But the more experience I have with recovery, the more I realize how little I understand it. I used to be convinced that the addiction was responsible for all the havoc in my life, affecting pretty much everything: marriage, parenting, work, school, church, shopping, sitting, etc. I took this a step further, though, and assumed that because my addiction affected everything, once I got rid of it I'd spring back to health in all these aspects of my life. Maybe it wasn't even a clear idea of what would happen, but a general conviction that my homework would get done easier, I would be able to parent my children better, and my life would be more peaceful. I've since come to realize that recovery (the glimpses I've experienced of it, anyways) isn't exactly what I thought it would be.
Recovery Isn't Constant Happiness
Recovery is not synonymous with happiness. There's no question that my last 58 weeks since I started working on recovery in earnest (of which I would consider about 50 solidly spent in recovery) have been more happy, peaceful, and productive than any similar stretch in memory. But that's on the whole--there are still moments when I'm bummed about X situation that's out of my control, or Y ability I think I should have, or Z relationship that I think should be healthier. Let's not blame recovery, though; not being happy all the time is a side effect of being alive.
However, recovery does enable me to have a positive state of mind all the time. Rather than happiness, it's a clear conscience. I'm convinced feeling free of guilt can give a feeling of contentedness that approaches what I previously assumed would be a constant state of happiness.
Recovery Isn't Smooth
Recovery is bumpy. If recovery is a path, it's got elevation issues. Sometimes I reach a fork in the road and the one marked "recovery" is fairly smooth and slightly downhill. It's quite a surprise when I reach the same path the next week, only to discover it's uphill and rocky. Why is it easy to resist lusting sometimes, but not others? Why is it painful to reach out or talk with my wife sometimes?
I don't know. But I do know that recognizing recovery's fluctuating difficulty levels helps me to not be complacent when things are going easy and not to be overwhelmed when things are going poorly. When things get tough--like they've been the last few weeks--I just need to take it a day at a time and know it will get better.
Recovery Doesn't Automatically Erase Bad Habits
Recovery does not clear away the wreckage of my past--when I'm in recovery, I clear it away. Part of the reason recovery is so hard to succeed at is because bad habits, which aren't necessarily addiction related, make it harder to succeed. For example, when I binge video games I get the feeling of self-medicating through a screen, which leads to switching to porn. When I avoid helping clean the house, I have a sudden impulse to escape into something unhealthy.
On the other hand, recovery makes it much easier to get rid of bad habits. I thought of an analogy that I really like, but decided I will make it its own post in a while. Starting a draft now to remind myself.
Recovery Doesn't Automatically Make Me a Cool Person
Similar to the previous point, recovery doesn't revolutionize who I am...or rather, it doesn't do it as quickly as I would have wanted/expected. There's something about the demands and challenges of maintaining recovery that necessarily changes my attitude and habits. But recovery (much less sobriety) does not equal toppling a wall of anti-sociability, laziness, and ineptitude. Through consistently making choices to reach out, work hard, and be proactive I eventually become who I want to be.
Let me end with a positive note about a few days ago. I was sleeping on the couch again (long story), and I was feeling particularly strong temptations. I knew trying to battle them through thoughts was a losing prospect--my wife was in our room with the lights off, and I didn't want to reach out to support people in the middle of the night. I got the idea to clean the kitchen, so I did. It was weird doing dishes in the middle of the night, but if that's what it takes--to battle temptations that are harder than normal with attempts to overcome bad habits and develop good ones--so be it. The happiness that comes from recovery is worth it.
On the other hand, recovery makes it much easier to get rid of bad habits. I thought of an analogy that I really like, but decided I will make it its own post in a while. Starting a draft now to remind myself.
Recovery Doesn't Automatically Make Me a Cool Person
Similar to the previous point, recovery doesn't revolutionize who I am...or rather, it doesn't do it as quickly as I would have wanted/expected. There's something about the demands and challenges of maintaining recovery that necessarily changes my attitude and habits. But recovery (much less sobriety) does not equal toppling a wall of anti-sociability, laziness, and ineptitude. Through consistently making choices to reach out, work hard, and be proactive I eventually become who I want to be.
Let me end with a positive note about a few days ago. I was sleeping on the couch again (long story), and I was feeling particularly strong temptations. I knew trying to battle them through thoughts was a losing prospect--my wife was in our room with the lights off, and I didn't want to reach out to support people in the middle of the night. I got the idea to clean the kitchen, so I did. It was weird doing dishes in the middle of the night, but if that's what it takes--to battle temptations that are harder than normal with attempts to overcome bad habits and develop good ones--so be it. The happiness that comes from recovery is worth it.
This is a good post, Robert. Very insightful. I didn't realize I knew what you were talking about until I read through it all. Thanks for sharing!
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