If recovery is a path with rough, steep sections and smooth, relatively easy parts, I'm pretty sure I'm in a rough, steep part right now. Partly it's because of other pressures (7 days until a move, upcoming teaching, upcoming schooling, family's illness, kid's dental work, car trouble, 4 kids and their propensity for bickering/unhelpfulness/unrequested murals), but partly I'm not sure why. Both me and my wife have been feeling a bit down about our...fill in the blank. Marriage, parenting, recovery, habits, etc. Basically, I've felt like I'm a failure at this recovery thing. And after my last post, even the sobriety thing is in question. :)
Still, earlier this week I had a tender mercy experience where I got a glimpse of my own recovery. I went to an ARP meeting for the first time in five months. I've been going regularly to SA meetings during that time, but since I'm moving next week I wanted to go and 1) let everyone there know I didn't just fall off the wagon, and 2) put in a plug for SA, which has been super helpful to my sobriety/recovery. Since I hadn't been in so long, it brought back very clear memories of what I felt like the last time, regardless of all the intervening meetings.
The first time I went to an ARP meeting five-ish months ago, I was slightly nervous, not really sure about what to say, but really impressed with the spirit in the meeting. Sometimes in meetings the last several months I've shared because I feel like I should and that it would be good for me. I end up rambling about random things, then ending awkwardly. Pretty much every meeting I end up feeling that everyone else's share is so much more enlightening and amazing than mine...which I guess is a good thing (I recently heard the advice "stick with the winners.").
It's not only in meetings; throughout the week I'll be trying so hard...then I'll fall flat on my face. I'll come home from a super spiritual, empowering meeting then find myself yelling at my kids. I'll intentionally choose to reach out and call someone in my group, then later find myself making a google image search of an innocuous word, hoping for some kind of immodesty.
Side note: isn't it sad that even with "SafeSearch" on, stuff still comes up? How porn-infused is our culture when almost any word turns up porn? Also, I've since told my sponsor that if I do any Google image search like this I'll consider it a lapse in my sobriety.
Honestly, even the day I went to the meeting I wasn't having that stellar of a day. I'm pretty determined that I'm not going to replace one addiction for another, which has left me grasping for video games, movies, ANY entertainment to escape from my unwillingness to cope with life.
However, I was pleasantly surprised at the meeting that when I shared I felt confident and helpful. I'm pretty sure I rambled, but it seemed like it was from one good thing to another. In any case, it was a clear, powerful feeling, and I feel it was a blessing to have a brief snapshot of the progress of my recovery.
It helps me realize that I may fail a lot, but that doesn't mean I'm a failure. Failure is a thing that happens, not a part of my identity. And not only that, but I HAVE made progress, despite not being able to see it every day.
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