(Re)Lapse in Judgement

When I started going to Sexaholics Anonymous about 8 months ago where we used to live, I met a guy named Kyle whom I came to really respect. He had great spiritual/recovery insights, he cared about his health, and he seemed motivated in his recovery (which he had much much more of than me at the time). And he seemed like a legitimately nice, decent human being. Over the space of a few months, though, Kyle seemed to slip from his confident place of recovery and his focus on others. Each week he would talk about how things weren't where they should be for him and his recovery, but each week I was glad to hear him acknowledge where he came up short--that meant he was going to be alright, right?

Eventually, Kyle got to a point where he started having close calls. One week he caught himself in obsessive thinking and fantasy. The next he actually looked at pornographic images. He caught himself before acting out, and I thought, "ok, now he's going to be alright." A few weeks later, though, and his sobriety date went from many months to a few days. What happened? He knew there was a problem. He knew what he needed to do. He seemed so solid, and he even seemed to take his recovery less for granted than I did (I was impressed enough by his recovery that I didn't think he could relapse). Yet even his amazing attitude and knowledge couldn't stand up to a lack of recovery actions.

I feel like Kyle. Not that I have such amazing insights, motivation, and knowledge, but that I've been gradually sliding from a solid period of recovery into a casual, troubled relapse. And I did. I relapsed last week. And not the "technical" relapse of breaking my sobriety definition, but to full acting out and porn (though not porn with sex acts or even full nudity...so I guess that's something).

After it happened I was dumbstruck. I didn't want to relapse! I had several months of recovery! How could this happen? When I look back, though, I see that it took months for me to get to the place where I was capable of relapsing. For the past month I haven't had a support network--my SA friends I would call, my sponsor, my bishop, and even my nightly check-ins with my wife had all gone away when we moved. I figured my conviction that I couldn't do it on my own was all I needed to do it on my own. What!?

And I guess that's not completely true. I confessed to my bishop a few weeks ago, I've been going to the ARP group, and my check-ins with my wife and brother have happened occasionally. Still, as I admitted in my last post, my recovery actions haven't even come close to outnumbering my addiction actions. Duh I'm going to relapse! (Not that that justifies anything.) Recovery programs only work if you work them! If you're not working them...they're not going to work.

So here's what I'm going to do. Actually, let me copy/paste the list I made at the end of my email to my wife that I sent within a few hours of relapsing:

I'm going to ask a few guys ([specific names]) at ARP meeting next week if we can exchange phone numbers and stay in contact throughout the week. 

I want to talk with the bishop again and confess, then ask him if I can stay in contact with him through email every week. 

I'd like to talk with him about getting one-on-one counseling for me. 

Tonight I'm going to call the guy [my former sponsor] tried getting me in contact with, then I'll call [my former sponsor] until I can get daily support from anyone else (I'm sure he will be more than happy to continue working with me). 

We need to have nightly checkins. At the very least, I NEED for us to have nightly checkins. I'd like to make "did you use solo screen time for entertainment today?" a question you ask me or that I address with specifics every single day. I think that was key. Even if the answer is yes, I'll be able to tell you if it was a healthy use or not.

I'd like to have a period of in-marriage celibacy. We can talk about how many months would be appropriate.

I am set to meet with my bishop on Sunday where I'll confess about this relapse and ask about the weekly emails and counseling. I called my former sponsor, though he didn't answer and I didn't call back. I also didn't call the guy he tried to get me in contact with since I know the guy lives 45 minutes away and I have a deeply embedded desire not to bother people (and a hatred of phone calls). Lame, I know. I haven't met with my ARP group since then, but I'm planning on asking for contact information from one of them after the meeting tomorrow. My wife didn't want our in-marriage celibacy to have a set time period, which I can understand. 

I thought of two other items for the list since then: I'm going to do daily self-assessments based on my deposits and withdrawals idea from my Recovery Account post. Then I'm going to (or would like to) email that list to a support person. If anyone wants to volunteer to get daily emails from me, it would be pretty easy! I know you want to! :)  Anyway, I have a person in mind, but we'll see. Also, I'm going to begin officially working on my steps, including writing about them. I'll probably have my brother work through that step work with me. 

I don't really feel like this relapse was starting over. There have already been a number of difficulties that have come from it that I've handled better than before. Only time will tell if I can use this setback to propel myself back onto the Lord's side, but I'm confident I've learned something about recovery that will help me avoid this particular kind of lapse in judgement in the future.