"What is the Next Right Action I Should Take?"

10/23/16

Have I harmed myself or others physically, emotionally, or spiritually?

This is one of 36 questions Step Into Action asks at the end of step one to get me to realize the exact ways and the degree of my powerlessness/unmanageability. Many of the other questions were a "not really" or a "not recently, but in the past yes." This one I feel confident is going to be a resounding "YES!" for every addict. By definition, addicts' behavior damages 1) our brains and thinking, 2) the way we cope with life difficulties, and 3) our relationship with God...all in profound ways. I suspect (and I wrote this in the margins) that I can't even comprehend the degree that my addiction has set me back or hurt those around me. I probably will never know in this lifetime.

What have I done that I didn't want to do?

My first reaction to this question was a kind of "duh, lots of stuff." But then I started thinking--why did I do it if I didn't want to? I amended my answer to "see my step one inventory. Everything (and nothing) fits into this category." There was part of me that wanted to do everything I did. There was another part of me that was repulsed and knew what I was doing was wrong. That second part didn't know how to stop or gain traction against the other part. What is the real me? I'm choosing the better part of me, no longer listening to the self-destructive ideas and not giving up because I don't know exactly how to stop and stay stopped. I have faith that I will be able to say "I've been in recovery for 35 years" in my future.

10/24/16

How has my illness affected my reputation, my social standing?

A lot of my answers to these questions revolve around the fact that I've isolated myself a lot in my addiction. I haven't really made an impact in a lot of ways because of fear, selfishness, and pride. On the other hand, now that I'm working on improving myself, I've had to make decisions that are right but also not the best. For example, there are a number of my female colleagues at work that view me as distant and cold because I've gone out of my way to not talk with them or be friendly. I defend that behavior until my recovery is more rock solid, but it still makes me sad that my addiction still affects me, even though I'm working my recovery more now than I ever have in the past.

10/25/16

Our fear of returning to our addiction was greater than our fear of how the group might react.

This was in a section where they were talking about sharing the first step inventory, but I would expand this to all recovery behavior. My fear that I will return to my addiction is greater than my desire to not reach out to recovery buddies in a phone call. Fear of addiction is greater than my unwillingness to face X thing that I'm stuck on and really not wanting to do. Also, in the margins I comment that this isn't the same as jumping from a burning skyscraper because we're afraid of the flames behind us...this is abandoning a sinking ship in favor of a life raft. I admit that to the addict who's been caught, the former analogy might seem appropriate (hmm...lose my addiction or lose everything I have...is there a third option?), but what seems like jumping out of a window to certain death is actually the much more certain fate of being saved in a life raft.

10/26/16

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

This is one of the rare times when I criticize SA. I think it's important to not alienate people who don't really believe in God or who believe in God differently than I do. However, as someone who does believe in God, I'm not entirely comfortable with "using" god, thinking about him as a higher power synonymous with the group I'm attending. In the Doctrine and Covenants there's a scripture about how every blessing has a law on which it's predicated--it doesn't say we have to understand the law to get the blessing, only that we obey. So for the people who become selfless and recover thinking of their higher power as the group, I don't have any problem with God blessing them. However, I agree with those in SA-L, who decided to split with SA over the lack of having God be central to the program. That said, I like the ARP phrasing better--"Come to believe" (love that imperative verb form) "that the power of God can restore you to complete spiritual health." I like the "spiritual health" over "sanity," although I completely admit that I'm insane in my addiction.

10/27/16

We began to accept the stark truth that sex or romance could not fill the hole in our souls.

Addiction is so hard to describe. Any kind of analogy falls short, but I love this abstract concept. What does it even mean to have a hole in your soul? I don't know, but trying to find fulfillment through living a hypocritical double life leads to it.

10/28/16

Lust was another god I held on to. The electricity of lust could give me hope on a bad day. I came to rely on it. 

My last therapist said this to me--that using lust to cope with my problems is one way to deal with life's problems. And it works, to a degree. But it also comes with unavoidable, subtle, devastating side-effects which make it not worth it. I'm done trying to find a way to make it work. I'd rather not cut corners but find ways to deal with my issues in healthy, appropriate ways.

My problem was that I wanted a standing ovation for taking out the garbage. I had to be right. I couldn't say that I was wrong about almost everything in my life. If I admitted that, the very thing I believed in--me--would be annihilated.

If three years ago I could see the amount of work I do around the house I would confused/angry that my wife doesn't bow down to me and do everything I want. But guess what--I'm doing work that I was supposed to be doing anyways! I don't get extra bonus points for doing what I should be doing to make my marriage an equal partnership. Also, I want the confidence that comes from knowing that if I fail, it doesn't mean that I'm worthless. I base my value on the knowledge that I actually am a child of my Heavenly Father and that I honestly am trying to understand and do his will for me.

10/29/16

"What is the next right action I should take?"

I think this is a fantastic question to ask myself. Not "I have X months of sobriety, can I handle this?" As the White Book says it, that's backing away slowly from my own personal hell, not running towards heaven. I would rather not push my recovery to the limits of what I can get away with--I'd rather push myself to the limits of how much better I can be each day. If I took every junction of each day as a chance to decide to do the next right action, as I understand it in that moment, I wouldn't ever fail in my recovery.

I am only insane, not evil.

WHEW! Is that all? :) Seriously though, I acknowledge that my years of indulging in addictive behavior as a crutch to dealing with life problems has crippled my rational thinking. I need to work hard, mistrusting my tainted impulses as I stick to recovery buddies who have the kinds of recovery that I want. I'm not inherently a bad person, even though I've made bad enough decisions for long enough that bad actions come easy to me. But I don't have to stay that way!

10/30/16

3 Nephi 20:23  Behold I [Jesus] am he of whom Moses spake, saying: A prophet shall the Lord your God raise up unto you of your brethren, like unto me; him shall ye hear in all things whatsoever he shall say unto you. And it shall come to pass that every soul who will not hear that prophet shall be cut off from among the people.

At first I was kind of confused with this comparison. Jesus is often compared with glorious objects (the sun, morning star, etc.) or with general things (the shepherd, etc), but not so much with specific people. "I'm like Moses" seems a bit strange to me, but then it occurred to me: Moses was standing on the shores of the Red Sea. He had his back to a body of water, and an army coming to kill him and his people. There was nothing he could do. But through God's power, he was able to part the sea and bring his people through to the promised land. Similarly, I'm standing with Jesus by the shores of an ocean I can't cross. There's an army coming to kill me. There's nothing I can do. However, I can rely on Jesus, who can part the waters for me, letting me escape my inescapable enemies and cross the uncrossable barrier to enter into the promised land. Every time I choose to rely on him instead of justifying my behavior I'm taking a step through the waters, working my way towards a peaceful and happy existence. Of course, if I don't stay vigilant, it might take me 40 years to get there, but I'm hoping not.