An Emotional Post (Not Really)

So much for "third times a charm." This will be my fourth blog post attempt in a little over a month.

Sometimes I wonder whether I have emotions at all. For example, at a recent ARP meeting there were a number of the other guys shared very heartfelt experiences and testimonies, including getting teared up about the atonement. It's not that I don't feel anything, but a lot of times I find myself sitting in silence, thinking that I should probably be feeling some sort of strong emotion, but nothing really happening. After the most recent confession of relapse to my wife, my guilt and shame registered mentally...but not as much powerfully emotionally as I would have expected. Am I just an inhuman monster that doesn't have feelings, or is there some other explanation?

A week or two ago I met with my counsellor, despite kind of dreading it. I was struggling with hard feelings against him (anger I can manage ok, apparently). As I met with him I told him about what he said that had bothered me and why. I told about how the way he met with my wife and discussed ideas about what might be contributing to my problems made me feel ganged up on and attacked. I told him how last time we met I felt like he was a bit dismissive of my plans for the summer. This sounds like I let him have it, but it was a really uplifting, two-sided, mature sharing of point of views. It was a type of pure conversation that I found very enlightening and hopeful (that maybe I do have emotions that I can connect with). He helped validate my perspective and made me feel listened to.

After the last relapse, my wife and I set a goal to avoid TV as much as possible and talk each night. In a recent conversation we talked about how we react to each other. When I don't add to the discussion, my wife tends to talk about herself and recent thoughts and experiences she has had that might shed light on the topic at hand--she feels like she doesn't want to be prying or force me into sharing anything I don't want to. On the other hand, I feel like she doesn't care about me or my feelings. I don't want to have to prompt her to ask about my feelings, since that won't show that she cares. We reached a conclusion that I need to talk more about what I'm feeling and she needs to show more interest in what I'm thinking and feeling (risking saying something insensitive, which she acknowledges doing and fearing to do again).

I'm seventh out of eight children in my family. Directly ahead of me are three very strong personalities, especially during their teenage years. My wife and I talked about how I coped with following three such powerful personalities, whose problems were often much more visible and pressing than mine seemed to be. I always prided myself on not being needy and wanting attention; however, I'm not so sure that was what was actually going on. I think I felt a deep need to connect with my family, and (especially when pornography came into the picture) I also felt a deep barrier between us. I pushed my feeling and needs down so I wouldn't be a burden...in fact, I still have a strong aversion to feeling like I'm inconveniencing people. My addiction was in part a manifestation of my desire to feel some emotional connection--even if it was through the fake, poisoned outlet pornography offered.

I don't lack emotions. I simply am in the habit of pushing them down so they don't embarrass or inconvenience me or those around me. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that--I have emotional needs that have to be met if I'm going to live a happy and productive life. Rather than taking the easy way out and relying on pornography to feel good about myself--or expecting others to read my mind about how to meet my needs--I need to learn how to stand up for my desire to be understood and emotionally validated if I'm going to have long-lasting recovery.

Book Review: We Will End the Conflict Now

One of the benefits that have come from telling my dad about my addiction has been a book he gave to me about recovering from pornography addiction called We Will End the Conflict Now: Victory Over Pornography From the Perspective of a Recovered Addict and His Wife, by William A and Mae Donne. I finished it recently and thought others here might like to hear about it.

One of my biggest concerns I had when I first looked at the book is evident in the title: "end" the conflict, "victory over pornography," and a "recovered" addict. This definitive phrasing--that pornography is something that has a clear end, that can be conquered, and that can be definitively recovered from--made me very uncomfortable. However, as I read the book, I found that the authors are sufficiently cautious in the way they address addiction and talk about recovery. In fact, near the end of the book, William writes, "The reality is both of you, husband and wife, will spend the rest of your lives recovering and rebuilding trust." On the other hand, he continues by critiquing the saying once an addict, always an addict: "personally, I do not subscribe to this philosophy. I believe hearts can change" (252-253). Though initially skeptical, I'm satisfied that this book represents a realistic, though optimistic, take on recovery. Of the eleven 5-star ratings on Amazon.com (and there are only 5-star ratings), the one by N. Daniel puts it well: "What struck me about this book right away was that it didn't bring back any darkness for me -- quite the opposite -- It felt hopeful and freeing. There was genuine love and understanding in this book. It was not analytical or scientific, it focused on genuine honest communication and truly made me feel more hope for my future." I don't know that I agree about it not being analytical--I think it does analyze experiences and ideas--but I agree its optimistic content isn't focused on science.

Another thing about this book that threw me off at first was the audience. The book is written for a married audience that not only isn't Mormon, but also isn't even necessarily christian...or doesn't believe in God at all. Having read from the Alcoholics Anonymous big book, which is written for this kind of audience, I can see where they're coming from, though it bugged me at first. I also had to reassess my critique based on comments they made about people they had talked to: for example, Mae writes "On the heels of sharing my personal experience before, I have heard people say to some extent: 'that's wonderful for you, but what about for someone like me who doesn't believe in Jesus Christ? I can't just hand my anger and hurt over to him like you did.' My answer: " (244)... and I'm going to make you read the book to find out what her answer is. The fact that they address such questions makes the book appealing to a broad range of audience members (unlike my blog, which is written for a Mormon audience...sorry non-mormons, if there are any reading this). I suppose this makes it work for Mormons who are doubting their faith, which makes it valuable.

I especially appreciated the dual authorship. Around two-thirds of the book is written by William Donne, but both his section and Mae's are written to appeal to both husband and wife. Some of the things in the wife-to-wife section was very helpful for me to read--and likewise, I think some of the things written in the husband-to-husband section would be very good for my wife to read (and I'm planning on having her read it). A sampling of some of the sections include "Part 1: What Is Addiction?," "Is Pornography Adulterous?," "The Real Cause of Addiction," "When Desire is Lacking," "How Long Will It Take?," "Filling the Voids," and "Control Your Surroundings" in William's section and "You Are Not Alone," "Seven Steps of Grieving," "Moving Forward," and "Hope and Healing" from Mae's section.

In short, this book successfully balances optimism with a realistic understanding of addiction and recovery. It relies on practical, real-life examples and literary quotes (especially the bible) without delving into science to explain addiction or recovery. It draws on perspectives from husband and wife while not alienating people who aren't christian or don't believe in God. It is practical and helpful, and I recommend it to anyone who's interested.


Another book I recommend that I should have written a review of is What Can I Do About Him Me? by Rhyll Croshaw. Up next on my list of books to read is He Restoreth My Soul. Let me know any other books about (recovery from) pornography addiction I should read.