Understanding, Accepting, and Admitting my Powerlessness (More Step Into Action Work)

10/17/16

By accepting reality, by acknowledging our disease, by embracing our failure, we found hope. This was the start of surrender. We began to build a road to recovery.

There are so many paradoxes in the gospel--Jesus tells us that those who seek their life will lose it. How can that be possible? Even if I wasn't an addict, if I try to earn heaven I'm going to fail. But as an addict, I don't even have the luxury of pretending I can do it. If I'm being even remotely honest I KNOW I can't. And strangely, that's what it takes. Also, I like the idea of me being in the desert, trying to get to recovery, but I need to build roads and bridges over chasms to get there. It's tough work.

I am powerless over lust. It does not say I am powerless over my compulsive sexual behaviors.

I think this is an important distinction. I can't control how I react to lust...and how I react is an instinctual selfishness, pride, and countless other self-destructive tendencies. However, I DO have power over how I prepare for life difficulties. I can cut off my access, reach out when I start making bad decisions, and countless other recovery skills that I've learned over the last two and a half years.

10/18/16

One of the biggest stumbling blocks in our efforts to become and remain sexually sober is our inability to fully understand, accept, and admit our powerlessness over lust.

I think this is a huge statement. Understand, accept, and admit--I differentiate accept and admit as internal (accept personally) and external (admit to others). Every time I relapse, when I really look at what's happened and how I've gotten where I was is that I've lost sight of steps one, two, and three. I can't do it, God can, I'm going to let him. There's a lot to understand, though, so it's not a one and done.

10/19/16

Trying to work [step one] without a sponsor was pointless and hopeless.

One of the cool things I heard this week was a concept in the white book about how important it is to combat triggers as soon as possible to when they happen. The longer I wait, the less effective my recovery tools become. This is probably one of several reasons why recovery reading and meetings can't replace a sponsor. When I do something stupid to start down the path, I'm not thinking clearly. I need someone with experience in that same clouded thinking to smack some clear weather into me.

For me, the acceptance from the group and the lack of condemnation and punishment, even when knowing my darkest secrets, was the closest thing I had experienced to unconditional love.

I love going to step meetings for lots of reasons. The spirit I feel, the connection with other people who understand me on a really deep level, and ideas on how to improve all make me feel uplifted when I leave. The time I shared my first step inventory with the group though was incredibly rewarding, even moreso than on a typical meeting.

10/20/16

One day...I became conscious that I was scanning both sides of a busy street for objects of my lust. This was an automatic gear that my brain shifted into when I was in certain public places. Shame would start to take over. 

I really saw myself in this depiction, but I was a bit surprised that the shame part was true, too. I have this pull to lust when I'm in public places, but I also have shame hanging over me as well. I know that raking myself over shameful feelings isn't going to change me in any serious way. Acknowledging who I am and what I've become, demystifying what I'm doing and how it's going to affect me, then distracting myself with healthy thoughts or behavior is the better way forward.

10/21/16

My life in recovery is proof that I have serenity and sobriety as long as I go to meetings, work the Steps and Traditions in all parts of my life, call my sponsor regularly, follow his directions, and let God lead my life.

I've heard recently about men who feel like they've healed from their porn addiction, even though they aren't doing the recovery actions. I don't believe it for a second. Even if they manage long-term "sobriety," I feel like it's only going to be white-knuckling. On the other hand, I believe long-term recovery is possible for me...if I can follow the kinds of things following the "as long as I..." in the above quote. There's no recovery for me without work like I've never done before, both quality and quantity.

10/22/16

The purpose of a written Step One inventory was to come to know within ourselves that we were really sexaholics, that we were powerless over lust, and that our lives would remain unmanageable by us alone.


I think the "within ourselves" is really important--I don't think I ever would have really argued that the first few steps were wrong, but I don't think I really internalized just how powerless I was and how unmanageable my life had become until I completely wrote out every thing I had done in my addiction.

We do not dwell on whose fault it is.

As I think back on what I've done, I can only honestly assess my own part. Trying to rationalize and justify isn't going to help me uncover the character weaknesses and patterns of addiction that are deeply embedded in my being. My powerlessness, the times when it's my fault, that's all I care about learning from in the past. Basically. :)


I feel like working through this reading is my work to more completely understand ways in which my addiction manifests itself in my life, accepting myself for who I am and who I have the potential to be (not condemning myself for who I've been), and admitting what I need to do to reject addictive behaviors and embrace recovery ones. I'm still not there yet, so I'll take it a day (and week) at a time.

Finding Rudders: Another Response to "Step Into Action"

Well, here's two weeks in a row. Good for me.

Here are my thoughts about key ideas I read about in the SA workbook Step Into Action:

10/10/16

"Doing without a sponsor is like piloting a ship without a rudder. The sailor is at the mercy of whatever current comes along."

I still remember an amazing interview I had with my mission president. I had confessed about a year into my mission and he was working with me to stop. If I'm going to be brutally honest, I don't feel like he knew what to do and so he resorted to shaming--"you know better than this" type of things. Anyway, one phrase that really stuck with me was a variation on a scripture--it was describing my situation as being "blown about by every wind of passion." That's what it feels like, and having a sponsor really does feel like being provided with a rudder to steer through a storm.

"A sponsor doesn't do the work of our recovery for us and doesn't provide magic answers to our problems...Having a sponsee allows a sponsor to give service and practice detachment."

I like both sides of this, since I also have a sponsee. I can't expect my sponsor to fix my problems, and it's good for him not to. Also, I don't need to expect myself to fix anyone's problems, and it's good for me to let that go. And since I have such a controlling personality in some ways it's important to be able to practice letting things go.

10/11/16

"Fellowhip literature can be like meetings or phone calls with a cover."

I feel like there are several important behaviors in recovery, and reading recovery literature is one of them. I don't think I'd go so far as to say it's as good as a meeting or phone call...but that's why I like the "can be" wording. I also don't think it's just fellowship literature--there are lots of good books that help me feel understood and supported.

"A meeting based on readings from the White Book has at least one sober voice present"

I'm a bit ashamed how long it took me to figure out what this was saying (that the White Book is the voice of sobriety). I like the idea of literature being a voice of those who have walked this road of recovery before...why would I not take advantage of their experience? In fact, if I disregard their voice, it will stand as a testament against me when all is said and done.

10/12/16

"We begin to work the Steps the moment we admit that we're out of control around lust...As opposed to reading the Steps, believing the Steps, or memorizing the Steps, working the Steps means taking action. Going to meetings, calling our sponsor, and participating in the fellowship are not working the steps."

I think it's important to recognize what working the steps is and what it isn't. Especially in the ARP program, I feel like some people mistake coming to meeting as getting the full benefits of the program. I've certainly been guilty of that in the past, and even now I mentally pat myself on the back when I do important things for my recovery like call my sponsor or have consistent prayer/dailies behavior. Still, that's not working the program. And, the common slogan reversed is still true: "it doesn't work if you don't work it."

"It is both good and important that some work be done for recovery each day. Continuing to write means more progress on the Step. When finished say a prayer of thanks."

Here is where I'm tempted to pat myself on the back and mention my new (and unproven by consistency over a long time) daily healthy behavior. Maybe I'll do a blog post about being stuck and getting unstuck (the latter of which I'm currently trying to do)...but I'll just keep this to a comment about how much I like the idea of saying a "thank you" prayer afterwards. I need more thankfulness in my life.

10/13/16

"Easy Does It
First Things First...
Keep an Open Mind
Keep it Simple...
One Day at a Time
Progress, Not Perfection"

Of the fourteen slogans listed, these six really stood out to me. Here are some thoughts that I had: "Easy Does It" I shouldn't worry about everything I have to change all at once. Instead, I need to have a patient, self-forgiving attitude. I should proceed with caution.
"First Things First" If I'm not putting the things that are most important to my recovery first, whatever I choose in its place will fail, and I will suffer setbacks.
"Keep an Open Mind" Recovery isn't intuitive. The impressions I get about the principles being wrong are lies based on the fact that my brain is broken and satan knows how to leverage my selfishness.
"Keep it Simple" Rather than trying to solve my life/recovery problems with complex programs and goals, sometimes the simple and straightforward option is the best answer.
"One Day at a Time"  Long-term frames of reference can be valuable, but not in recovery. The day to day reference is more helpful in my sustaining my recovery. My base impulse should be, "yes, but what about today?"
"Progress, Not Perfection" Similar to the last one, I need to let go of my desires to get there and embrace the day to day victories that I can have, even if they are uneven and partial.

10/14/16

We can turn to a journal whenever there are strong feelings or dangerous behaviors and write them out. 

I love that phrase, "write them out." What that feels like to me is that I feel all gunked up and irritated and write feelings and ideas to me as they come. I try to analyze where the emotions are coming from, and the concrete nature of writing helps me distance myself from the situation enough to recognize what's from addict me and what's from recovery me. Or somewhere in between. This isn't a substitute for other recovery work, but it's sure been a helpful supplement for me.

10/15/16

Concerning the need to do service: "Because in so doing I am paying my debt to the man who took time to pass it on to me. 4. Because every time I do it I take out a little more insurance for myself against a possible slip."

The book talked about service mainly as it relates to working within the SA program, but I think it relates to any kind of service. Similarly, I don't think I have a debt to pay just from people who passed recovery ideas on to me, I feel like it goes much deeper than I even realize. Also, I love the idea of serving others as a kind of insurance. I don't feel like this is claiming that a shallow service can prop up my entire recovery, but that acting unselfishly can't help but put me a little further from acting out.

10/16/16

"We put a priority on sobriety lest we lose everything again. We are cautious about always trying to meet others' expectations...We organize our lives to be useful and accountable."

These lines about the 12 traditions resonate with the earlier things I wrote about the slogans. I really liked the idea of bewaring the desire to meet others' expectations--one of the blog posts I wrote but never posted (ironically in the long break since I last wrote consistently) was about how my commitment to recovery was about as strong as what I felt like my wife expected it to be. Rather than trying to set my self-boundaries in line with what I need to be actively in recovery, I tend to take a more "what do I need to do to scrape by?" attitude. I know this isn't what they meant by meeting others' expectations, but it's been a recent breakthrough for me.


As I reread what I wrote during the week (and tried to think of a title), I realize that the first quote could be applied to the rest of what I wrote. Sponsors provide a rudder to guide me in a storm, but recovery materials, journaling, and even this blog post also help me recognize my powerlessness in the storms of my life and how to qualify for God's help.

"Seven Days Without a Meeting Makes One Weak"

I feel like I've done a fair amount of meta-commentary about myself in the past, so I want to keep it short before getting into what I want to write about. Over the last year I've learned some really important skills/principles, enough that I was able to maintain nine months of sobriety. I recently lapsed, proving that I have a ways to go and even doing baseline recovery work, stresses can overwhelm me. I want to work through the first three steps in a more in-depth way than I have in the past, so I'm going to post here about my take-aways from working in the Step Into Action book one, (an SA workbook). We'll see how it goes.

10/7/16

"Why are you here? If the answer is, "I can't go on like this and I am willing to do whatever it takes to stop," then read on." 

I love this quote. Both that it's important to recognize why I'm choosing recovery, and that I have to get to the point where I'm willing to sacrifice ANYTHING to stop. For me the "anything" is video games, nightly movies/Dr. Who, sex with my wife, milkshakes, avoiding work, avoiding people, etc.

"Wishy-washy starts in the SA program just don't cut it. "If you're not sure, go out and try some more pain."

I would extend this to any attempt at recovery, not just SA. Also, the underlying idea here is that there is only one way to get better, and I don't have to be uptight if someone doesn't choose it because if they want to be happy they'll get there eventually. Or, more appropriately, if I feel like I can dance the line between recovery and getting a lust buzz, all I'm going to get is more pain until I choose sacrifice and work. 

10/8/16

"We often feel very unsure or shy at our first meetings, in addition to being angry that we need to be there."

I might have chosen the words "self-conscious" and "shame" in place of "unsure" and "shy." Also, I feel like the anger is directed at myself and at reality. At reality because I wish it would conform to what I want to be the conditions for happiness, and at myself because I realize that I'm the one who can't accept reality and what it takes to feel at peace with life. 

"It turns out that the desire to skip a meeting is our addiction at work."

Our addiction is constantly working on us. I'm ok with the vagueness of that phrase because I'm not sure if it's Satan, our rewired brains, or a combination of both. I'm leaning towards the combination.

10/9/16

"Seven days without a meeting makes one weak."

BOOM! I love play on words. I also feel like it's true that at about one week without a meeting I start not being as comfortable dealing with my problems. The perspective, fellowship, and spirit of meetings really are essential for me.

Meetings heal us; Higher power present at meetings.

This is my biggest problem with the SA program. I feel like in their desire to be inclusive of people who don't really believe in God, they've lost a lot of the doctrinal accuracy and power. So, just to be clear, meetings don't heal anyone. Meetings allow us to feel the inspiration of the Holy Ghost, which whispers to our souls what we have to do (or not do) to qualify for the cleansing/healing power of Jesus' atonement. He is the only one who can heal us. Just sayin'.

Self-Evaluation of my Recovery Account

In a recovery meeting a while ago I thought about my "Recovery Account" post, and thought I'd update it and do a quick self-evaluation using it.

Here's a quick review of the analogy--recovery actions are deposits into our recovery account, and addiction actions are withdrawals. Low "funds" tend to bring out addictive behavior, and high "funds" can give us a false sense of security if we're not careful. I've added to the original list, breaking things apart that I feel were more nuanced and significant (lust, dealing with stress, anger), adding some that weren't explicitly represented (entertainment), and clarified some wording (making one more applicable for non-married individuals, among others).  Am I headed towards bankruptcy in my recovery? Let's find out based on these ten sets of criteria (rather than seven in the old one):

Deposits to Recovery Account	Withdrawals from Account
Actively avoiding lust in person—visual or interpersonal. Progressive victory over lust.	The reluctant, unavoided, or actively pursued lust hit, whether visual or interpersonal.
Avoiding entertainment that elicits feelings of indulgence/ developing healthy hobbies.	Actively seeking or passively not avoiding triggering entertainment or hobbies.
Reaching out to fellow addicts in a moment of weakness.	Dwelling on angry or resentful thoughts over others' real or imagined wrongs.
Participating in recovery meetings.	Spending time or money on selfish wants instead of needs.
Surrendering desire to numb out stresses—instead working through them in healthy ways.	Numbing anxieties, stresses, and responsibilities with unhealthy food, screens, avoiding work, etc.
Studying addiction recovery materials and work on 12 steps.	Allowing mental fantasies to run wild, whether sexual or not.
Actively engaging in scripture study and prayer.	Using relationships with others as a release for sexual desires, either physically or relationally.
Thinking about and serving family members and others.	Justifying inappropriate actions instead of owning them.
Daily checkins with spouse, sponsor, or support network.	Acting out sexually—any action that stimulates sexual feelings.
Working hard in every responsibility—school, work, church calling, etc.	Lashing out at others in anger rather than owning and working through problems.

I'm going to say that I'm approximately 7 to 7 1/2 on the deposits side and 3 to 3 1/2 on the withdrawals side. That's 4 1/2-to-3 1/2 recovery bucks in my account every day. Yes, that's clearly an increase, but when you compare it to the 10 recovery bucks that are possible, I'm working at less than half recovery possible. I thought I was doing better than that, so that's a good insight.

Areas of concern from the deposit side are actively avoiding lust (I was doing so well at this, but I've had a hard time getting back into all my good habits after my difficulties over the holiday break), and half points on scripture study, 12 step study, daily check-ins, hard work, and working through my stresses in healthy ways. I've been doing ok, but I could definitely be more consistent and sincere. Still, even with half points on those, I'm definitely working and desiring recovery. And honestly, my lusting isn't where I want it to be (clearly in the "progressively better" camp), but compared to where I was a year ago, or even a number of months ago, I think I'm making progress over all. I'm avoiding entertainment I think might be problematic, talking with my wife, owning difficulties with my support guys, and avoiding the lustful double checks (or even the first check at times). Why isn't it consistent, though? Maybe because I still struggle to deal with my insecurities, fears, and stresses. 

On the withdrawal side, obviously the lust hits, as I've discussed. Mental fantasies, a desire for sex as an outlet (which I still partly count, even though my wife and I are in a pseudo-celibate place right now), and unmanaged anger at my wife and kids, though I also have done slightly better at working through that. I think my next post is going to be on a process me and my wife have developed for working through disagreements recently, even though it's still a work in progress. 

Anyways, it's good to self-evaluate. I desire to be rich--solidly in recovery rather than living from paycheck to paycheck. I want to have a 10-to-0 rating, and I'm going to start with the rest of today. 

Feel free to do a similar assessment! I'm curious to know how others do on this and if it's helpful for anyone else. 

Thanks,

R

Why All My New Year's Resolutions Failed

...And I could add a few more things than just new year's resolutions to the list: my daily to do lists, my weekly check lists, and goals in general. It seemed like I would start out with such fire--such a powerful righteous desire to be better. Then after a few months, weeks, or even days, I would find myself falling short, losing steam, giving up. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep that desire to be good? Weren't my goals worthy? Certainly God wanted me to overcome my addiction, or read scriptures, or exercise, or any number of other healthy things I was trying to do. Why wouldn't He help me?

I use the past tense, but I recognize I've still got a ways to go. Still, I feel like I've made two significant realizations that I'd like to share. 

The first realization is about my reasons for making the goals in the first place. I believe that trying to use “should haves ” and the guilt of unchecked boxes to force myself to be better is deeply misguided. I recognize it’s hard to separate my sense of self-worth from what I accomplish—I feel like if I can do X, Y, and Z then I’ll earn others’ respect, or God’s love, or at least escape the harsh, judgmental opinions I imagine others have of me. Instead, I’m convinced I have inherent worth and I need to change because I accept myself and want to be healthy; but to do that I need help—I need to view my goals as a sign of my desire for goodness and healthiness and an opportunity for God to help me identify what I need to surrender so He can change my nature.

Also, I wanted to be good, but I wanted to be good on my own terms. It's like taking my car to a fixit shop, asking them to change my windshield wipers because I'm having a hard time driving. They point out that all the wheels are completely flat, shredded, sending sparks everywhere. I tell them, "no, thanks. I just want to see clearly. Then I'll be able to drive without problems." God is a patient fixit man. He knows what I need, and He points me in the right direction, but He loves me enough to let me realize truth when I'm ready for it, even if it means I make things worse until I come to my senses. He knows that when I recognize that the tires are the real source of my problem, I'm going to be in a better position to turn to Him since He hasn't coerced me. 

The second realization is about what success is. My logic used to be, "I know that I am capable of doing X; therefore, that's my goal. Anything short of that is failure." For example I have a conviction that scripture reading is good, and that I am capable of reading for half an hour every day. Therefore, that was my goal, and I was a failure if I didn't do it. 

Now, however, my baseline for success has shifted. Now, I keep my eye on what I suspect my potential is, but I also recognize where I'm at right now. I ask myself, "without this goal, what would I have done?" Then, if I do more than that, I consider it a success. For example, say I have a goal to drink more water, but I forget all day except for a brief sip while passing a drinking fountain. Rather than viewing this as failing all day long except once, I choose to view it as taking one more sip of water than I otherwise would have, which I think is a success. Likewise, the single verse I read or the two sentences I write in my journal are things I wouldn’t have done otherwise, so they count towards healthiness, which is the whole goal. Looking at Jesus' injunction to "be ye perfect" or be "even as I am," yet to ignore that He "grew in grace," "line upon line" is to completely miss who He is and what His expectations for us are. 

A brief update, just cuz. About six months ago I gave my bishop my SA coins for 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6 months of sobriety, which I told him I was working to re-collect from him. For a number of months I wasn't gaining much traction, but I've recently made some sacrifices (giving up unhealthy entertainment) and started doing healthy things (going to a counsellor, filling out daily accountability cards, calling a support guy everyish night). I am at three and a half months of not just sobriety, but actual recovery. Even my seven months of sobriety didn't feel like this. It's funny that things are going as well, maybe, as they've ever gone with my recovery, yet my experience in church, my diet, and my school habits aren't consistently positive. Still, that's a post for another time. 

The End

Daily Accountability in Card Format

I've recently started counseling again, this time with an LDS counselor who isn't associated with Family Services. It's been a really interesting experience. Here are a few quick things he's mentioned that really resonate with me (before I talk about the main thing I want to mention in this post):

• A lot of people start using pornography as a coping mechanism because 1) of something traumatic that happened or 2) because of under-developed attachment skills. I'm more the latter.
• There are understandable reasons behind using pornography/masturbation--it calms us down when we're stressed, it helps us numb and escape (momentarily at least), etc. We eventually conclude that the destructiveness that comes along with this behavior isn't worth these barbed benefits. But we're not crazy or inherently evil!
• When we've come to believe false core beliefs, we can either turn inward to use pornography to try to numb out the negative feelings, or we can turn outward to learn the truth about ourselves and face our life difficulties with help from those who identify with and support us. 

One more thing he's asked me to do is use the Cor-Cards from Lifestar. These are index-card-sized daily checklists of things we want to do to live more intentionally, shifting our thinking from our limbic pleasure center to our thinking brain--the cerebral cortex (hence the "Cor" card). I wasn't willing to do this...well, not in the exact way he recommended. I ended up customizing the daily checklist and making my own card. Here it is:

The "Wall Item" is a short way of saying something that I try to do or want to do that feels like I'm hitting my head against a wall. For example, I desperately need to get grading done, but I find myself procrastinating and doing other good things instead until I HAVE to get it done. Instead, I want to practice daily choosing one of these things that make me anxious and getting something accomplished with it.

The four-columned box near the top is from a conversation I had with my counselor. I realize that unhealthy behavior doesn't happen in isolation. The basic idea this column operates under is something happens (the "stressor"). In reaction, I feel certain emotions. So, sticking with the grading example, students turn in essays and in reaction I feel irrational fear, anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, etc. The "underlying" column is the assumption that there's some cause for these feelings. Did I have a bad experience with grading and a student freaking out? Do I doubt my abilities because of some teacher? Do I have earlier memories where I came to think of myself as stupid and incapable of critiquing others? Finally, I come up with a game plan (the "solution") to keep these emotions from ruining my life and pushing me towards unhealthy coping mechanisms.

The three-columned "taking care of myself" box is pretty self-explanatory. The "emotionally" column might be for things that I need for myself, like expressing my first box to a support person, giving myself permission to take a break, writing in my journal, or healthy entertainment in limited quantities. As a side note, I've had some pretty good luck recently with the "physically" by playing racquetball with friends, and the "spiritually" by starting each morning with a general conference talk and other recovery reading.

The next two are an attempt to learn from my mistakes and successes each day. This is where course corrections and healthy habits can be identified and reinforced. The last two boxes are also pretty self-explanatory (Laura is my wife).

I'm not advocating this particular format, but I do think it's important to get in the habit of being daily accountable for our behavior. I love that this is something that's not directly related to pornography and addiction--it's the underlying lack of skills and healthy habits that lead to them.

A quick note in closing. On the back of the cards I have a logo and a box for a quote. Here's my quote for tomorrow: "No matter how you begin to obtain relief [from addiction] those solutions will never provide a complete answer. The final healing comes through faith in Jesus Christ and His teachings, with a broken heart and a contrite spirit and obedience to His commandments" Richard G. Scott. I recognize that these cards can't heal me--only One person can do that--but they can help me identify my faulty core beliefs, solidify my plans for healthy living, and practice long-term positive thinking.

Rewards and Personal Value

It's been quite a while since I've written. Well, it's been a while since I've posted; I have three unfinished post drafts waiting for me to find some way to complete them. If you're not interested in a quick rumination about why I (or anyone else who falls off their blog) haven't written, skip the following bullet points. Here are some theories about why it becomes hard to consistently keep up this blog:

• I have some pretty bad shame issues from not successfully maintaining my recovery. I just feel like a super bad hypocrite writing on here about recovery, when I'm obviously no expert. Still, I occasionally think back to things that I've written on here, and admit this blog is to help me. 
• I have developed other ways of thinking through ideas and keeping myself accountable. I've established a pretty solid support network of guys I reach out to regularly (nightly check-ins at this point), and I write in a physical journal about as often as I put entries on this blog.
• I've written about a lot of things and it's harder to come up with original ideas. And don't get me wrong, I know there are endless things to write about. I simply don't want to write about repetitive or uninteresting things. And I've lost the drive to dig to the level I used to.
• I've gotten out of the habit. Over the summer, especially, I was pressed to my limit schedule wise and internet-access wise. On the other hand, when students tell me "I was too busy to do my homework," I translate that to "I didn't want to do it as bad as I wanted to do other things."

 Ok.

I had this idea a while ago about how my addiction works, and I thought it would be helpful to share:

"Rewards for Good Behavior" Becomes "Rewards Mean I'm a Good Person"

I came from a home where food and entertainment were regularly linked to good behavior. "You did well on a test at school? Let's go get a milk shake!" or "We worked hard today, let's watch a movie tonight." After a while, it becomes a habit, then a crutch. I eventually shift from doing the good actions for itself (with the reward as support) to doing the action to get the reward. And, as an added bonus, I have the past positive reinforcement--years of "good job!"--that mentally become linked to pleasure rewards.

Jump ahead to the insecure teen years, when I begin doubting my self worth. Or maybe it's that I become lazy or prideful enough to think I can take a shortcut past good behavior straight to the sign of good behavior--the pleasure reward. It eventually becomes "well, if I can't feel successful in real life, at least I can feel successful by getting the reward of a good person." Of course the reward is now pornography and masturbation, and of course they make me feel even less valuable which makes me feel an even stronger desire to feel like a good person.

Even now that I realize this and other illogical thought patterns, I find this way of thinking creeping in. The other week as I was working to resist lusting while on campus, I found myself subconsciously thinking/feeling that I had done good work in resisting lust and I knew I am on the right track (and I wasn't getting any sexual fulfillment from my wife), so I deserve a reward...of course, a little lust stimulation. It doesn't get much more illogical and insane than that.

Good Behavior Should Be the Reward

Making good decisions shouldn't be clouded by pleasure rewards. My wife has stopped having sex with me just because I'm doing well in recovery, which is a good thing. I've stopped watching television and movies or playing video games because I've gotten good work done. I want to get to the point where I work honestly and diligently throughout the day, then when I come home tired and satisfied from the good work I've done, I help my wife with the laundry and dishes and play with my kids. When or if I get to the point where I can handle pleasurable entertainment or food regularly, I need to ask myself, "am I doing this to escape my worries or to reward myself? Or "am I doing this to connect with my family members and enjoy life from a healthy set of habits?"