that trying to force celibacy on someone who desperately doesn't want it might help lead to aggression, rape, pedophilia and other terrible things. I have no doubt that Matt's marriage failed in part because his wife wasn't having sex with him as much as he wanted. But is there a direct causal link like Matt argues?

Because the addict's brain has literally been rewired by addiction, it's going to be painful to go against those embedded reward pathways! Not having any sex will be painful to a recovering sex addict. Pornography and masturbation has been our drug of choice to numb our perceived inadequacies, slights, and challenges. Not taking this drug is like exposing a raw nerve. Taking that a step further and not having any kind of sex is going to be even worse. Could this "pain" be qualified as "psychological dysfunction" or "extreme psychological issues"? That sounds like a stretch. Is it possible that a person might relapse with even worse behavior than if they had never tried to change their habits? Maybe. Is it possible that someone could do permanent damage to themselves by not having sex for any amount of time? I highly doubt it. Still, I strongly disagree that the only logical answer is to live with the debilitating addiction because there's a chance it could get worse. Like Andrew says, for a true addict there is no living with the addiction. It's up or down. And unlike the commenter, those of us who have sex addiction feel how dangerous it is to dismiss the idea of controlling our sexual appetites.

So it's going to be painful, and it may or may not feel like you're going insane. But why avoid having sex with your legally/lawfully wedded wife? Won't having sex alleviate some of the pressure/ temptations and be a great tool for your wife to show how proud she is of the progress you're making? Preview--no it won't and no it isn't.

Healing from the Damage of Sex Addiction

If you've injured your knee, you're going to avoid using it until it's healed. While there isn't any physical damage that would require someone to stop having sex, there has been damage to attitudes, habits, and the relationship.

Attitudes: The porn addict, though they may try to resist it, is going to have a warped sense of what his wife wants, what she finds pleasurable, and what sex is supposed to be like. The addict who is secretly still acting out isn't going to be able to communicate these expectations and opinions, and conflict is inevitable. After confession, the only way to figure out what opinions are unreasonable or inaccurate is to talk about it...and the safe ground of an agreed-upon period of celibacy will make such communication less pressured. Healing doesn't just happen; open conversation is necessary.

Habits: One of the biggest justifications I hear for masturbation is that it flushes out the system and helps with fertility by making room for new sperm. There's only one necessary system for making sure your reproductive system is working, and it's called "morning wood" (aka Nocturnal Penile Tumescence, a spontaneous erection experienced nightly by all men without penile dysfunction). On the other hand, it's been proven that masturbation and pornography can lead to premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction disorder. Celibacy provides some time to completely reset the body's sex habits.

Relationship: The wife has been treated like a meat-sack sex object. Especially after hearing the extent of the addiction, she will wonder where her husband was mentally during sex, if having sex with him makes her a porn actress, and if he can ever be clean from what he's done. She needs to be so convinced deep down that he's in recovery that even a return to the source of the trauma--sex--won't bring the thoughts and feelings flooding back. And that takes time to reestablish that trust.


The third step of the 12-step programs is to trust God. I need to trust that giving up my addiction is going to end up in the kind of me that I want. I have to trust Him that I'm not going to be a sexually repressed, bitter individual like Matt S believes I will be. It takes faith to expose my nerves and endure pain...especially pain that is as easy to reduce as a quick glance to the attractive girl sitting next to me, and as easy to satisfy as a quick visit to the privacy of the bathroom. It's easy to accept the lies that say I can serve God and Mammon--after all, I know on a mental level what's morally right. Why can't I indulge in pornography just a little, and then not let it affect me as I do what I'm supposed to? It's not possible to not let it affect me, because it's infinitely more powerful than I am. I need to accept my powerlessness and let go of sex completely, with no strings attached, until I'm ready for it. And until my wife is ready for it. We're abstaining from any sexual relations because our marriage and relationship comes before sex.

Going back to onions and my wife's sensitive nose--it's true that I can be guilt-free and sneak onions nowadays since my wife and I aren't kissing anyways. But I'm not going to. I want to do everything I can to establish habits that will help heal my marriage and family, even the silly things like not eating onions--even for no other reason than because my wife doesn't like onion breath.