City Walls vs Lines in the Sand

One of my favorite scriptures from the Old Testament is Proverbs 25: 28--"he that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls." We're living in a time where there are no walls around cities, and probably for good reason--there are no wandering hordes of mud-smeared marauders waiting to take over malls and town halls. However, in a figurative sense, we are surrounded by morally-smeared marauders, and our culture doesn't believe much in walls of self-control. Our opponent--pornography, in all its forms--is abetted by a majority of Americans, and can sneak into our houses through the thickest walls (assuming you have a good wifi signal).

How can we defend ourselves? We need walls, but the kind that will filter out moral bandits that can go through the hardest metals. There's only one filter that works: "the only [filter] that will ultimately work, is the personal internal filter that comes from a deep and abiding testimony of our Heavenly Father’s love and our Savior’s atoning sacrifice for each one of us" (Sister Reeves). Look closely...that's not "internet filter," that's "internal filter."

But what does this "personal internal filter" actually look like? Since I'm a bit of an expert on this (having stopped looking at pornography at least once a week for around 17 years :), let me share one thing that never works: the line in the sand.

If I've relapsed or gotten in a relapse mindset, no amount of words on a page, commitments I've made to myself, or New Year's Resolutions will make me change anything I do. In the past I certainly have set lines in the sand for myself, then when I got to the edge of the line I'd look around, erase the line, draw a new one a few steps away, and say, "nobody saw that, right? This is where the new line is. I mean, this is where the line was all along. Yeah? yeah." I lied to myself so much that I actually believed I was  trying to overcome my addiction, always secretly setting myself up for failure. Rather than building an actual wall, I would content myself with an imaginary, easily movable line. If your protection doesn't involve someone else, or if it doesn't strive to change the behavior (rather than manage, control, or adjust it), it is most likely a line in the sand. 

(coloration by my son, by the way)

So what do "walls" look like in real life? I've noticed that a lot of the blogs of addict's loved ones have a section or a post about boundaries. The word "boundary" may sound like a flimsy, contrived line, but the more I see of these kinds of posts, the more I think they're the kind of wall I'm talking about. I think setting boundaries is a great idea in a relationship, but I got thinking--could they work for an addict?

Boundaries are about rights and safety. They acknowledge the way things should be, and set solid, realistic, impersonal repercussions for specific failures. It's inherently different, though, to set repercussions based off your own behavior, rather than someone else's. Let me enter devil's advocate mode to address why boundaries made by addicts might not work for themselves:

• Setting boundaries for yourself is like hiring a guard that has a track record of letting in thieves. I agree, though the difference is the timing and the back-up support. The kinds of boundaries I set below are for much earlier in my addiction cycle than anything I've tried in the past. I'm not trying to force myself not to relapse...I'm setting goals and consequences, from a place of strength, that use other travelers to help get me back on the road to recovery when I start to wander near the edge. 
• How can you trust yourself to follow through? I know there are times when I can't trust myself to make the right decision. When I feel myself going down that side-path to nowhere I know I need to stop moving until I get help and find my bearings. When I realize I'm not moving in the right direction, I (believe I) still have enough control to respond by putting more distance between me and the problem action. I view this like the "Panic! Disable Internet Access..." feature for Covenant Eyes (which, when clicked on, will disconnect your computer from the internet for 20 or so minutes). The only difference is that this is for my life. After I've stopped and/or reached out, I'm confident Heavenly Father will help me start moving in the right direction again.
• Are these universal truths you're tapping into, or are they just for you? These boundaries are very personalized--they're based on my understanding of what I need to be safe, and on what works well for me. For example, I have a few "no entertainment for a week" repercussions, which might sound unrealistic to some people. I know it's important to find ways to relax...I'm just becoming more and more convinced that relaxing in front of some kind of screen isn't a good idea for me. I spent the first month after confessing to my wife again completely without screen time (besides weekly movie night). And far from having a mental breakdown with no relaxation outlet, it was a great and challenging experience.
• Is creating boundaries for yourself a sign that you're forming multiple personalities? I think everyone has opposing sides within their natures. Everyone is a roiling storm of self-destructive tendencies and godly attributes. I think it's a good idea to have a healthy dose of mistrust for yourself. Some people can be trusted to control themselves automatically; I've given up that ability in this area of my life. 

Anyways, here goes:

Boundary #1: I will not watch/play any form of entertainment that is *unacceptably triggering. If I feel that part of my desire to watch/play something is to be sexually stimulated, I will cut myself off from all entertainment for at least a week to give myself time to gain a clearer perspective of my motives and self-control.

*I will define "unacceptably triggering" as anything that would make me feel shame watching with my wife. For example, the other night we were watching a Disney movie. Safe, right? Well, watch Aladdin and you'll see bare midriffs all over the place, the genie summoning sultry dancers, etc. I was embarrassed in places, but not really triggered and shamed. If I had been, I would probably need a break from entertainment to assess my recovery/entertainment criteria.

Boundary #2: I will not watch/play any form of entertainment for so long that I feel guilty. Right now (4/18/14), that means no solo time--only family movie night, an hour of video games on Saturday with the boys, and whatever game or show my wife wants to watch after the kids are down. If I watch/play long enough that I feel guilt or an unreasonable desire to keep playing/watching, I will cut myself off from all entertainment for at least a week to give myself time to gain a better understanding of my motives and self-control.

Boundary #3: I will not work in a public place that has proven itself to be *triggering and high traffic. If I find myself choosing my work location in a building based on inappropriate desires, I will not return to that building to study/do work for a month. Instead, I will travel further away and find a safer place.

*(More context: I need to grade papers, but I don't have an office. I usually stay in a public place on campus or the library to do work, but some places have higher concentrations of triggering individuals than others. AKA, an enclosed work desk in an empty hallway vs a open study area with a dozen couches and 20 tables.

Boundary #4: I will not *work on recovery material or read recovery blogs for so long that I feel guilty. If I know I should be using my time differently and am unable to, I will text or call my wife, my brother, or someone in my recovery group that I can talk about it with. 

*(More context: this one is tricky because working on recovery stuff has replaced mindlessly wandering the internet, which is infinitely more triggering. I don't want to simply stop recovery stuff because I know that would create a vacuum that something less helpful will fill. And I figure if I'm using working on recovery as a time-waster, I'm doing something right. :)

Boundary #5: I will monitor my eyes and thoughts while around people in public, and I will achieve progressive victory over lust. If I fail to monitor and control my eyes/thoughts--to the degree that my conscience tells me is "progressive"--I will discuss the specific instance with my wife during our nightly check-in. No compensating behavior afterwards can change the need to discuss it.

Boundary #6: I will not initiate physical intimacy with my wife without her feeling safe and affectionate. For now (4/18/14), this means nothing even close to sexual...only signs of affection like a brief hug and an arm/shoulder pat. If I find myself wanting to initiate intimacy without her permission, I'll bring it up in our nightly check-in so we can discuss our feelings. 

Boundary #7: I will attend as many recovery meetings as it takes to feel actively in recovery the whole week long. What this looks like now (4/18/14) is the Tuesday night ARP meeting, the Wednesday night SA meeting, and the Saturday morning SA meeting. If I find myself debating whether or not to attend a meeting, I will call my wife, brother, or someone in my recovery group to ask their opinion. 


I reserve the right to tweak this list. I hope what that means is that I'll be able to drop ones that aren't needed (#3, for example), and loosen up the temporary boundaries in 2, 6, and 7. I'm willing to tighten, add to, or revise these so they're more conducive to recovery. We'll see.

Is this a wall that won't let marauders through? I don't know, but I believe in Heavenly Fathers love for me and the Saviors ability to take this addiction and turn it into a strength, if I let him. I want to rule my own spirit, and I'm willing to forego my usual habits and turn to those around me to help me along the way.