Insanity and Making Calls

When I first started looking at blogs and reading recovery literature, I heard people say that their addiction made them insane. I thought they meant it like "wow, it's crazy how irresponsible and harmful my actions have been." But now I can see how it's not a figure of speech--sex and lust addiction literally causes a form of insanity. Think of Albert Einstein's definition of insanity: "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." There is no time requirements with this definition, but I think 17 years of trying the same things qualifies.

And it's not that I only tried one thing to overcome this addiction...but I only tried things I could do by myself. For example, a number of years ago I had a little handmade book that I would use to keep a weekly schedule. I would have daily goals with little check boxes. At one point, I even had code letters in some of these boxes to indicate whether or not I had been lust-free; I also had a mark that would indicate when I relapsed. It went a little something like this: "Ok. I reached a full 5 days without acting out--next week I'm going to do better. YES! I made it to 6 days this time! Ok, now 4 days. Yes! Back to 5 days again. Ok, now 3. Alright! 7 days, my best yet. Ok, now 1 day. 1 day. 2 days." Continued for years. You'd think that after a few weeks of that I'd realize it doesn't work!

How could I overcome such a difficult problem when my glasses were tinted a very dark shade of crazy? I couldn't.  I had to have perspective and clear thinking--both of which I didn't and couldn't have.

That's why it's so important to reach out when I'm wearing those glasses. I recently got a sponsor, and one of the things he recommended was to be in daily contact with guys in the group. I don't really like talking on the phone, so my initial reaction was fear and resistance. He said, though, that being in daily contact, especially when things were going well, would establish a habit of reaching out. That way, when rough days came I'd have a support group I felt comfortable relying on--it would remove the excuse of "I need to reach out, but I don't really know anyone."

I've been amazed what effect calling someone else in the moment of my insanity has on me. The last week I don't feel like I've really been in imminent danger of acting out, but I've definitely been caught in white-knuckling thought loops, with me on the losing side. For example, earlier this week I came home from work tired and ready to stop work for the day. This overwhelmed, checked-out feeling was made worse when I saw how dirty the house was. Part of me wanted to jump up and help my wife with the house and kids, but I couldn't. I sat on the couch in a depressed stupor for a while, looking at something mindless on the internet. I may not be able to force myself to change, but I could, I eventually remembered, reach out to someone.

I decided to call my brother, who shares the addiction but is further along in his recovery. We had a great discussion and I felt much better, even before we were done. I helped put away laundry and even made dinner that night.

I'm trying my hardest to work my recovery, but there are times when I instinctively reach for my glasses tinted ten shades of insanity. When I get in that position my old impulses to fight for my life come back. I'm increasingly convinced that reaching out through the phone when that happens is the only consistent way out of that thinking.

It's not that by calling someone I can cure my insanity. Reaching out requires humility--admitting that I can't see clearly, that I can't do it on my own. It has to start with me, but it isn't me. And it's not that the guys I call cure me of insanity--they point me in the right direction, which is up. The only One who can cure me of insanity is my Heavenly physician. He's the only one who can help me when I call and surrender my desire to be disobedient. And call me crazy, but I think that's a call worth making, no matter how hard it is.