But first, to defend my previous title, I admit it was a step up to talk about it as an addiction. On my mission (after I confessed to my mission president) he had me give him a written update every week to let him know if I ever relapsed. The first time I did, I wrote, "I had an accident." To which he responded, curtly and appropriately, "This was no accident." He was completely right. This isn't a little problem, and it isn't something that can be minimized and go away. So at least I had that going for the title.
After a few posts, I realized that I may be addicted to video games, but it was extremely inaccurate to put that by itself AND ahead of pornography and/or lust. I've found video games, for me, to be a trigger that not many other people focus on, but after a little inspection it is clearly secondary to my addiction to lust.
There was something about the nature of the old title that bothered me. A few months later, I figured out what it was. One of the first assignments my bishop gave me after my recent confession was to read "Overcoming Addiction Through the Atonement" by Benjamin R. Erwin. At the end of it, I followed the link to the church website "combatingpornography.org." When I got there, I was momentarily surprised that it automatically rerouted to a webpage entitled, "overcomingpornography.org." I was slightly confused about it, until I thought about it. Our job as addicts is not to combat pornography. I've been combating pornography (half-heartedly, I admit) since the beginning. The goal isn't to combat, it is to overcome. That's why I changed my title from "My Addiction," which is simply describing the problem, to an action: "Recovering Myself."
I chose it partly because I love the word "recovery." It makes me think of someone who has been ill, and is on their way to being better. People who haven't become infected with this plague need to fortify themselves to keep from getting it. People who have need to work actively to overcome it. It might be a stretch to talk about it as something that is catching, so maybe recovering from cancer might work better. Either way, I love how the Caduceus, the symbol of medical recovery, is so similar to the story of the brass serpent in the Old Testament, the symbol of spiritual healing through the Savior.
"Recovery" also makes me think of something that has been lost, but miraculously and joyously was returned. As in, "my bike was stolen, but the police recovered it." This would be a great place to refer to the Savior's parables of lost sheep or a lost coin. Instead, I think the recovery of injured or captive soldiers behind enemy lines is another powerful way of thinking about it. I like how it emphasizes the recovery effort by church members who aren't addicted (cuz "never leave a man behind").
There are other meanings, though. If you break "recover" down, it becomes, "to cover again." Well if this is the case, what would we be covering, and how did it become uncovered? I remember a comment someone made in an Elder's Quorum years ago--we had just read D&C 121:45, and he remarked that he always thought of our minds as a polished metal ball, and if they have been "garnished" with virtue, then garbage could be dumped on it and the filth would slide right off. The garbage hasn't slid off from my mind for a long time. I want to re-cover my mind (with a protective layer of virtue?) so that it does.
The biggest concern I have with the title is the reflexive nature of it. There are so many people I need to rely on to be in recovery: my recovery group, my wife, my bishop, other blog authors, and--most importantly--my Savior. Recovering myself isn't really something I do on my own; still, it's something that starts with me. In my experience, if I'm not the one who really wants it, I find a way to avoid the help. I hide behind a tree so the recovery party doesn't find me, or I hide in the bathroom when the nurse comes with the medicine, or I don't get out of the way of the garbage that's coming towards me. I rationalize looking at inappropriate media ("it's not that bad"), or wasting time ("I've worked hard. I need a break."), or any number of other things. But I know that I'm worth getting back and getting better. And I know the Savior and others will be there for me as I work my own recovery.
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