An Emotional Post (Not Really)

So much for "third times a charm." This will be my fourth blog post attempt in a little over a month.

Sometimes I wonder whether I have emotions at all. For example, at a recent ARP meeting there were a number of the other guys shared very heartfelt experiences and testimonies, including getting teared up about the atonement. It's not that I don't feel anything, but a lot of times I find myself sitting in silence, thinking that I should probably be feeling some sort of strong emotion, but nothing really happening. After the most recent confession of relapse to my wife, my guilt and shame registered mentally...but not as much powerfully emotionally as I would have expected. Am I just an inhuman monster that doesn't have feelings, or is there some other explanation?

A week or two ago I met with my counsellor, despite kind of dreading it. I was struggling with hard feelings against him (anger I can manage ok, apparently). As I met with him I told him about what he said that had bothered me and why. I told about how the way he met with my wife and discussed ideas about what might be contributing to my problems made me feel ganged up on and attacked. I told him how last time we met I felt like he was a bit dismissive of my plans for the summer. This sounds like I let him have it, but it was a really uplifting, two-sided, mature sharing of point of views. It was a type of pure conversation that I found very enlightening and hopeful (that maybe I do have emotions that I can connect with). He helped validate my perspective and made me feel listened to.

After the last relapse, my wife and I set a goal to avoid TV as much as possible and talk each night. In a recent conversation we talked about how we react to each other. When I don't add to the discussion, my wife tends to talk about herself and recent thoughts and experiences she has had that might shed light on the topic at hand--she feels like she doesn't want to be prying or force me into sharing anything I don't want to. On the other hand, I feel like she doesn't care about me or my feelings. I don't want to have to prompt her to ask about my feelings, since that won't show that she cares. We reached a conclusion that I need to talk more about what I'm feeling and she needs to show more interest in what I'm thinking and feeling (risking saying something insensitive, which she acknowledges doing and fearing to do again).

I'm seventh out of eight children in my family. Directly ahead of me are three very strong personalities, especially during their teenage years. My wife and I talked about how I coped with following three such powerful personalities, whose problems were often much more visible and pressing than mine seemed to be. I always prided myself on not being needy and wanting attention; however, I'm not so sure that was what was actually going on. I think I felt a deep need to connect with my family, and (especially when pornography came into the picture) I also felt a deep barrier between us. I pushed my feeling and needs down so I wouldn't be a burden...in fact, I still have a strong aversion to feeling like I'm inconveniencing people. My addiction was in part a manifestation of my desire to feel some emotional connection--even if it was through the fake, poisoned outlet pornography offered.

I don't lack emotions. I simply am in the habit of pushing them down so they don't embarrass or inconvenience me or those around me. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that--I have emotional needs that have to be met if I'm going to live a happy and productive life. Rather than taking the easy way out and relying on pornography to feel good about myself--or expecting others to read my mind about how to meet my needs--I need to learn how to stand up for my desire to be understood and emotionally validated if I'm going to have long-lasting recovery.