Step Six:
“As long as we could see the possibility of becoming
willing, we were still in the program. At times of unwillingness, we prayed for
willingness.”
I love the phrasing “see the possibility of becoming
willing,” as though it’s a target I’m aiming at, missing consistently but
getting closer. Though honestly, as an addict I don’t always have the most realistic
grasp on my attitude—“I could overcome my porn problem any time I want.” Still, when I learned to be honest
enough with myself, all I need is the realistic desire to be willing. It’s like
the desire to believe as a seed (in Alma 32) that I have to let work within me
until I believe. If I’m letting my willingness work within me, I’m still
working towards recovery in good faith.
“Although [character weaknesses] tended to pop up anew every
day…”
Step six isn’t a magical removal of my character
weaknesses—it’s a daily surrender as they arise. What I don’t think the text
expresses is that the character weaknesses lose their power and I become
increasingly purified as I rely on the Savior’s help to root them out of my
chest (Alma 22:15). Over time I learn to become a new being,
cleansed of impure motives and desires. Over a long time. Very long.
“…our defects can teach us humility and wisdom.”
This is a concept that I struggle with…I’ve heard a number
of addicts say that they were grateful for the addiction because it taught them
positive things. Yes, I think I can learn some very powerful lessons from
recovering from my addiction that I don’t think I could learn in any other way.
And I’m grateful for the miracle of forgiveness and that I’m making the
progress that I am. But I think I could have saved myself a lot of misery and
learned these same principles in other ways. When I compare the danger of me being lukewarm without
the addiction (not being forced to the atonement of Jesus Christ by an
uncontrollable compulsion), vs the danger of getting lost in my addiction never
to get out…I think I’d take lukewarm. Actually, I’ll take recovery, but you get
what I’m saying.
“…what appeared to be a character defect in one situation
could be an asset in another…conscientiousness to the extreme of perfectionism,
concern for the opinion of others to the extreme of dependency on their
approval.”
I don’t know that I agree that character weaknesses suddenly
change just based on the context, but I do think many, if not all, of my
weaknesses are based in good impulses. The addiction itself is mostly based in
a desire for acceptance and love, which is not a bad thing. Independence, a
desire to take care of myself without hurting others, can also be a good thing.
The way that it manifests in my life, though, is an unhealthy, corrupted
version of these otherwise positive attributes.
Part of the reason I think I turned to my addiction is because I connect my sense of personal value with how people view me. If I look good, then I can tell myself I am good. To admit error, then, is to undermine my value as a human being. A funny thing happens when I become willing to admit wrongdoing--I learn that I didn't need to hide my flaws in the first place. I'm still a valuable individual even with weaknesses. I'd like to partake in the cycle described in this quote--constantly humbling myself, constantly surrendering defects, and constantly making progress.
