This is the area where I'm currently lacking. This was the area that I started working on (by getting rid of my smart phone) before I even confessed to my wife. And now that I think of it, this was the area that I was having a lot of success controlling when I was doing the best in my recovery.
What I mean by "safeguards" are those recovery actions that make it harder for the addict to come into contact with triggering material. So getting rid of my smart phone was a huge thing. Setting up a filter on the computer (which is more of an accountability thing, since it sends an update email to my wife instead of stopping me from accessing anything), getting rid of triggering media (whether directly triggering or only closely connected with it--like video games for me), etc. These are those kinds of things that I will set up when I'm in recovery because I don't even want the temptation later on when my sanity wanes.
For example, I've struggled recently with getting sucked into video game news online, which impacts the work I get done, which makes me feel guilty, stressed, and more prone to act out. SO, I'm planning on not even bringing my laptop on campus for the foreseeable future--there are computers on campus that I can use, and I won't even have to face the decision.
Accountability
Safeguards are only good if you have a way of enforcing them. And, for me, if I'm the only one who knows about the safeguard, that means the only thing that's actually keeping me from going down the path to acting out is me, and maybe a few seconds to get around whatever barrier I've put in my way. And that's not effective. This is where a support network comes in. When I have a group of people who I'm responsible to contact and update about my recovery, that means it's not just me anymore.
A support network requires work to set up (exchanging phone numbers with recovery folk, getting comfortable contacting them, setting up counseling, reporting to bishop, talking with friends/spouse, etc.), but when I'm in the habit of reaching out, my support people become my safety net to catch me when I start to fall.
Recently, I've made progress in this area. My problem is actually reaching out to my support folks when I'm in trouble. My desire to not bug people and my dislike of phones in general shouldn't be an excuse, but it has been. Also, I'm working on setting up counseling. Like, literally present tense--as I write this sentence I'm on hold with family services setting up an appointment. Ok, appointment set. See, writing this post (and having a desire to not write in the future tense about counseling) already has had a positive effect.
This is a tricky one, but this much I'm sure of: all the safeguards (short of complete immobility, 24/7) and all the accountability in the world won't count for anything if I'm not committed to recovery. How does one build motivation for recovery, though? ...asked every spouse of an addict, ever. One big thing is hitting rock bottom (so setting and holding firm to boundaries makes the reality of the addiction sink in, potentially increasing motivation). Another is the effects of the other two things I've mentioned--having effective safeguards and being accountable/not wanting to let people down is a big motivator. But perhaps the best thing of all is seeing recovery in action, which is why actively attending recovery groups is such a huge thing.
Recognizing and owning the truth about oneself is probably at the heart of finding motivation. Breaking down the lies I tell myself--through interacting with others or journal writing or whatever--is part of what defines "hitting rock bottom" for me.
My scripture study is the biggest thing I can do here. It's been really helpful to link my inventory to specific scriptures. Still, this is a subject I probably will write on in the future, since I sense motivation is more enigmatic than I'm representing it here.
It often feels like I'm teetering on two legs of a stool, trying to keep from tumbling down. One firm gust of wind can send me over unless I find a way to get all the legs firmly on solid ground. Still, I'm confident it will be worth it, even if it takes more--and smarter--work to make recovery happen.
Safe guards it something me and my friend have both learned about in regards to our recovery. It took him several relapses to learn that having a filer set up with his email address and his own password wasn't enough, and having it set up with his email address and a password that *I* put in didn't work (as he could reset it with his email), he finally got the courage/strength to ask me to take control of it, so his passwords on his laptop and work computer are my email address and my password. I also learned when I tried to lock away the tools I used to hurt myself, that just having them locked away didn't help, and asking my friend to take the key didn't help because I just picked the box open...I finally had to ask him to take the box and I have to have the strength to continue to put things in there as they become a temptation. It's hard to be able to reach out or hold yourself accountable. Good job and getting an appointment set with a counselor!
ReplyDeleteThat last bit really hit me, teetering on two legs. I feel like that all the time. Like I can't seem to manage all three at once, just pick any two and I have to try to juggle my recovery on that without falling over. Thanks for this post!
Thank you for sharing. It's sad that we can't trust ourselves to do what we know is right. I wish the two were the same thing, but sometimes it seems like we're own enemy.
DeleteAlso, since you mentioned filters, I think I'm going to have to get a better one on my computer in the near future. And I'll be sure it's my wife's email and password.
I don't know what you use now, but my friend uses k9 (http://www1.k9webprotection.com/) It's free and you can adjust or customize the level it protects, you can add a "bookmark" to your bookmark tab that if you come across a site that you would like blocked but currently isn't under the current level, you can instantly block it. You can change the settings to not allow internet access during certain hours, you can add url and search keywords to block etc etc. If you haven't tried it, I highly recommend it.
DeleteWow, good timing! I was just writing to my bishop this morning that this week I'm going to get a filter that can block specific problem websites. I have heard of k9, but I wasn't aware that it was free and that it can block specific sites.Thanks for the tip!
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