"Seven Days Without a Meeting Makes One Weak"

I feel like I've done a fair amount of meta-commentary about myself in the past, so I want to keep it short before getting into what I want to write about. Over the last year I've learned some really important skills/principles, enough that I was able to maintain nine months of sobriety. I recently lapsed, proving that I have a ways to go and even doing baseline recovery work, stresses can overwhelm me. I want to work through the first three steps in a more in-depth way than I have in the past, so I'm going to post here about my take-aways from working in the Step Into Action book one, (an SA workbook). We'll see how it goes.

10/7/16

"Why are you here? If the answer is, "I can't go on like this and I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop," then read on." 

I love this quote. Both that it's important to recognize why I'm choosing recovery, and that I have to get to the point where I'm willing to sacrifice ANYTHING to stop. For me the "anything" is video games, nightly movies/Dr. Who, sex with my wife, milkshakes, avoiding work, avoiding people, etc.

"Wishy-washy starts in the SA program just don't cut it. "If you're not sure, go out and try some more pain."

I would extend this to any attempt at recovery, not just SA. Also, the underlying idea here is that there is only one way to get better, and I don't have to be uptight if someone doesn't choose it because if they want to be happy they'll get there eventually. Or, more appropriately, if I feel like I can dance the line between recovery and getting a lust buzz, all I'm going to get is more pain until I choose sacrifice and work. 

10/8/16

"We often feel very unsure or shy at our first meetings, in addition to being angry that we need to be there."

I might have chosen the words "self-conscious" and "shame" in place of "unsure" and "shy." Also, I feel like the anger is directed at myself and at reality. At reality because I wish it would conform to what I want to be the conditions for happiness, and at myself because I realize that I'm the one who can't accept reality and what it takes to feel at peace with life. 

"It turns out that the desire to skip a meeting is our addiction at work."

Our addiction is constantly working on us. I'm ok with the vagueness of that phrase because I'm not sure if it's Satan, our rewired brains, or a combination of both. I'm leaning towards the combination.

10/9/16

"Seven days without a meeting makes one weak."

BOOM! I love play on words. I also feel like it's true that at about one week without a meeting I start not being as comfortable dealing with my problems. The perspective, fellowship, and spirit of meetings really are essential for me.

Meetings heal us; Higher power present at meetings.

This is my biggest problem with the SA program. I feel like in their desire to be inclusive of people who don't really believe in God, they've lost a lot of the doctrinal accuracy and power. So, just to be clear, meetings don't heal anyone. Meetings allow us to feel the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, which whispers to our souls what we have to do (or not do) to qualify for the cleansing/healing power of Jesus' atonement. He is the only one who can heal us. Just sayin'.

Self-Evaluation of my Recovery Account

In a recovery meeting a while ago I thought about my "Recovery Account" post, and thought I'd update it and do a quick self-evaluation using it.

Here's a quick review of the analogy--recovery actions are deposits into our recovery account, and addiction actions are withdrawals. Low "funds" tend to bring out addictive behavior, and high "funds" can give us a false sense of security if we're not careful. I've added to the original list, breaking things apart that I feel were more nuanced and significant (lust, dealing with stress, anger), adding some that weren't explicitly represented (entertainment), and clarified some wording (making one more applicable for non-married individuals, among others).  Am I headed towards bankruptcy in my recovery? Let's find out based on these ten sets of criteria (rather than seven in the old one):

Deposits to Recovery Account	Withdrawals from Account
Actively avoiding lust in person—visual or interpersonal. Progressive victory over lust.	The reluctant, unavoided, or actively pursued lust hit, whether visual or interpersonal.
Avoiding entertainment that elicits feelings of indulgence/ developing healthy hobbies.	Actively seeking or passively not avoiding triggering entertainment or hobbies.
Reaching out to fellow addicts in a moment of weakness.	Dwelling on angry or resentful thoughts over others' real or imagined wrongs.
Participating in recovery meetings.	Spending time or money on selfish wants instead of needs.
Surrendering desire to numb out stresses—instead working through them in healthy ways.	Numbing anxieties, stresses, and responsibilities with unhealthy food, screens, avoiding work, etc.
Studying addiction recovery materials and work on 12 steps.	Allowing mental fantasies to run wild, whether sexual or not.
Actively engaging in scripture study and prayer.	Using relationships with others as a release for sexual desires, either physically or relationally.
Thinking about and serving family members and others.	Justifying inappropriate actions instead of owning them.
Daily checkins with spouse, sponsor, or support network.	Acting out sexually—any action that stimulates sexual feelings.
Working hard in every responsibility—school, work, church calling, etc.	Lashing out at others in anger rather than owning and working through problems.

I'm going to say that I'm approximately 7 to 7 1/2 on the deposits side and 3 to 3 1/2 on the withdrawals side. That's 4 1/2-to-3 1/2 recovery bucks in my account every day. Yes, that's clearly an increase, but when you compare it to the 10 recovery bucks that are possible, I'm working at less than half recovery possible. I thought I was doing better than that, so that's a good insight.

Areas of concern from the deposit side are actively avoiding lust (I was doing so well at this, but I've had a hard time getting back into all my good habits after my difficulties over the holiday break), and half points on scripture study, 12 step study, daily check-ins, hard work, and working through my stresses in healthy ways. I've been doing ok, but I could definitely be more consistent and sincere. Still, even with half points on those, I'm definitely working and desiring recovery. And honestly, my lusting isn't where I want it to be (clearly in the "progressively better" camp), but compared to where I was a year ago, or even a number of months ago, I think I'm making progress over all. I'm avoiding entertainment I think might be problematic, talking with my wife, owning difficulties with my support guys, and avoiding the lustful double checks (or even the first check at times). Why isn't it consistent, though? Maybe because I still struggle to deal with my insecurities, fears, and stresses. 

On the withdrawal side, obviously the lust hits, as I've discussed. Mental fantasies, a desire for sex as an outlet (which I still partly count, even though my wife and I are in a pseudo-celibate place right now), and unmanaged anger at my wife and kids, though I also have done slightly better at working through that. I think my next post is going to be on a process me and my wife have developed for working through disagreements recently, even though it's still a work in progress. 

Anyways, it's good to self-evaluate. I desire to be rich--solidly in recovery rather than living from paycheck to paycheck. I want to have a 10-to-0 rating, and I'm going to start with the rest of today. 

Feel free to do a similar assessment! I'm curious to know how others do on this and if it's helpful for anyone else. 

Thanks,

R

Why All My New Year's Resolutions Failed

...And I could add a few more things than just new year's resolutions to the list: my daily to do lists, my weekly check lists, and goals in general. It seemed like I would start out with such fire--such a powerful righteous desire to be better. Then after a few months, weeks, or even days, I would find myself falling short, losing steam, giving up. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep that desire to be good? Weren't my goals worthy? Certainly God wanted me to overcome my addiction, or read scriptures, or exercise, or any number of other healthy things I was trying to do. Why wouldn't He help me?

I use the past tense, but I recognize I've still got a ways to go. Still, I feel like I've made two significant realizations that I'd like to share. 

The first realization is about my reasons for making the goals in the first place. I believe that trying to use “should haves ” and the guilt of unchecked boxes to force myself to be better is deeply misguided. I recognize it’s hard to separate my sense of self-worth from what I accomplish—I feel like if I can do X, Y, and Z then I’ll earn others’ respect, or God’s love, or at least escape the harsh, judgmental opinions I imagine others have of me. Instead, I’m convinced I have inherent worth and I need to change because I accept myself and want to be healthy; but to do that I need help—I need to view my goals as a sign of my desire for goodness and healthiness and an opportunity for God to help me identify what I need to surrender so He can change my nature.

Also, I wanted to be good, but I wanted to be good on my own terms. It's like taking my car to a fixit shop, asking them to change my windshield wipers because I'm having a hard time driving. They point out that all the wheels are completely flat, shredded, sending sparks everywhere. I tell them, "no, thanks. I just want to see clearly. Then I'll be able to drive without problems." God is a patient fixit man. He knows what I need, and He points me in the right direction, but He loves me enough to let me realize truth when I'm ready for it, even if it means I make things worse until I come to my senses. He knows that when I recognize that the tires are the real source of my problem, I'm going to be in a better position to turn to Him since He hasn't coerced me. 

The second realization is about what success is. My logic used to be, "I know that I am capable of doing X; therefore, that's my goal. Anything short of that is failure." For example I have a conviction that scripture reading is good, and that I am capable of reading for half an hour every day. Therefore, that was my goal, and I was a failure if I didn't do it. 

Now, however, my baseline for success has shifted. Now, I keep my eye on what I suspect my potential is, but I also recognize where I'm at right now. I ask myself, "without this goal, what would I have done?" Then, if I do more than that, I consider it a success. For example, say I have a goal to drink more water, but I forget all day except for a brief sip while passing a drinking fountain. Rather than viewing this as failing all day long except once, I choose to view it as taking one more sip of water than I otherwise would have, which I think is a success. Likewise, the single verse I read or the two sentences I write in my journal are things I wouldn’t have done otherwise, so they count towards healthiness, which is the whole goal. Looking at Jesus' injunction to "be ye perfect" or be "even as I am," yet to ignore that He "grew in grace," "line upon line" is to completely miss who He is and what His expectations for us are. 

A brief update, just cuz. About six months ago I gave my bishop my SA coins for 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 months of sobriety, which I told him I was working to re-collect from him. For a number of months I wasn't gaining much traction, but I've recently made some sacrifices (giving up unhealthy entertainment) and started doing healthy things (going to a counsellor, filling out daily accountability cards, calling a support guy everyish night). I am at three and a half months of not just sobriety, but actual recovery. Even my seven months of sobriety didn't feel like this. It's funny that things are going as well, maybe, as they've ever gone with my recovery, yet my experience in church, my diet, and my school habits aren't consistently positive. Still, that's a post for another time. 

The End

Daily Accountability in Card Format

I've recently started counseling again, this time with an LDS counselor who isn't associated with Family Services. It's been a really interesting experience. Here are a few quick things he's mentioned that really resonate with me (before I talk about the main thing I want to mention in this post):

• A lot of people start using pornography as a coping mechanism because 1) of something traumatic that happened or 2) because of under-developed attachment skills. I'm more the latter.
• There are understandable reasons behind using pornography/masturbation--it calms us down when we're stressed, it helps us numb and escape (momentarily at least), etc. We eventually conclude that the destructiveness that comes along with this behavior isn't worth these barbed benefits. But we're not crazy or inherently evil!
• When we've come to believe false core beliefs, we can either turn inward to use pornography to try to numb out the negative feelings, or we can turn outward to learn the truth about ourselves and face our life difficulties with help from those who identify with and support us. 

One more thing he's asked me to do is use the Cor-Cards from Lifestar. These are index-card-sized daily checklists of things we want to do to live more intentionally, shifting our thinking from our limbic pleasure center to our thinking brain--the cerebral cortex (hence the "Cor" card). I wasn't willing to do this...well, not in the exact way he recommended. I ended up customizing the daily checklist and making my own card. Here it is:

The "Wall Item" is a short way of saying something that I try to do or want to do that feels like I'm hitting my head against a wall. For example, I desperately need to get grading done, but I find myself procrastinating and doing other good things instead until I HAVE to get it done. Instead, I want to practice daily choosing one of these things that make me anxious and getting something accomplished with it.

The four-columned box near the top is from a conversation I had with my counselor. I realize that unhealthy behavior doesn't happen in isolation. The basic idea this column operates under is something happens (the "stressor"). In reaction, I feel certain emotions. So, sticking with the grading example, students turn in essays and in reaction I feel irrational fear, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, etc. The "underlying" column is the assumption that there's some cause for these feelings. Did I have a bad experience with grading and a student freaking out? Do I doubt my abilities because of some teacher? Do I have earlier memories where I came to think of myself as stupid and incapable of critiquing others? Finally, I come up with a game plan (the "solution") to keep these emotions from ruining my life and pushing me towards unhealthy coping mechanisms.

The three-columned "taking care of myself" box is pretty self-explanatory. The "emotionally" column might be for things that I need for myself, like expressing my first box to a support person, giving myself permission to take a break, writing in my journal, or healthy entertainment in limited quantities. As a side note, I've had some pretty good luck recently with the "physically" by playing racquetball with friends, and the "spiritually" by starting each morning with a general conference talk and other recovery reading.

The next two are an attempt to learn from my mistakes and successes each day. This is where course corrections and healthy habits can be identified and reinforced. The last two boxes are also pretty self-explanatory (Laura is my wife).

I'm not advocating this particular format, but I do think it's important to get in the habit of being daily accountable for our behavior. I love that this is something that's not directly related to pornography and addiction--it's the underlying lack of skills and healthy habits that lead to them.

A quick note in closing. On the back of the cards I have a logo and a box for a quote. Here's my quote for tomorrow: "No matter how you begin to obtain relief [from addiction] those solutions will never provide a complete answer. The final healing comes through faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and obedience to His commandments" Richard G. Scott. I recognize that these cards can't heal me--only One person can do that--but they can help me identify my faulty core beliefs, solidify my plans for healthy living, and practice long-term positive thinking.

Rewards and Personal Value

It's been quite a while since I've written. Well, it's been a while since I've posted; I have three unfinished post drafts waiting for me to find some way to complete them. If you're not interested in a quick rumination about why I (or anyone else who falls off their blog) haven't written, skip the following bullet points. Here are some theories about why it becomes hard to consistently keep up this blog:

• I have some pretty bad shame issues from not successfully maintaining my recovery. I just feel like a super bad hypocrite writing on here about recovery, when I'm obviously no expert. Still, I occasionally think back to things that I've written on here, and admit this blog is to help me. 
• I have developed other ways of thinking through ideas and keeping myself accountable. I've established a pretty solid support network of guys I reach out to regularly (nightly check-ins at this point), and I write in a physical journal about as often as I put entries on this blog.
• I've written about a lot of things and it's harder to come up with original ideas. And don't get me wrong, I know there are endless things to write about. I simply don't want to write about repetitive or uninteresting things. And I've lost the drive to dig to the level I used to.
• I've gotten out of the habit. Over the summer, especially, I was pressed to my limit schedule wise and internet-access wise. On the other hand, when students tell me "I was too busy to do my homework," I translate that to "I didn't want to do it as bad as I wanted to do other things."

 Ok.

I had this idea a while ago about how my addiction works, and I thought it would be helpful to share:

"Rewards for Good Behavior" Becomes "Rewards Mean I'm a Good Person"

I came from a home where food and entertainment were regularly linked to good behavior. "You did well on a test at school? Let's go get a milk shake!" or "We worked hard today, let's watch a movie tonight." After a while, it becomes a habit, then a crutch. I eventually shift from doing the good actions for itself (with the reward as support) to doing the action to get the reward. And, as an added bonus, I have the past positive reinforcement--years of "good job!"--that mentally become linked to pleasure rewards.

Jump ahead to the insecure teen years, when I begin doubting my self worth. Or maybe it's that I become lazy or prideful enough to think I can take a shortcut past good behavior straight to the sign of good behavior--the pleasure reward. It eventually becomes "well, if I can't feel successful in real life, at least I can feel successful by getting the reward of a good person." Of course the reward is now pornography and masturbation, and of course they make me feel even less valuable which makes me feel an even stronger desire to feel like a good person.

Even now that I realize this and other illogical thought patterns, I find this way of thinking creeping in. The other week as I was working to resist lusting while on campus, I found myself subconsciously thinking/feeling that I had done good work in resisting lust and I knew I am on the right track (and I wasn't getting any sexual fulfillment from my wife), so I deserve a reward...of course, a little lust stimulation. It doesn't get much more illogical and insane than that.

Good Behavior Should Be the Reward

Making good decisions shouldn't be clouded by pleasure rewards. My wife has stopped having sex with me just because I'm doing well in recovery, which is a good thing. I've stopped watching television and movies or playing video games because I've gotten good work done. I want to get to the point where I work honestly and diligently throughout the day, then when I come home tired and satisfied from the good work I've done, I help my wife with the laundry and dishes and play with my kids. When or if I get to the point where I can handle pleasurable entertainment or food regularly, I need to ask myself, "am I doing this to escape my worries or to reward myself? Or "am I doing this to connect with my family members and enjoy life from a healthy set of habits?"

What Recovery Isn't

I want a well-adjusted, addiction-free existence--aka I want to live in balanced, sustainable recovery.

But the more experience I have with recovery, the more I realize how little I understand it. I used to be convinced that the addiction was responsible for all the havoc in my life, affecting pretty much everything: marriage, parenting, work, school, church, shopping, sitting, etc. I took this a step further, though, and assumed that because my addiction affected everything, once I got rid of it I'd spring back to health in all these aspects of my life. Maybe it wasn't even a clear idea of what would happen, but a general conviction that my homework would get done easier, I would be able to parent my children better, and my life would be more peaceful. I've since come to realize that recovery (the glimpses I've experienced of it, anyways) isn't exactly what I thought it would be.

Recovery Isn't Constant Happiness

Recovery is not synonymous with happiness. There's no question that my last 58 weeks since I started working on recovery in earnest (of which I would consider about 50 solidly spent in recovery) have been more happy, peaceful, and productive than any similar stretch in memory. But that's on the whole--there are still moments when I'm bummed about X situation that's out of my control, or Y ability I think I should have, or Z relationship that I think should be healthier. Let's not blame recovery, though; not being happy all the time is a side effect of being alive. 

However, recovery does enable me to have a positive state of mind all the time. Rather than happiness, it's a clear conscience. I'm convinced feeling free of guilt can give a feeling of contentedness that approaches what I previously assumed would be a constant state of happiness.

Recovery Isn't Smooth

Recovery is bumpy. If recovery is a path, it's got elevation issues. Sometimes I reach a fork in the road and the one marked "recovery" is fairly smooth and slightly downhill. It's quite a surprise when I reach the same path the next week, only to discover it's uphill and rocky. Why is it easy to resist lusting sometimes, but not others? Why is it painful to reach out or talk with my wife sometimes?

I don't know. But I do know that recognizing recovery's fluctuating difficulty levels helps me to not be complacent when things are going easy and not to be overwhelmed when things are going poorly. When things get tough--like they've been the last few weeks--I just need to take it a day at a time and know it will get better.

Recovery Doesn't Automatically Erase Bad Habits

Recovery does not clear away the wreckage of my past--when I'm in recovery, I clear it away.  Part of the reason recovery is so hard to succeed at is because bad habits, which aren't necessarily addiction related, make it harder to succeed. For example, when I binge video games I get the feeling of self-medicating through a screen, which leads to switching to porn. When I avoid helping clean the house, I have a sudden impulse to escape into something unhealthy.

On the other hand, recovery makes it much easier to get rid of bad habits. I thought of an analogy that I really like, but decided I will make it its own post in a while. Starting a draft now to remind myself.

Recovery Doesn't Automatically Make Me a Cool Person

Similar to the previous point, recovery doesn't revolutionize who I am...or rather, it doesn't do it as quickly as I would have wanted/expected. There's something about the demands and challenges of maintaining recovery that necessarily changes my attitude and habits. But recovery (much less sobriety) does not equal toppling a wall of anti-sociability, laziness, and ineptitude. Through consistently making choices to reach out, work hard, and be proactive I eventually become who I want to be.


Let me end with a positive note about a few days ago. I was sleeping on the couch again (long story), and I was feeling particularly strong temptations. I knew trying to battle them through thoughts was a losing prospect--my wife was in our room with the lights off, and I didn't want to reach out to support people in the middle of the night. I got the idea to clean the kitchen, so I did. It was weird doing dishes in the middle of the night, but if that's what it takes--to battle temptations that are harder than normal with attempts to overcome bad habits and develop good ones--so be it. The happiness that comes from recovery is worth it.

"Recovering" Year One

About a week ago I was going through some old blog posts that I hadn’t looked at in quite a while, when I realized that it was one year ago I started this blog. Some of the posts I looked at had things I had forgotten, and I realized I wanted to do something special to both recognize the occasion and make the first year more accessible. As a mental exercise I also wanted to see if I could boil the main ideas down to the bare essentials.

So without further ado, here are brief summaries of the 44 posts I’ve done over the last 365 days. Or, in other words, here are 1,689 words to describe the 45,041 words in all these posts. And, as a bonus, I also include a timeline of my recovery for the past year, complete with analysis.

Three Insights, Two Analogies, One Drawing

I share a hodgepodge of insights (about myself as a child, my emotions, and my impatience) analogies (sexual feelings as a locked door and the effect of addiction on our perspective) and an image that represents the analogies. I realize now that I completely repeated myself from two posts ago.

Sex Ceases to be a Demon Only When it Ceases to be a God

I review my recent progress in establishing a safe environment with my wife, especially as it relates to forming healthy attitudes and habits towards sex.

An Emotional Post (Not Really)

I assess my feelings towards my feelings. I conclude I have emotional needs, even if I’m in the habit of burying them to avoid drama, awkwardness, and embarrassment.

Book Review: We Will End the Conflict Now

I review the book entitled We Will End the Conflict Now: Victory Over Pornography From the Perspective of a Recovered Addict and His Wife. I criticize the definitiveness with which they talk about addiction even as I recognize that their book has very helpful perspectives, tools, and insights. Overall, I recommend it.

On Counseling

I share personal advice about counseling I wish I would have received before I started it the first time, including “Work to find the right counselor,” “prepare before starting,” and “don’t think of it as a silver bullet.”

Good in Parts

I borrow (steal) the idea of “seeing ourselves in parts” from my counselor to complicate the Cherokee parable of feeding two wolves in ourselves. I also break down how all or nothing thinking robs me of significant progress in scripture study and conference review; math is involved.

Is Pornography Addiction a Disease?

While I ultimately conclude that addiction is a disease that addicts (wittingly or not) made ourselves susceptible to and resist treatment for, I also acknowledge there are hazards in thinking of it in this way and that recovery is possible.

Three Pillars of Recovery

I analyze my recent efforts to strengthen myself after a relapse by theorizing about three legs of a recovery stool: accountability, motivation, and safeguards.

A Stellar Analogy

I reveal my inner astronomy nerd by sharing an analogy comparing a supergiant star’s gradual fuel corruption and collapse into a black hole or supernova with the human tendency to rely on less efficient fuel (daily actions and habits) until we explode or collapse spiritually.

(Re)Lapse in Judgement

I confess a full relapse after comparing my gradual decline to (SA buddy) Kyle’s. I also brainstorm and commit to actions that will help me return to a healthier place in my recovery, including improved safety network, in-marriage celibacy, and counseling.

Our Recovery Account

I compare recovery to a bank account, with recovery actions as deposits and addiction actions as withdrawals. I make a chart with seven specific deposit and withdrawal actions.

The Addict's Reality Distortion Field

I claim that it’s mainly a desire to maintain (unrealistic) optimism that leads addicts to perform mental contortionism (aka lying to ourselves and others) and ignore the reality of their actions. I call this the reality distortion field.

Conditional Hobbies

I apply Pavlov’s theory of classical conditioning to pornography addiction to argue that many hobbies we defend as healthy and necessary are actually adding to our struggle to recover and need to be abandoned until we break the conditioning.

Disturbance

I draw on a quote from my sponsor—“we become disturbed to the degree that we’re broken”—to explore how my frustration with life is actually a symptom of my brokenness.

Failure is an Event, Not a Person

I share an epiphany I had at my first ARP meeting in five months (doing SA meetings in the meanwhile)—that I have actually made progress, and that my failures don’t define me or my actual progress.

What is Sobriety?

I question common understandings of sobriety. I argue that it’s not masturbating to orgasm, but maintaining victory over lust, facing our weaknesses, and being true to ourselves.

Making my Desires into my Allies

After quoting Neil A. Maxwell about “educating and training our desires,” I apply the principle to addiction recovery, especially as it relates to hobbies that aren’t conducive to recovery.

Coming Back to Life

I recount a meeting with my sponsor and his success as a professional singer after his sustained recovery. I then trace my own failed desires to become an artist and writer in hope that recovery will bring these healthy creative desires back to life. Illustrations included.

Comments on Comments

I propose that comments on blogs function as an act of faith and service, an investment in a community (similar to an allegory about heaven and hell by Rabbi Haim of Romshishok), and an act of critical analysis that improve our understanding. I include a chart of the types of comments and their potential challenges and drawings to explain the allegory.

Only Eating "Glutton-Free" Food: Addiction as an Allergy

I compare addictions (like gluttony) to allergies (like gluten-intolerance). I claim that we have just as much control over how addictions affect us as someone with an allergy does over how it affects them. Drawing of “Glutton-Free Bread” included.

Seven Reasons Why Sexaholics Anonymous Rocks

Cuz it totally does.

Under Construction

I borrow (steal) an analogy from my wife about where we are in our recovery—moving on from crappy rundown apartments to our own house…though it’s under construction and still can’t provide shelter.

Haunted by Milkshakes

Silliness ensues artistically after a funny phrase on a fellow blogger’s post. I still love milkshakes.

If You're Happy and You Know It...

An attempt to manipulate my kids goes awry, leading to this post questioning what makes us happy. I maintain that self-awareness and remembering how we react is key.

Souvenir Comic

A comic based off my last post visualizes how we have baggage that we carry with us that will ultimately keep us out of heaven.

Not Keeping Souvenirs

After quoting C.S. Lewis—“if we insist on keeping Hell (or even Earth) we shall not see heaven…”—I explore ways in which I try keeping earthly souvenirs while striving to be heaven-worthy.

Pornography's Sales Pitch (Part One) and (Part Two)

In an effort to understand why otherwise obedient, good people become addicted to pornography, I compare it to a sales pitch, where Satan promises complete control over how you feel, complete safety from emotional pain, and the whole package is available for free. I challenge each of these claims, complete with a devil advertisement, a reference to the APA ruling that sex addiction isn’t a thing, and a video for recovering addict Mark.

Insanity and Making Calls

I relate lust addiction to Albert Einstein’s definition of addiction—“doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” I then talk about how making telephone calls to support people helps me escape the insanity loop.

"A Heavy Price" to become "Whiter than Snow"

I investigate how the story of David in the Old Testament is applicable to addicts, drawing on the SA white book, personal application, and the Bible Dictionary. Insult of Song of Solomon included.

The Addict's Round Table

Another silly visualization based off a funny phrase in a fellow blogger’s post.

Update Post: My Fears and Faith

I analyze my fears—that my recovery program isn’t good enough to sustain recovery, that the pain of withdrawals isn’t going to go away, and that my marriage won’t recover—and my faith (pretty much the opposite). I update my self-boundaries.

City Walls vs Lines in the Sand

I share one of my favorite scriptures—“he that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down and without walls”—and explore how my recovery attempts have shifted from the equivalent of drawing lines in the sand to actually making walls. I set my self-boundaries. Funny drawing included (colored by my son).

I'm Sick...

After an actual illness of the body that I was able to function through, I compare the experience to addiction and comment on the dramatic demands of the body.

Intimacy (Part One) and (Part Two)

After differentiating between “intimacy” and “sex,” these posts explore how addicts lack, but desperately need, the ability to connect emotionally, spiritually, and physically in non-sexual ways. Cool picture.

Opportunity Costs, Addiction, and Picking Up Pennies

I rebut those who claim that “porn doesn’t hurt anybody” by comparing it to passing up a full time job to pick up change out of the gutter full time. I talk about financial, family, and skill capital that has been negatively influenced. Picture.

No Guilt-Free Onions (Part One) and (Part Two)

I share three well-meaning quotes about why wives should be having more sex with their husbands, then attempt to refute their logic—especially as it relates to addict-affected relationships. In part two I include a further claim that lack of sex is harmful; I analyze what kind of harm might come from no sexual relations. I’m still not convinced my title makes much sense, but illustrations included.

Juggling Surgical Equipment

I review my first month of recovery, including communication with my wife, motivation, and help from others. Analogies to juggling and self-surgery combined. Fortunately, no illustrations included.

Why "Recovering Myself"?

This is where I explain the title of my blog, especially as it differs from the previous incarnation which focused on video game addiction. Recovering as in “healing,” “to regain something that has been lost,” and “to cover again.” Pictures and illustrations included.

What is a Pervert?

I complicate the word and concept “pervert,” including statistics about how common pornography use is and a word root analysis arguing that “pervert”—literally “twisted all the way through”—isn’t completely accurate.

Putting Lust in a Half-Nelson

This is where I describe the origin of my pseudo-image, Robert, the Hai Karate girl resister. A classy vintage cologne ad shared and analyzed.

My Origin Story

I share the origin of my lust addiction in this inverted super-hero-gains-super-powers story. I conclude that not only did I not get super powers, but in some ways I sold my birthright for a bowl of poison porridge.

Analysis:
When I visualize my last year of recovery in this way, it's pretty dramatic the support I had before the move in August versus the lack of support afterwards. Some of the most helpful recovery practices disappeared without immediate replacements. I was thinking of making a line of where I was in my recovery, but I think it's pretty clear what it would look like: sloping up until the move, then turning steeply downhill until relapse and finding new supports, then slowly going back up again.

Another thing I realized was how my illustrated posts disappeared right around the time I moved. I suspect that for some reason my motivation towards art is partially a sign of how well my recovery is going, though it might just be my imagination.

Here's to another 365 days of recovery!