10/17/16
By accepting reality, by acknowledging our disease, by embracing our failure, we found hope. This was the start of surrender. We began to build a road to recovery.
There are so many paradoxes in the gospel--Jesus tells us that those who seek their life will lose it. How can that be possible? Even if I wasn't an addict, if I try to earn heaven I'm going to fail. But as an addict, I don't even have the luxury of pretending I can do it. If I'm being even remotely honest I KNOW I can't. And strangely, that's what it takes. Also, I like the idea of me being in the desert, trying to get to recovery, but I need to build roads and bridges over chasms to get there. It's tough work.
I am powerless over lust. It does not say I am powerless over my compulsive sexual behaviors.
I think this is an important distinction. I can't control how I react to lust...and how I react is an instinctual selfishness, pride, and countless other self-destructive tendencies. However, I DO have power over how I prepare for life difficulties. I can cut off my access, reach out when I start making bad decisions, and countless other recovery skills that I've learned over the last two and a half years.
10/18/16
One of the biggest stumbling blocks in our efforts to become and remain sexually sober is our inability to fully understand, accept, and admit our powerlessness over lust.
I think this is a huge statement. Understand, accept, and admit--I differentiate accept and admit as internal (accept personally) and external (admit to others). Every time I relapse, when I really look at what's happened and how I've gotten where I was is that I've lost sight of steps one, two, and three. I can't do it, God can, I'm going to let him. There's a lot to understand, though, so it's not a one and done.
10/19/16
Trying to work [step one] without a sponsor was pointless and hopeless.
One of the cool things I heard this week was a concept in the white book about how important it is to combat triggers as soon as possible to when they happen. The longer I wait, the less effective my recovery tools become. This is probably one of several reasons why recovery reading and meetings can't replace a sponsor. When I do something stupid to start down the path, I'm not thinking clearly. I need someone with experience in that same clouded thinking to smack some clear weather into me.
For me, the acceptance from the group and the lack of condemnation and punishment, even when knowing my darkest secrets, was the closest thing I had experienced to unconditional love.
I love going to step meetings for lots of reasons. The spirit I feel, the connection with other people who understand me on a really deep level, and ideas on how to improve all make me feel uplifted when I leave. The time I shared my first step inventory with the group though was incredibly rewarding, even moreso than on a typical meeting.
10/20/16
One day...I became conscious that I was scanning both sides of a busy street for objects of my lust. This was an automatic gear that my brain shifted into when I was in certain public places. Shame would start to take over.
I really saw myself in this depiction, but I was a bit surprised that the shame part was true, too. I have this pull to lust when I'm in public places, but I also have shame hanging over me as well. I know that raking myself over shameful feelings isn't going to change me in any serious way. Acknowledging who I am and what I've become, demystifying what I'm doing and how it's going to affect me, then distracting myself with healthy thoughts or behavior is the better way forward.
10/21/16
My life in recovery is proof that I have serenity and sobriety as long as I go to meetings, work the Steps and Traditions in all parts of my life, call my sponsor regularly, follow his directions, and let God lead my life.
I've heard recently about men who feel like they've healed from their porn addiction, even though they aren't doing the recovery actions. I don't believe it for a second. Even if they manage long-term "sobriety," I feel like it's only going to be white-knuckling. On the other hand, I believe long-term recovery is possible for me...if I can follow the kinds of things following the "as long as I..." in the above quote. There's no recovery for me without work like I've never done before, both quality and quantity.
10/22/16
The purpose of a written Step One inventory was to come to know within ourselves that we were really sexaholics, that we were powerless over lust, and that our lives would remain unmanageable by us alone.
I think the "within ourselves" is really important--I don't think I ever would have really argued that the first few steps were wrong, but I don't think I really internalized just how powerless I was and how unmanageable my life had become until I completely wrote out every thing I had done in my addiction.
We do not dwell on whose fault it is.
As I think back on what I've done, I can only honestly assess my own part. Trying to rationalize and justify isn't going to help me uncover the character weaknesses and patterns of addiction that are deeply embedded in my being. My powerlessness, the times when it's my fault, that's all I care about learning from in the past. Basically. :)
I feel like working through this reading is my work to more completely understand ways in which my addiction manifests itself in my life, accepting myself for who I am and who I have the potential to be (not condemning myself for who I've been), and admitting what I need to do to reject addictive behaviors and embrace recovery ones. I'm still not there yet, so I'll take it a day (and week) at a time.
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