- I have some pretty bad shame issues from not successfully maintaining my recovery. I just feel like a super bad hypocrite writing on here about recovery, when I'm obviously no expert. Still, I occasionally think back to things that I've written on here, and admit this blog is to help me.
- I have developed other ways of thinking through ideas and keeping myself accountable. I've established a pretty solid support network of guys I reach out to regularly (nightly check-ins at this point), and I write in a physical journal about as often as I put entries on this blog.
- I've written about a lot of things and it's harder to come up with original ideas. And don't get me wrong, I know there are endless things to write about. I simply don't want to write about repetitive or uninteresting things. And I've lost the drive to dig to the level I used to.
- I've gotten out of the habit. Over the summer, especially, I was pressed to my limit schedule wise and internet-access wise. On the other hand, when students tell me "I was too busy to do my homework," I translate that to "I didn't want to do it as bad as I wanted to do other things."
I had this idea a while ago about how my addiction works, and I thought it would be helpful to share:
"Rewards for Good Behavior" Becomes "Rewards Mean I'm a Good Person"
I came from a home where food and entertainment were regularly linked to good behavior. "You did well on a test at school? Let's go get a milk shake!" or "We worked hard today, let's watch a movie tonight." After a while, it becomes a habit, then a crutch. I eventually shift from doing the good actions for itself (with the reward as support) to doing the action to get the reward. And, as an added bonus, I have the past positive reinforcement--years of "good job!"--that mentally become linked to pleasure rewards.
Jump ahead to the insecure teen years, when I begin doubting my self worth. Or maybe it's that I become lazy or prideful enough to think I can take a shortcut past good behavior straight to the sign of good behavior--the pleasure reward. It eventually becomes "well, if I can't feel successful in real life, at least I can feel successful by getting the reward of a good person." Of course the reward is now pornography and masturbation, and of course they make me feel even less valuable which makes me feel an even stronger desire to feel like a good person.
Even now that I realize this and other illogical thought patterns, I find this way of thinking creeping in. The other week as I was working to resist lusting while on campus, I found myself subconsciously thinking/feeling that I had done good work in resisting lust and I knew I am on the right track (and I wasn't getting any sexual fulfillment from my wife), so I deserve a reward...of course, a little lust stimulation. It doesn't get much more illogical and insane than that.
Good Behavior Should Be the Reward
Making good decisions shouldn't be clouded by pleasure rewards. My wife has stopped having sex with me just because I'm doing well in recovery, which is a good thing. I've stopped watching television and movies or playing video games because I've gotten good work done. I want to get to the point where I work honestly and diligently throughout the day, then when I come home tired and satisfied from the good work I've done, I help my wife with the laundry and dishes and play with my kids. When or if I get to the point where I can handle pleasurable entertainment or food regularly, I need to ask myself, "am I doing this to escape my worries or to reward myself? Or "am I doing this to connect with my family members and enjoy life from a healthy set of habits?"
