Pornography's Sales Pitch (Part One)

I once heard someone claim that he knew someone "as well as he knew himself." I get what he was saying, but, for me, that seems like a poor benchmark. There are times where I feel like I don't really understand myself. For example, I teach for a living. I'm daily in front of dozens of people who have their entire attention on me. I TRY to keep their attention. Yet on the other hand, there are times when I am intimidated by calling someone I don't know or ordering at a drive-through. That doesn't make much sense to me (though me acting irrationally is basically the story of this blog).

I've overcome a lot of shy tendencies, but in hindsight I realize pornography and my shyness have a complicated connection. Why would a shy, anxious teenager do something that was so opposed to everything taught by family, society, and religion? People warned me, in words almost as clear and powerful as warnings not to jump off a cliff, not to go anywhere near pornography. I would never jump off a cliff, so why did I jump headlong into a pornography addiction? In recovery I've come to see a relatively unprotected part of my defenses that satan could attack. Or, to switch analogies from city walls to marketing, he understood exactly how to hawk his goods in a way that was almost irresistible to an insecure, prideful kid.

Here's the sales pitch: this product will give you full control over when and how you feel socially fulfilled, and there's complete safety from the emotional pain caused in human-to-human relationships--and the best part is it's free.

Sounds pretty good, right?

The Lie of Complete Control

Everyone hungers for satisfying social connections. But, especially to an awkward teenager, the goal of feeling respected, appreciated, and liked seems a long way off. Some of us by nature obsess about what people think about us--did I say something stupid? Am I wearing something ugly? Did I do that wrong? When the answer to any of those questions is yes, we jump to label ourselves: "I'm not good enough," "I must be stupid," etc. We feel like there must be something wrong with us.

Luckily, satan has a surefire solution. He says, "why rely on others? Other people aren't in the right place at the right time. They don't understand you. You can satisfy your own needs!" Whenever we feel inadequate, emotionally disconnected, or sexually unfulfilled, satan would have us believe that we can turn to pornography and it will solve our problems. Put another way, there's a story of the priest who asks the teenager if he has a problem with pornography and masturbation, to which the teen replies, "Nope, no problem--it works every time." Satan wants us to believe it works every time. It seems like the perfect, most convenient solution.

The only problem is that it's a lie. At first it seems like your problems disappear whenever you want them to. Eventually you realize porn only provides an emotional smokescreen to cover up the problems. All the while, satan keeps you believing you're in control: first he alternates between telling you that you have stopped (when you've recommitted to being good after acting out), or that you could stop whenever you wanted (when you're about to act out). After a while it becomes clear that neither of those are true, but by then you're hooked. Pornography cannot be controlled and used--it is the one that does the controlling and using.

This sense of false control is like some remote control cars and a race track my wife and I got for our kids a few years ago. We discovered that the remote control cars they got for Christmas fit perfectly on a two-car, figure-eight race track we already had. What could go wrong? It sounds like complete control--a track to keep the cars in and simpler controls (since they only had to worry about forward or backwards). The only problem was that both remotes were tuned to the same frequency. So at first it just seemed like both kids just held the buttons down all the time, doing non-stop figure eights. It took us a while to realize, but eventually it became clear that even if someone let their button go, their car wouldn't stop. The safety and control of the race track came at the cost of freedom to go wherever they wanted, and it turned out they couldn't control when they stopped after all.

Satan wants us to believe pornography solves our insecurities...or at the very least meets the same needs in an easier, more convenient way. Years after we buy this product, though, we realize our self-esteem is crumbling faster because of the addiction, our relationships are hollowed by our secrecy and shame, and our desperate attempts to "let go of the button" and stop our car only lead to it going faster and faster on an endless track to nowhere.

Part two, including "the lie of absolute safety" and "the lie of no cost," coming up.

City Walls vs Lines in the Sand

One of my favorite scriptures from the Old Testament is Proverbs 25: 28--"he that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls." We're living in a time where there are no walls around cities, and probably for good reason--there are no wandering hordes of mud-smeared marauders waiting to take over malls and town halls. However, in a figurative sense, we are surrounded by morally-smeared marauders, and our culture doesn't believe much in walls of self-control. Our opponent--pornography, in all its forms--is abetted by a majority of Americans, and can sneak into our houses through the thickest walls (assuming you have a good wifi signal).

How can we defend ourselves? We need walls, but the kind that will filter out moral bandits that can go through the hardest metals. There's only one filter that works: "the only [filter] that will ultimately work, is the personal internal filter that comes from a deep and abiding testimony of our Heavenly Father’s love and our Savior’s atoning sacrifice for each one of us" (Sister Reeves). Look closely...that's not "internet filter," that's "internal filter."

But what does this "personal internal filter" actually look like? Since I'm a bit of an expert on this (having stopped looking at pornography at least once a week for around 17 years :), let me share one thing that never works: the line in the sand.

If I've relapsed or gotten in a relapse mindset, no amount of words on a page, commitments I've made to myself, or New Year's Resolutions will make me change anything I do. In the past I certainly have set lines in the sand for myself, then when I got to the edge of the line I'd look around, erase the line, draw a new one a few steps away, and say, "nobody saw that, right? This is where the new line is. I mean, this is where the line was all along. Yeah? yeah." I lied to myself so much that I actually believed I was  trying to overcome my addiction, always secretly setting myself up for failure. Rather than building an actual wall, I would content myself with an imaginary, easily movable line. If your protection doesn't involve someone else, or if it doesn't strive to change the behavior (rather than manage, control, or adjust it), it is most likely a line in the sand. 

(coloration by my son, by the way)

So what do "walls" look like in real life? I've noticed that a lot of the blogs of addict's loved ones have a section or a post about boundaries. The word "boundary" may sound like a flimsy, contrived line, but the more I see of these kinds of posts, the more I think they're the kind of wall I'm talking about. I think setting boundaries is a great idea in a relationship, but I got thinking--could they work for an addict?

Boundaries are about rights and safety. They acknowledge the way things should be, and set solid, realistic, impersonal repercussions for specific failures. It's inherently different, though, to set repercussions based off your own behavior, rather than someone else's. Let me enter devil's advocate mode to address why boundaries made by addicts might not work for themselves:

• Setting boundaries for yourself is like hiring a guard that has a track record of letting in thieves. I agree, though the difference is the timing and the back-up support. The kinds of boundaries I set below are for much earlier in my addiction cycle than anything I've tried in the past. I'm not trying to force myself not to relapse...I'm setting goals and consequences, from a place of strength, that use other travelers to help get me back on the road to recovery when I start to wander near the edge. 
• How can you trust yourself to follow through? I know there are times when I can't trust myself to make the right decision. When I feel myself going down that side-path to nowhere I know I need to stop moving until I get help and find my bearings. When I realize I'm not moving in the right direction, I (believe I) still have enough control to respond by putting more distance between me and the problem action. I view this like the "Panic! Disable Internet Access..." feature for Covenant Eyes (which, when clicked on, will disconnect your computer from the internet for 20 or so minutes). The only difference is that this is for my life. After I've stopped and/or reached out, I'm confident Heavenly Father will help me start moving in the right direction again.
• Are these universal truths you're tapping into, or are they just for you? These boundaries are very personalized--they're based on my understanding of what I need to be safe, and on what works well for me. For example, I have a few "no entertainment for a week" repercussions, which might sound unrealistic to some people. I know it's important to find ways to relax...I'm just becoming more and more convinced that relaxing in front of some kind of screen isn't a good idea for me. I spent the first month after confessing to my wife again completely without screen time (besides weekly movie night). And far from having a mental breakdown with no relaxation outlet, it was a great and challenging experience.
• Is creating boundaries for yourself a sign that you're forming multiple personalities? I think everyone has opposing sides within their natures. Everyone is a roiling storm of self-destructive tendencies and godly attributes. I think it's a good idea to have a healthy dose of mistrust for yourself. Some people can be trusted to control themselves automatically; I've given up that ability in this area of my life. 

Anyways, here goes:

Boundary #1: I will not watch/play any form of entertainment that is *unacceptably triggering. If I feel that part of my desire to watch/play something is to be sexually stimulated, I will cut myself off from all entertainment for at least a week to give myself time to gain a clearer perspective of my motives and self-control.

*I will define "unacceptably triggering" as anything that would make me feel shame watching with my wife. For example, the other night we were watching a Disney movie. Safe, right? Well, watch Aladdin and you'll see bare midriffs all over the place, the genie summoning sultry dancers, etc. I was embarrassed in places, but not really triggered and shamed. If I had been, I would probably need a break from entertainment to assess my recovery/entertainment criteria.

Boundary #2: I will not watch/play any form of entertainment for so long that I feel guilty. Right now (4/18/14), that means no solo time--only family movie night, an hour of video games on Saturday with the boys, and whatever game or show my wife wants to watch after the kids are down. If I watch/play long enough that I feel guilt or an unreasonable desire to keep playing/watching, I will cut myself off from all entertainment for at least a week to give myself time to gain a better understanding of my motives and self-control.

Boundary #3: I will not work in a public place that has proven itself to be *triggering and high traffic. If I find myself choosing my work location in a building based on inappropriate desires, I will not return to that building to study/do work for a month. Instead, I will travel further away and find a safer place.

*(More context: I need to grade papers, but I don't have an office. I usually stay in a public place on campus or the library to do work, but some places have higher concentrations of triggering individuals than others. AKA, an enclosed work desk in an empty hallway vs a open study area with a dozen couches and 20 tables.

Boundary #4: I will not *work on recovery material or read recovery blogs for so long that I feel guilty. If I know I should be using my time differently and am unable to, I will text or call my wife, my brother, or someone in my recovery group that I can talk about it with. 

*(More context: this one is tricky because working on recovery stuff has replaced mindlessly wandering the internet, which is infinitely more triggering. I don't want to simply stop recovery stuff because I know that would create a vacuum that something less helpful will fill. And I figure if I'm using working on recovery as a time-waster, I'm doing something right. :)

Boundary #5: I will monitor my eyes and thoughts while around people in public, and I will achieve progressive victory over lust. If I fail to monitor and control my eyes/thoughts--to the degree that my conscience tells me is "progressive"--I will discuss the specific instance with my wife during our nightly check-in. No compensating behavior afterwards can change the need to discuss it.

Boundary #6: I will not initiate physical intimacy with my wife without her feeling safe and affectionate. For now (4/18/14), this means nothing even close to sexual...only signs of affection like a brief hug and an arm/shoulder pat. If I find myself wanting to initiate intimacy without her permission, I'll bring it up in our nightly check-in so we can discuss our feelings. 

Boundary #7: I will attend as many recovery meetings as it takes to feel actively in recovery the whole week long. What this looks like now (4/18/14) is the Tuesday night ARP meeting, the Wednesday night SA meeting, and the Saturday morning SA meeting. If I find myself debating whether or not to attend a meeting, I will call my wife, brother, or someone in my recovery group to ask their opinion. 


I reserve the right to tweak this list. I hope what that means is that I'll be able to drop ones that aren't needed (#3, for example), and loosen up the temporary boundaries in 2, 6, and 7. I'm willing to tighten, add to, or revise these so they're more conducive to recovery. We'll see.

Is this a wall that won't let marauders through? I don't know, but I believe in Heavenly Fathers love for me and the Saviors ability to take this addiction and turn it into a strength, if I let him. I want to rule my own spirit, and I'm willing to forego my usual habits and turn to those around me to help me along the way.

I'm Sick...

...and I don't mean that just in a figurative sense; I mean it in a splitting-headache, ripped-up-throat, achey-weakness physical illness type of way. [Here's where a few paragraphs of whining about the discomfort of being sick got edited out, just so you know. :)  ]

Being unpleasantly ill has been a blessing. Well, more of a blessing than I would have thought, at least. It's taught me about myself, including, as always, a few tie-ins with addiction (itself a moral/mental illness) that I'd like to share.

One of the main thoughts I've kept having is just how separate the spirit and the body are. I've been fulfilling my various responsibilities while feeling like gutter sludge; part of me has wondered "why aren't people treating me differently? I feel terrible!" We were discussing ideas, and I was giving feedback just like normal. Besides the slight muddling of my thoughts due to the illness, it was an awesome experience. That's not what my body was telling me, though. I caught a glimpse of just how dramatic my body is sometimes. It yells at me, "I'm dying!" or "I won't last another minute!" or "You better cancel your appointments, cause I'm literally about to die." But like a lot of people, my body doesn't know how to use the word "literally" correctly. I've heard these same exclamations in relation to lust addiction. "I'm in pain! I will always be in this exact amount of pain for forever unless you heal me by looking at that immodest girl!" But my spirit is separate and in charge. I don't have to listen.

After not listening to that drama, I've seen how focusing on other people lessens my own pain. Would I have gotten better sooner if I had cancelled my responsibilities? Possibly. But as I've sacrificed the rest and comfort I could have had to do what I need to do, I've felt refreshed. There have been a number of experiences that I wouldn't exchange for a tall, icy glass of apple juice or a comfortable bed with no kids around. I was tempted to focus on myself and my needs, but it turns out that me and my needs aren't as important as I thought they were. When I find my world revolving around me and my lust temptations, I need to tell myself, "do the smart thing, then get over yourself and go focus on someone else's needs."

For example, yesterday afternoon (after eight-ish hours at work) when I got home I took some pills, talked with my family, then went to bed for a nap. Luckily, my wife had had a great day and was perfectly willing to let me take an extended nap. I slept restlessly for a bit. I'm not sure why, but as I was lying in bed I had a change of heart. Maybe it was the ideas I'm writing here, maybe it was a gift from God, or maybe it was something else, but I got up and started helping around the house. Cleaning, laundry, reading books to the kids, etc. My wife was confused at first, asking me what I was doing up from my nap. I wasn't really feeling better, but it felt great to have a perfectly reasonable excuse to be selfish, but being helpful and good anyways. (And eventually I did feel better physically.)

I'm an addict. I have an illness in my mind. I've come to accept this as a fact; however, I have the power to choose how it affects me. I can listen to my dramatic body and use my addiction as an excuse to keep acting out...OR I can disbelieve what my body's telling me, get outside myself to help others, and do what's right. 

The big difference between physical and moral illness is that while my body will get well on it's own, the only way my spirit is going to heal is by not listening to the demands of the body. Put another way, I can choose to be an agent and take my action into my own hands. Or I can choose to be acted upon by my self-inflicted illness. And "acting out" may sound like it's an active thing, but I know that it's actually "being acted upon." 

Intimacy (Part Two)

In my first post, Intimacy (Part One), I talked about how intimacy with other people is so much more than the physical. I originally thought I was going to have even parts emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy, but I've discovered that I have more to say about emotional. I talked about how activities together and discussing them can establish emotional intimacy, but I thought of two more ways. Here goes:

Emotional Intimacy (continued)

A few days ago I met with a student who had to drop my class because of a new job. She complimented me on my teaching, expressed how she had learned helpful things in my class, and shook my hand. I thanked her for the work she had done, and I wished her luck in the future. It was a sincere exchange, and I believe we were both touched. One of the big reasons we connected (appropriately) was because during her time in class I learned about her past--for a reflective essay she opened up in an incredible essay about her experience in prison. One of the key points of establishing emotional intimacy is to share personal histories. We are who we are, but to a degree we also are where we've been and what we've done. Discussing our history is discussing why we are who we are.

Another aspect of emotional intimacy is learning the intricacies of the other person's personality. I first met my wife on a blind date picnic type of thing (I'll tell the whole story sometime because it's awesome). We were talking about various things--we both served missions, we are both from fairly large families, etc. I had brought four of those store-bought sugary cupcakes that have a huge dollop of unnaturally-colored icing on top. At one point when we were talking, she grabbed a cupcake and scraped off the icing before she started eating it. I actually followed her example, since the icing was too much. Anyway, I learned that she was the kind of girl who was confident enough to stand up for what she wanted. She didn't want to eat that icing, so she didn't. It's not the health-consciousness that I valued, but the courage and show of confidence in me that I wouldn't be offended.

Spiritual Intimacy

This is one aspect of intimacy that I haven't thought a lot about. Partly because of the guilt of unworthiness during potential spiritual connections I could have had with my wife. For example, attending the temple can be such a sweet experience, but when I was acting out I fought my wife about going and passive aggressively dragged my feet the whole way. It's unbelievable, though, how we can attend church together, even making comments while sitting next to each other, share thoughts about meetings, and generally share the same views but STILL not be completely spiritually intimate.  Perhaps it partly was due to my wife sensing my unwillingness and not feeling comfortable opening up. I'm going to have to think some more about this, but let me share one story about scripture study and the potential source of the lack of spiritual intimacy in my marriage.

When my wife and I were first married she was in the habit of reading her scriptures for a few minutes at night, and I started working on a giant scripture study project--reading the standard works in a year. I had mapped out how many pages I had to read every day and had an elaborate marking system. Sadly, our scripture study didn't have as helpful of an influence on our marriage as I would have hoped. On top of suspecting that my project was somewhat superficial, my wife also felt intimidated by it...and that somehow her nightly reading wasn't good enough. I felt the other side of it, pridefully wondering why she didn't do more and create some multi-month project to work on. We let pride--through overconfidence and poor self-esteem--keep us from connecting in our scripture study.

Physical Intimacy

I promise this isn't going to be about sex. In fact, this is probably closer to my two-part post (one here and two here) on why avoiding sex for a while can be a good thing in a marriage affected by lust addiction. Since we've made this commitment, I've noticed a few things about how dysfunctional our marriage was when it came to physical intimacy. I always thought (even as recently as a few posts ago) that the main problem in this area of our marriage was our mismatched libidos. I'm no longer convinced that's the case. I thought, if she had a higher libido, she'd initiate physical contact more and we'd feel more intimate. As a result of these kinds of thoughts, I'd think, well, if she's not going to  initiate, I'M going to have to to make sure my needs [wants? demands?] get met. 

I'm now starting to get a different picture of what's going on. The second thought above is essentially saying, "I don't trust my wife." It's hi-jacking our physical intimacy because I don't think it'll get to it's destination by itself or through any other means. This doesn't have to do with libido as much as it has to do with broken trust. This is a stark contrast to our pre-marriage relationship. When we first started dating, my wife was the one pursuing physical contact. She was the one who made sure we had a hug after our third date. She also expressed a desire to hold hands before I made the move, though she was nice enough to let me lead the way. And I guess that's my point. She sensed I was uncomfortable, so she let me take the lead. I've made my wife very uncomfortable through the repercussions of my addiction, yet I've selfishly ignored that and still taken the lead.

I've now committed to not initiating any physical contact between me and my wife. I won't even give her a hug without her first initiating it. It's been depressing in one way--each time I would have touched her arm or given her a big hug I feel bad. Both because I don't think it was entirely selfish (I did express my love partly through those kinds of acts), but because I see how often I took over. It's also been amazing to see how much better the physical intimacy is in our marriage. She's still learning how to take the lead, but at least she knows that she's in control...that if she doesn't want to be physically intimate, she doesn't have to. This is beginning to reestablish another aspect of an intimate relationship between us.

Here's an intimacy questionnaire based on the points I've made in both parts of these posts. I've phrased this in "you" format, but I'm actually just basing these based on my own limited knowledge with a desire to make myself feel proud (or guilty) about my effort (or my lack of efforts).

1. When in the past week did you create opportunities to experience new things with your spouse? 
2. (How much) did you discuss your thoughts and opinions about these experiences afterwards?
3. How many conversations in the past week have you asked questions about your spouse's past?
4. Have to taken time this week to make note of your spouse's preferences? Habits? World-view?
5. How often have you shared thoughts about things of a spiritual nature in the last seven days? 
6. This week, did whoever initiated physical intimacy more do so from a place of safety/trust?

In Hebrew, there's a word that really gets at the heart of intimacy: "to cleave." We usually think of "cleave" as meaning to cut something in two, as with a "cleaver." Something that is whole and one is afterwards two separate things. In Hebrew, this word means this as well as the exact opposite. So when the Lord commands man to "cleave" unto his wife, he means that their two lives need to be united...as if they were one thing. This is not just like with glue or tying with a rope--this is a uniting on a deep, inward level. Ironically, Satan also wants us to cleave with our wife, although he means the opposite. He wants to sever any connection we have. Part of the reason lust addiction makes him smile is because it's a giant wedge between husband and wife. Overcoming lust addiction is removing the wedge, but in order to follow God's meaning of the word, we need to become intimate with each other, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. 

Opportunity Costs, Addiction, and Picking Up Pennies

There's a point at which someone is making so much money that it becomes not worth it for them to bend over to pick up a 5 dollar bill. The second or two it takes to bend over, for some people, wouldn't even be worth picking up a 20 dollar bill. Most of us aren't at this point--I almost guarantee that anyone reading this would pick up a 20 or even a 1 dollar bill (assuming it's not nasty, of course). But would you pick up a quarter? A dime? A penny? What would you say if I told you I passed up a job making 20 dollars an hour so I could pick up 2-dollars-an-hour worth of pennies out of a gutter? You wouldn't believe me because nobody would do that. However, what are the opportunity costs of lust addiction? What things of value do we addicts pass up because we're busy picking up nasty pennies?

The reason for this post is because I found out a few days ago that I most likely won't have a job this summer. Let me acknowledge that this is only temporary unemployment, and there's a slight chance it may not even happen; still, ever since I found out I've been filled with dread, lack of hope, and self-loathing. I feel like I've been coasting in my occupational pursuits, partly due to lust addiction and the insecurities, poor time management, and skewed perceptions that come along with it. I have the feeling that there are so many more opportunities I'd have if I had lived my life more fully. Here are some areas of my life I feel I've passed up "capital" in my pursuit of "that which has no worth."

Family Capital

There are two ways in which my lust addiction has resulted in decreased relationships with my wife and sons. Firstly, it's taken time. There may not have been huge porn binges where I was gone for days at a time, but an hour extra at work here, an hour less of sleep there, etc. ate into the time I had available to spend with my family. The second way was in my own attitudes. When I was younger I always considered myself to be an extremely mild, patient person. When I'm acting out, though, it's like I'm a different person. I'm irritable, selfish with my time, and unwilling to make connections. It's impossible to put a number on the opportunity costs I've passed up, but when I think of the books I didn't read with my kids, the projects I didn't do with my wife, the outings we never went on, the discussions we never had, it makes me more than a little disgusted with myself.

Work Capital

Similar to family, my lust addiction affected my work in time and in quality of work. It's hard to admit this, since I have prided myself on being honest with my employers. I remember receiving public accolades and a reward in one job because I was the only one out of a dozen workers to clock out instead of wasting time while getting paid for it. Still, I haven't been the best employee I could have been because I've been cutting corners in selfish pursuits (all of which are connected to lust addiction). While I wouldn't often spend hours looking at porn, I would often act out, then try to drown my guilt in hours of browsing the internet or playing video games. Then I'd be pressed for time and need to spend more hours at work to finish things I didn't do because I'd procrastinated. It's hurt my employer, my students, and my feelings for this occupation.

Skill Capital

I've gained various skills over the years. I've spent many hours learning video editing tools and making family montages. I tried learning Spanish by reading grammar books and Harry Potter en Espanol. I've learned to bind my own books, garden, etc. However, there are so many of these that I only did half-heartedly, and countless others that I didn't even start because I "didn't have the time." How many more skills would I have gained that could provide employment opportunities right now if I hadn't spent so much time acting out and burying my guilt in pointless activities? Could I play all the hymns on the piano, like I've always wanted to? Would I be fluent in Spanish? Would I have created artwork, computer programs, learned software, and made creative combinations of all of them? I'll never know, but I suspect that the answer to many of those questions is "yes."


Ironically, instead of writing this post I could be doing something more productive for my family, work, or personal development. I know there's an endless amount of things anyone can fill their time with, but at some point I can't just use that as an excuse. I need to realize that the opportunities I pass up--those that are completely within my grasp--are far more valuable than what I choose in exchange. I need to start earning things of actual value rather than wasting my time picking up dirty pennies.

Intimacy (Part One)

Disclaimer: Because, as I'll establish, I'm no intimacy guru, the purpose of this post is for me to learn rather than impart knowledge. I've recently come upon these ideas, and I want to explore them more in depth.


"Intimacy" to some people is synonymous with "sex." A few months ago I probably wouldn't have been able to say much more about intimacy than that. Still, I've become convinced that there's much more than a single act to creating a healthy, intimate relationship--especially with a spouse. Even when it comes to physical intimacy with a spouse, there's much more to building a strong relationship than just "doing the wild thing." In fact, I believe that understanding the principles of intimacy, whether or not you call them that, is essential to healing a marriage affected by sexual addiction.

The word "intimate" comes from the Latin for "very close friend."  It has no sexual connotation and indicates friendship reaching to the innermost, deepest parts of each individual. You might think that sex addicts are experts at being intimate, but, ironically, an acting sex addict is incapable of being truly intimate with anyone. One reason might be because as addicts we are ashamed of our innermost selves--opening up fills us with terror and thoughts like "she could never love me if she knew what I am." So we disconnect from people--emotionally and physically. Another reason might be because lust addiction creates a false sense of control and safety. Creating actual intimacy requires shared vulnerability, so addiction lures with the promise that we can control when and how we feel pleasure, with no danger of being hurt by any living breathing human. It's all a lie, though, because not only are we not in control, but the lust--the thing promising control and safety--is slowly poisoning us, hurting us more than failed intimacy ever could (there's a full post on this idea coming up).

There is another word that is spelled the same as "intimate," though it's a verb who's third syllable is stressed (to "in-ti-MATE"). It means "to indicate or make known indirectly." It could be used in the sentence, "spouses who don't communicate well will try to intimate their desire to be sexually intimate through lame, half-spoken requests ending in 'you know'--e.g.: 'could we...you know...?' or 'I kind of thought we could...you know...?'" Using the verb is NOT how to build an intimate marriage! There is nothing inferred or indirect about the kind of intimacy that I'm talking about. Intimacy is intentional; it demands our deepest, innermost selves. Intimacy requires vulnerability and trust. It doesn't just happen. It's established through the conscious building of emotional, spiritual, and physical connections.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is more than just shared experiences or talking together. In my experience, it's most often a blend of the two. While sitting down next to each other and watching a movie/tv show together isn't meaningless, if it doesn't lead to a discussion (about how the movie/show was made, reactions and thoughts about it, analyses of the choices the characters made, or something else), it hasn't helped build intimacy. Some times after a movie it feels like the only shared experience was to get our brains dulled next to each other.

I've had relationships that are mostly based on watching movies and/or playing games together. I "hanged out" in this way with people for years, but by minimizing our discussions of hopes and fears for the future, present thoughts and plans, and past trauma and successes, our relationship was much more shallow than it could have been. Put another way, (this is from the movie Fireproof, based on ideas from the book The Love Dare) if I compare my relationship with my spouse to an education, I probably had my bachelor's degree in her by the time we were married, but I need to continue studying her until I earn my masters and eventually my doctorate degree in her after decades of marriage. Some relationships aren't even in higher education. They're repeating the same grade in jr. high over and over because they're too busy skipping school to watch movies, play video games, make out, or (insert other shared hobby here).

Here's this same idea from Jeffrey R. Holland's "Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments":

"... a total, virtually unbreakable union ... an unyielding commitment between a man and a woman, can only come with the proximity and permanence afforded in a marriage covenant, with the union of all that they possess--their very hearts and minds, all their days and all their dreams. They work together, they cry together, they enjoy Brahms and Beethoven and breakfast together, they sacrifice and save and live together for all the abundance that such a totally intimate life provides such a couple."

Part two coming up.

No Guilt-Free Onions (Part Two)

A few weeks ago I read a post by Andrew from the Row Boat and Marbles website about how sex is optional. In the comments was someone who was strongly opposed to this idea. Apparently, I wasn't the only one affected by this comment, since Andrew wrote a long response, and made the whole exchange into its own post. I wasn't completely satisfied with either side of the argument, so I'd like to weigh in a bit about both of their opinions as I continue my discussion of why my wife and I chose 3 months of celibacy in our marriage.

The main thrust of Andrew's post was that not having sex won't kill you, which (taken out of context) is a little vague. There are a lot of things that won't quite kill me...but are we talking about accidentally drinking a lethal amount of poison and later finding out it was actually just vinegar? Or are we talking about a failed rocket-bike over the grand canyon to break every bone longer than 6 inches in your body? Neither kills you, but one sure comes a lot closer.

Still, what negative effects might celibacy have? In the contradictory comment I mentioned, Matt S. said not having any sex has the following negative effects:

--"problems"
--failed marriage (his own)
--pedophilia (the Catholic church)
--"psychological dysfunction"
--"extreme psychological issues"
--"repression and more problems"
--"harm"

Hmmm...also not very specific. The most concrete parts like his marriage or pedophilia were also lacking in solid backing. He challenged Andrew to look at literature on sexual repression, so I decided to look into it a bit. There is apparently some support for increased aggression, and hypotheses about increased rates of rape. I saw so few studies that were focused enough on the kinds of situations that would shed light not this debate that I kind of doubt the commenter that they exist. Still, I have no doubt that trying to force celibacy on someone who desperately doesn't want it might help lead to aggression, rape, pedophilia and other terrible things. I have no doubt that Matt's marriage failed in part because his wife wasn't having sex with him as much as he wanted. But is there a direct causal link like Matt argues?

Because the addict's brain has literally been rewired by addiction, it's going to be painful to go against those embedded reward pathways! Not having any sex will be painful to a recovering sex addict. Pornography and masturbation has been our drug of choice to numb our perceived inadequacies, slights, and challenges. Not taking this drug is like exposing a raw nerve. Taking that a step further and not having any kind of sex is going to be even worse. Could this "pain" be qualified as "psychological dysfunction" or "extreme psychological issues"? That sounds like a stretch. Is it possible that a person might relapse with even worse behavior than if they had never tried to change their habits? Maybe. Is it possible that someone could do permanent damage to themselves by not having sex for any amount of time? I highly doubt it. Still, I strongly disagree that the only logical answer is to live with the debilitating addiction because there's a chance it could get worse. Like Andrew says, for a true addict there is no living with the addiction. It's up or down. And unlike the commenter, those of us who have sex addiction feel how dangerous it is to dismiss the idea of controlling our sexual appetites.

So it's going to be painful, and it may or may not feel like you're going insane. But why avoid having sex with your legally/lawfully wedded wife? Won't having sex alleviate some of the pressure/ temptations and be a great tool for your wife to show how proud she is of the progress you're making? Preview--no it won't and no it isn't.

Healing from the Damage of Sex Addiction

If you've injured your knee, you're going to avoid using it until it's healed. While there isn't any physical damage that would require someone to stop having sex, there has been damage to attitudes, habits, and the relationship.

Attitudes: The porn addict, though they may try to resist it, is going to have a warped sense of what his wife wants, what she finds pleasurable, and what sex is supposed to be like. The addict who is secretly still acting out isn't going to be able to communicate these expectations and opinions, and conflict is inevitable. After confession, the only way to figure out what opinions are unreasonable or inaccurate is to talk about it...and the safe ground of an agreed-upon period of celibacy will make such communication less pressured. Healing doesn't just happen; open conversation is necessary.

Habits: One of the biggest justifications I hear for masturbation is that it flushes out the system and helps with fertility by making room for new sperm. There's only one necessary system for making sure your reproductive system is working, and it's called "morning wood" (aka Nocturnal Penile Tumescence, a spontaneous erection experienced nightly by all men without penile dysfunction). On the other hand, it's been proven that masturbation and pornography can lead to premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction disorder. Celibacy provides some time to completely reset the body's sex habits.

Relationship: The wife has been treated like a meat-sack sex object. Especially after hearing the extent of the addiction, she will wonder where her husband was mentally during sex, if having sex with him makes her a porn actress, and if he can ever be clean from what he's done. She needs to be so convinced deep down that he's in recovery that even a return to the source of the trauma--sex--won't bring the thoughts and feelings flooding back. And that takes time to reestablish that trust.


The third step of the 12-step programs is to trust God. I need to trust that giving up my addiction is going to end up in the kind of me that I want. I have to trust Him that I'm not going to be a sexually repressed, bitter individual like Matt S believes I will be. It takes faith to expose my nerves and endure pain...especially pain that is as easy to reduce as a quick glance to the attractive girl sitting next to me, and as easy to satisfy as a quick visit to the privacy of the bathroom. It's easy to accept the lies that say I can serve God and Mammon--after all, I know on a mental level what's morally right. Why can't I indulge in pornography just a little, and then not let it affect me as I do what I'm supposed to? It's not possible to not let it affect me, because it's infinitely more powerful than I am. I need to accept my powerlessness and let go of sex completely, with no strings attached, until I'm ready for it. And until my wife is ready for it. We're abstaining from any sexual relations because our marriage and relationship comes before sex.

Going back to onions and my wife's sensitive nose--it's true that I can be guilt-free and sneak onions nowadays since my wife and I aren't kissing anyways. But I'm not going to. I want to do everything I can to establish habits that will help heal my marriage and family, even the silly things like not eating onions--even for no other reason than because my wife doesn't like onion breath.