Coming Back to Life

I met with my sponsor earlier this week to go over my addiction inventory, which I decided I'm going to share with my SA group in two weeks. It was great to get some feedback and perspective on it, but the part I really enjoyed was chatting with him for a few minutes afterwards. I have a lot of respect for him--I'd tell you about his recovery from low-bottom drinking/sex addiction, but just trust me that it's amazing. It's really a miracle that 1) he's alive at all and 2) he has been sober for multiple years. Anyway, the thing he said that really stood out to me was how he talked about hobbies in recovery. It came about because I asked about his singing, which it turns out he does at a professional level. I asked if he'd been singing for long, but apparently he only started about 10 years ago (he's in his 50s). For decades he wanted to pursue singing as a hobby or career, but had never managed to. This goes along with another story I heard last night in SA group from a man who's been sober for about 6 years who talked about how he's started doing woodworking and fishing, both of which he gave up a long time ago.

One of the many side effects of sex addiction is that it seems to crush the creativity and motivation out of those caught in it. The way my sponsor described it was that we all have God-given drives for creativity and imagination, but addiction has a way of luring you inward and focusing you on yourself to the point where you're unable to receive motivation and light from God. On the other hand, one of the aftereffects of drying out from the addiction is that life returns to these starved, dormant desires to create.

This is incredibly encouraging to me.

I've tried for years to force myself to pursue creative outlets, every time falling flat on my face. For example, six or seven years ago I had an idea for a children's book that I was going to illustrate myself. It was going to be a retelling of Little Red Riding Hood where she (in her bright red hoodie) goes around terrorizing the forest creatures by jumping on them. The climax comes when her trap backfires and an elderly wolf falls on her, hurting his back and immobilizing them both until a passing lumberjack frees them. Anyway, I had the whole thing story-boarded with text and rough character sketches, then...nothing.

An illustration from my adaptation of Little Red Riding Hood. That's a baby owl in the upper left; also, the scan faintly shows the dialogue/text written on the other side of the page.

Another example: about four years ago I had an idea for a science fiction novel. I was quite proud of the premise; I worked on the setting, characters, and plot quite a bit. I had created quite a history and ideas for how everything worked. I even wrote short stories based on it and three or four drafts of the first chapter--over 20,000 words worth. And...nothing.

Concept art for my sci-fi novel (the one on the left is a spaceship)

Both of these projects are still there, and I still want to work on them. For the longest time I had excuses that explained why I couldn't: my work took up too much time, my family took up my energy, I needed time to rest, etc. Now I realize the only reason I haven't finished them--whether or not they end up being worth sharing with anyone else--is because I have been hunched over, desperately clenching my addiction like it were a life preserver in a violent storm. My muscles were clamped in this death-grip for so long that they started to atrophy. The sad thing is that this "life preserver" isn't buoyant. It makes the storm infinitely worse, drowning everything I wanted to become.

For the longest time I've been angry that I can't make myself work on these and other projects. I decided I must not be the creative type--maybe I'm only good for watching tv and playing video games. I also concluded that this must just be the nature of life. Both of these conclusions built resentments against family, work, and God. And how did I deal with them? Yep--more acting out and trying to forget that I even wanted to do those things in the first place.

As I was talking with my sponsor another thought occurred to me. Every desire we have is originally from God. We want to eat, interact with others, sleep, have sexual relations, etc. These desires are part of what God made us to be. The Adversary corrupts and twists these into addictions--we want to eat two boxes of Twinkies, exploit others for sexual or financial profit, etc. Part of our challenge in this life is to find and use these impulses in the way God originally intended us to. So my impulse to obsessively play video games may be corrupted, but somehow I can find a way to meet that impulse in a healthy way. That might mean not playing video games, but if I can find a way to feel fulfilled in that desire, I won't want to anyways. I'm convinced that the key to a happy and fulfilling existence in this life is to be able to differentiate between Godly and corrupted desires and choose the original, the pure, the uplifting.

Now I realize that around the corner, if I'm diligent in my recovery, is the resurrection of these creative impulses which will strengthen me, those around me, and my relationship with God. And it won't be me futilely trying to force life into something dead and shriveled; rather, it will be God breathing life into me, reinvigorating parts of me I had left for dead long ago.

Comments on Comments

I first started teaching online classes about a year and a half ago, and I was skeptical. At one point I had a student remark how much he liked it and learned in it...and I was honestly surprised. Not because I lacked confidence in my material or teaching style, but just because I didn't have any face-to-face interaction with him and didn't see his learning taking place. I was similarly blown away when another online student, who later took an in-person class from me, stated he preferred online classes in general.

There's something about interacting online that I have a hard time wrapping my head around. I was highly resistant to Facebook for a long time for this same reason--I didn't really believe that relationships could be strengthened through any online tools. The fact that learning and bonding happen through a screen and keyboard still kind of boggles my mind.

It does happen, though. It's why I still teach online classes, participate in Facebook, and, to a degree, why I write on this blog. Based on a number of headings of blogs attached to the LDS Addiction Recovery Blog site, I believe there are many people who also write in their blogs to teach, learn from, and connect with others in a strictly online setting.

Still, online interactions aren't all made equal. I've come to believe that one of the best ways to strengthen each other and ourselves online is to leave sincere, thoughtful comments. In this post I'll talk about commenting as an act of faith and service, as an investment in a community, and as an act of critical analysis.

An Act of Faith and Service

When I think back on my prayer relationship with Heavenly Father, there are times it's been pretty shabby. It wasn't for a lack of trying--I'd pray "Lord, you know my heart. My life isn't where it should be, but I honestly want to follow you and do your will. Please help me resist the temptations I will encounter tomorrow." Why didn't Heavenly Father help me? I was being honest...mostly. The only problem is that I didn't want to follow Him if it meant I had to change my behavior. The next day I would keep the same secrets and try to combat the temptations the same way I'd been trying, hoping that Heavenly Father would cure me on my terms (no wonder I couldn't sustain nightly prayers with such a prideful attitude).  Recovery from addiction doesn't work like that! There has to be acts accompanying words. I've come to realize that even confessing and forsaking my sins once isn't enough to qualify for daily protection from Heavenly Father. There must be daily acts of faith to show I mean business.

For example, this week I was grading an essay about welding which unexpectedly had an image of a woman (using a plasma cutter) with a low shirt and a short skirt. I didn't go looking for this picture, and I didn't want the mental tornadoes it caused. I prayed for help, but I was still caught in obsessive thinking. I prayed again. Why didn't Heavenly Father take these thoughts from me? Fed up with it, I decided to reach out. I called a guy in my recovery group. He didn't even answer, but immediately my thoughts calmed and I was able to get back to grading. I can see Heavenly Father waiting patiently to bless me the second I stepped out of my comfort zone. I need to show an act of faith first, though.

Online comments can fill this role. Sometimes after reading a blog post I have a comment come to mind that I want to share. Most of the time, though, I have to really dig if I want to say something meaningful. It makes me anxious: could they be offended? Is this even helpful? Is this honest? At times I spend longer thinking of a two sentence comment than I spent reading the post. I believe it's time well spent, though; not only am I potentially helping someone else, but I'm also showing Heavenly Father that I'm willing to serve others and qualify for blessings.

An Investment in a Community

There's an allegory (by Rabbi Haim of Romshishok) of a man who toured both heaven and hell that goes something like this: The angel first took him to hell--all around he saw the most delicious foods: steaks, cheesecakes, crisp salad mixes, root beer floats, asparagus (so sue me--I like asparagus), ice cream, funeral potatoes, creme brûlée, etc. The people were looking longingly at the foods, but the food was kept in containers which kept the inhabitants from eating any of it. However, all the people had spoons tied to their hands. The spoons could fit into the containers, and the people tried ceaselessly to get the food into their mouths. The only problem was that the handles of the spoons were too long, and, no matter how people bent, twisted, and contorted themselves, the delicious food was always just out of their reach.

The man commented to the angel how terrible and tortuous a place hell was. The angel smiled as he took the man to heaven. The room was exactly the same. There were the same containers, the same food, and the same ridiculously long spoons attached to everyone's hands. The man was confused. He told the angel he must have made a mistake and taken him to the wrong place. The angel pointed to the people and told him to watch. Indeed, a glance showed that these people were not the frustrated, tortured wretches like in hell. They were happy, smiling, and laughing. The man was confused until he saw the difference. No one could feed themselves, but in heaven they all took turns feeding each other.

The people in hell were so busy trying to feed themselves that it never occurred to them to help others.

In this story, heaven and hell were exactly the same. The only difference was that the self-centered obsession of those in hell made their lives a torture, while the selfless pursuit of others' wellbeing of those in heaven made their lives a chance to connect. I believe comments are like the food in the analogy: we can pursue them selfishly, only concerned with what we get (think of the stereotypical Facebook narcissist), or we can show our faith and concern for others by giving selflessly. What becomes of the community--whether or not it becomes a place where people help and comfort each other--depends on how we treat our fellow blog posters...and our comments are a great indicator of how we're doing.

An Act of Critical Analysis

Thinking or talking about an idea can be great, but one of the things I love about writing is how it can revolutionize the way you think about things in a way no other medium can. Anyone who's ever had to write a talk knows that putting your thoughts on paper is a demanding and difficult task. Addressing a single audience member--writing a comment--in a helpful and sincere way can be even harder, but in the end I believe it can result in an even greater understanding of the topic. Comments can be a chance to learn from others' experience and insights.

Now might be a good time to break down what I mean when I say "comment" on a blog post. I argue that there are certain moves you can make, each with their inherent benefits and challenges. I believe the more potentially beneficial the commenting technique, the more dangers there are involved as well. I list them here from "safe" to "dangerous":

Technique	Potential Benefits	Potential Challenges
Thanking for the post (or idea, or them).	They feel appreciated and recognized.	They may question your motives.
Affirming their approach or idea.	They feel validated and useful.	It may come across as forced or insincere.
Sharing a similar experience.	They feel connected and less alone.	They feel “one-uped” or misunderstood.
Asking for clarification or additional info.	They feel that someone cares about them, their thoughts, and/or their situation.	Could be seen as an invasion of privacy or evidence their post was poorly worded.
Sharing thoughts about the topic / extending the idea.	They feel someone understands and cares, and they learn something new.	Could be interpreted as criticism/ could cause feelings of inadequacy.
Giving direct advice.	They feel cared about and they learn something directly applicable.	They feel preached to, judged, or inadequate (or that you think they are inadequate).
Correcting or questioning an idea.	They think more deeply about the topic and learn something. They feel an increase of respect and understanding.	They feel preached at, judged, criticized, or misunderstood.

The difference between a comment that nails the benefits and a comment that stumbles over the challenges may not be very much. Still, the spirit it's written in can make all the difference. In my experience, when I write a comment from a place of irritation or lecturing, it's always going to backfire. When I feel the spirit when I'm writing it, it's worth pushing "submit." I always tell my students to use the "hug/slap/hug" method of giving feedback--bookending criticism in praise, or at least giving twice as much positive feedback as negative.

I suppose I could have written another post or at least a section about reading comments, but let me adapt the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote in my side bar to apply to comments: "[Comments], though foolishly [written], may be wisely [read]." In other words, even poorly written comments have things of value in them for the wise recipient. However, there's no question it's hard to say, "I'm going to take the good in your words and discard the possibly spiteful, judgmental, or misinformed." An example of this is a recent post on A Wife Redeemed. Shay was obviously hurt by the comment (which I felt clearly fit into the "challenges" category of "direct advice" and "correcting or questioning an idea"), but she still addressed a legitimate part of the comment. 

I challenge everyone--including myself--to make more comments, especially comments that build up, inspire, and enlighten. When a more in-depth "higher level" comment isn't possible, at least we should make a gratitude, affirming, or experience-sharing comment. May we also read comments with more forgiveness and optimism. If we can, hopefully when we get to the hereafter we'll find we already have good practice at feeding those around us. 

P.S. What did you think about my take on comments? Did I miss any techniques that you like to use? What benefits or challenges did I miss? What other aspects of commenting did I miss? (And to the skeptical, I promise this post isn't an attempt to fish for more comments :)

P.P.S. Yet again, I'm having trouble with my boundaries about video games. On Monday I started the beginning of a two week hiatus--I'll have to assess whether or not video games are compatible with my recovery at all (as much as it pains me to say it). I may write more about this later. Hopefully this break will lead to more free time to finish other projects...like a comic I've been working on for at least three weeks. 

Only Eating "Glutton-Free" Food: Addiction as an Allergy

As an English teacher, I see a lot of misspelled words that give me a laugh: one student wrote "we were great friends from the gecko." Another wrote, "I was defiantly grateful to get the job." Finally, one used the term "glutton-free bread." I'll admit that part of me wanted to write a comment in the margin asking if that's the kind of bread that prevents you from eating too much (but I didn't). What they meant to say was "gluten-free bread"--however, I think there's an interesting connection between addiction (like gluttony) and how it often affects us like an allergy (like gluten intolerance).

Gluten-Free Bread doesn't have any gluten. Glutton-Free Bread keeps you from being a glutton. It does that by monitoring your consumption (with audio and video), and blowing up if you overeat.

For people with gluten sensitivity, any ingestion of gluten can cause terrible side-effects: "Symptoms include bloating, abdominal discomfort or pain, diarrhea, constipation, muscular disturbances, headaches, migraines, severe acne, fatigue, and bone or joint pain." One person that I know with Celiac's Disease will eat one goldfish cracker and throw up for hours. In other words, a relatively insignificant input has a disproportionately extreme outcome.

The same thing is true for addicts. I've especially noticed this as I've become sober for longer than I ever have in the past. A commercial, image, or outfit that used to not bother me at all can now immediately result in a hot face and a quickly-beating heart, with hours of obsessive thinking following. I'm sure most people don't even notice or aren't even bothered.

Note: I'm not defending lust--not only was it the addict's actions that caused this "allergy" in the first place, but it's their burden to be on the guard against triggers like this. Also, just because the reaction is involuntary, that doesn't mean we're justified in what we do after the initial reaction.

Just like there are a myriad of symptoms a person may experience after eating gluten, there are a ton of reactions after indulging in an addiction. I've mentioned hot face, quickly-beating heart, and obsessive thinking, but there's also guilt, shame, and a desire to self-medicate with other addictions. There's a feeling of hopelessness and a lack of motivation to fulfill responsibilities. There's irritability, lack of closeness with loved ones, depression, anger, unwillingness to communicate, and apathy. And an addict doesn't have to have binged on the hardest porn for hours to become negatively affected--a relatively small trigger after a long period of abstinence can cause me to be unmotivated to help with household chores, unkind in communication with my wife and kids, and closed-off in attitude.

An important thing to recognize is that addicts have this reaction whether we want to or not. In the beginning years of my addiction I would basically tell myself, "I'm not going to let this affect me. I'll just indulge in this, then go about my merry way trying to be a good member of the church." Then I'd find myself doubled over with all kinds of spiritual side-effects, wondering why I couldn't separate the two. An allergy doesn't care if you've promised yourself you won't have a reaction this time. It doesn't care if you're eating your only child's (gluten-rich) wedding cake, or if you promise it's the last cheesecake ever. You will have a reaction. It's not a matter of self-control.

So there are symptoms. Still, just like food allergies, it can be hard to determine what food caused which symptom. I remember my sister-in-law trying a number of different diets and talking with several doctors before discovering the cause of her ailment. Rather than just accepting that she was a certain way, she took a lot of time and spent a lot of energy and self-control to figure it out. Similarly, without a willingness to work hard and make serious sacrifices, an addict can find themselves blaming their unhappiness on anything and anyone, or even resigning themselves to the idea that life will never be a happy place for them.

Some of us have tried for years to determine the nature of the addiction...and the search has often born a striking resemblance to insanity. Would you expect someone who's writhing in pain because they ate a certain white berry to say, "this has happened the last hundred times I've tried it, but I was hoping that this time would be different." Or "it's been a month since I ate one of these--I was hoping I'd have gotten over it by now." You don't just "get over" an allergy in a matter of months, if ever!

Just like people with gluten sensitivity, there is a cure. The cure is to not eat any gluten again, ever. (And "gluten/glutton" for me is lust/porn/sex outside marriage, which makes sex within marriage tricky...but that's a whole 'nuther post). At first no gluten kind of sucks, but then you remember how terrible you felt before, you find other gluten-free recipes that you come to love, and you find other people who have gone through the same withdrawals and testify how much happier they are now. The difference is that overcoming a sexual addiction comes with the added benefit (/cost) of overcoming many other character flaws...which, as opposed to avoiding gluten, will have significance that is eternal rather than internal.

Seven Reasons Why Sexaholics Anonymous Rocks

My first contact with online addiction recovery material--Andrew from Row Boat and Marbles.com--raved about Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) so much that I wondered if he was getting paid by them. Now I can begin to see why he has such a high opinion of the program. Here are my top seven reasons why SA is so effective, inspiring, and generally rockadelic:

Their Definition of Sobriety and Attitude Towards Lust
The problem with some other programs is that their understanding of appropriate sexuality doesn't jive with the teachings of the Church. For example (as I understand it), SAA has a participant-created definition of sobriety, which could potentially make room for masturbation. I'm sure they have safeguards against defining their way out of ANY progress (like "I define sobriety as not looking at porn and masturbating at least one day a month."), but it bothers me that for them, lust isn't the main culprit. For SA, the only victory over the addiction is no sex with self or anyone other than the spouse, and progressive victory over lust. Maintaining sobriety and recovery, the main goal of the program, doesn't require any membership in any specific church or organization, though it serves members of the LDS faith as well as many others.

Their Emphasis on Honesty and Fellowship
The more I learn about addiction and the more I experience sobriety, the more I'm convinced that sustainable sobriety cannot happen by oneself. It's simply impossible. Full confession to another person (and I'm not talking about God through prayer) is absolutely mandatory for recovery. SA pushes hard for this kind of complete openness and honesty. Additionally, they encourage a group of recovered addicts to assist each other in overcoming the isolationist tendencies that most addicts struggle with so much. In fact, in my area after the main meeting, a group goes out to eat dinner together and get to know each other better.

Their Meeting Formats
At first I was annoyed by the way meetings have a relatively large portion of word-for-word introductory/conclusory material, though the church's Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) isn't any different. Still, I've come to see the wisdom in following consistent meeting structures. Even with this repetition, there are a number of different meeting types with the group I go to--New Member Meetings, where the time is spent sharing personal addiction histories; First Step Meetings, where a member shares their addiction story (to show how unmanageable and powerless their lives have become); and normal literature-reading meetings. Also, as much as I would love to ask questions of the group, I appreciate that there isn't any commentary on others' shares--aka "No cross talk please." That said, there are some very open and personal sharing, where people bear their souls to the group.

Their Literature
In this blog I've shared a number of quotes from SA books, and there have been countless other ideas I've read that have made an impression and await the right circumstance to share. There are three SA books that I have the greatest respect for: the Step Into Action books (about how to work the 12 steps), the White Book (which is white...and more generally about the 12 SA steps), and the Big Book (which is big...and about Alcoholics Anonymous). Besides the creative names--which I believe continues to the other anonymous programs (I think Narcotics Anonymous has a Green Book?)--these books are written by recovered addicts and feature a tried-and-true approach. My biggest complaint is the lack of clarity in exactly who God is and how He works. All the books know is that He is there and He is willing to help, but the ARP manual has a more doctrinally sound approach. Luckily, both of these programs can--and probably should--be used together.

Their Schedule/Support Group Size
In my area the ARP group meets once a week and has around 8-12 people who come. The SA group meets around 7 times a week and has around 20-25 people who come to the main meeting (4-8 in some of the smaller meetings). I have no idea if this is a representative difference for everywhere.

Their Perspective
While I kinda complained about their lack of understanding of God in the literature section, I almost view that as a strength in certain ways. Recovery from this addiction is a miracle. And I don't say that lightly. Several times in the Big Book it talks about how certain alcoholics were given up by professionals in the medical field as hopeless cases, only to find complete sobriety through AA. Even without the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, God answered their sincere prayers and whole-hearted reliance on him. The question that occurred to me is, which is better: to receive three-quarters of the truth and to cleave to all of it, or to receive the whole truth but only accept half of it? I'm humbled to see the amazing effectiveness of the atonement in people's lives...especially people who don't have the solidity of the Church, the restored gospel, and the priesthood.

Their Heritage/Connection with AA
When I read the stories of the anonymous programs' origins, it makes me think that they're inspired. At the very least, the fact that the Church based their program directly off the AA program clearly shows that they qualify as "virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy." The lines between the programs aren't clearly defined--this isn't a "from the people who brought you AA." However, from my experience, SA has close ties with AA. My sponsor is involved in AA as well as SA, and I view that as a great positive.

I view this post as an endorsement of a solid program that has a lot to offer members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It's teachings are vague at worst and extremely in-tune with the gospel at best. The fellowship, literature, and meetings are exactly what I need to overcome this addiction, and I challenge anyone who reads this post but is unfamiliar with SA to give them a chance. You just might end up writing a post that makes people question whether or not you're being paid by them too.

Under Construction

My wife shared an analogy with me a week ago, and since she doesn't have a blog of her own, I'm totally going to steal it and make it into a post. I keep encouraging her to start her own recovery blog, but maybe I shouldn't so I get to steal all her great ideas. The following analogy (parable? allegory?) explains where we're at in our recovery:

A newlywed couple desperately wanted to own a house of their own; however, money was tight and they were inexperienced, so they only rented apartments. The places they lived were occasionally gross, but eventually things worked out and they decided to build their own house.

They were so excited! It was going to be bigger, more logically laid out, and higher quality than anything they had experienced before. And it would be theirs! After several months, they got the foundation laid, and they could really tell how awesome it was going to be. They were so excited about the progress that sometimes they forgot that it didn't have a roof yet. They wanted to move into it, but realized it wouldn't provide the reliable protection they needed.

They spent as much time as possible working on it, but it frustrated them that it went agonizingly slow. More than that, Their current rental house seemed even more gross and disappointing now that they could see what a real house was going to be like. They just had to be patient, though, and keep working on it until it was closer to being done. Eventually, it would provide enough protection that they could move in, even if they still needed to put the finishing touches on it.

Interpretation

Our marriage hasn't been what we originally wanted. My secret addictive behavior has hollowed out what our real marriage was supposed to be. We were stuck in this phase for a long time because it takes a lot of work and self control to have a real, honest marriage. Eventually, we even both became to believe what we were experiencing was normal and as good as it would get.

Now that I've fully confessed, am actively working recovery, attending meetings, etc., we're starting to get glimpses of what our marriage can be. And we're really excited! Still, even with the hope and growing successes, we're pretty early in the process. Occasionally we get frustrated because we still have the same issues come up--we get in fights, our house is still a mess, our parenting isn't where we want it to be, we still occasionally eat unhealthily, and exercise is sporadic. My wife wants to trust me fully, but is afraid that our marriage isn't safe enough yet. We're both going to have to work on it...my wife on finding how she can trust me, and me working on being worthy of trust.

Our new marriage is under construction, and the estimated date of completion depends partly on how much work and effort we put into it. I'd prefer sooner rather than later, but that doesn't change the fact that construction is hard, long work.


P.S. Part of my recovery is avoiding triggers, which for me often are screen-based entertainment. And part of avoiding screen time is finding other outlets/hobbies to occupy my time. One of those is artwork...so even though my comics (I'm thinking of the "Haunted by Milkshakes" one) don't really have much to do with anything, they are helping me change my unhealthy behaviors. So if you think they are too random or weird, skip them and know they're helping in my recovery.

Haunted by Milkshakes

Matt made a great post about the progressiveness of addiction. In it he made a funny comment that I couldn't resist expressing visually. As a fellow lover of milkshakes, I felt compelled to proceed. Enjoy:

This week in recovery group a participant shared the quote from Alcoholics Anonymous: "One drink is too many, and a thousand not enough." The same goes with lust hits...and milkshakes.

If You're Happy and You Know It...

Today I was using the song "If You're Happy and You Know It" to manipulate my kids (any other parents do this kind of thing?). My alternate lyrics went a little something like "if you're happy and you know it, eat your food!" or "if you're happy and you know it, be real quiet!" To counteract this, my kids made up lyrics of their own: "if you're really really happy, eat ketchup all day!" or (the two year old) "if or happy, clap ors hand!"

Earlier today in Fast and Testimony Meeting, our bishop shared his testimony. In his remarks, he said very bluntly that he's happy. He gave the caveat that his life isn't perfect and he still struggles with day-to-day challenges, but he's still in a place in his life where he's genuinely happy, regardless of his difficulties.

As my song manipulation was backfiring and as I was thinking about what the bishop said, I got to wondering about what attribute or habit really makes us happy. (Hint...it's not eating ketchup all day, although I haven't put that one to the test). I know the song is saying "if you're happy, show it in this way," but what happens if you're not feeling happy, but you still clap your hands? To me it kind of comes across as "if you clap your hands, that means you're happy"...in a "fake it till you make it" kind of way. Anyways, I got to thinking about what one thing you would have to do to be happy and know it.

The answer I came up with is that happy people have better memories than non-happy people. There's courage, faith, and knowledge thrown in there, too, sure. But people who can remember the outcome of negative choices (like eating seven donuts by themselves, skipping a church meeting for inconsequential reasons, giving into temptation and binging on porn, etc.)--AND let that memory change their actions for the positive--are going to be much happier. That seems really easy when I put it like that, but I'm amazed at how hard it is in practice.

Because it is so easy to listen to the voices that yell at you. Your body yells at you that it will die if it doesn't get satisfied, culture yells that the behavior is perfectly ok and you're a terrible person for even questioning it, or Satan yells that you aren't worth being happy anyways.

And it gets hard to recognize causal links between problem behavior and negative outcomes. There's a cloud of darkness making it look like my problems in life come from my wife's inability to recognize my greatness, or my boss's inability to recognize my genius, or my children's inability to tap into my wisdom. It's hard to admit that my marriage would be stronger if I were a better husband, or that my job would be more enjoyable if I were a better employee, or that my kids would be more obedient if I were a better parent.

It's also hard because we often connect what we feel with what we do. In the SA white book it says, "Program people taught me that right thinking never produced right actions, but if I took the right actions, the right thinking and feelings followed." If we're in a habit of relying on our feelings to dictate what we should do, we're going to get in trouble. Instead, if we DO what we know is right, even without feeling it, the feelings will come later. It's easy to be good when you feel like being good. We need to recognize that we're not always going to feel like being good, though. In my current stretch of sobriety there have been times when I've needed to say "I really don't want to call this person and tell them my current instance of broken thinking, but I know if I don't I'm not going to escape this rut." The phone call often stands as a token action that precedes my right thinking.

I can't make my life happy just by clapping my hands. But I can by remembering the outcomes of my poor decisions and controlling my actions (even if I can't control my feelings) to do better the next time. Even then, it's not me that makes my life happy--it's through my acceptance of the Atonement and adherence to eternal laws that can, if I let it.