Three Pillars of Recovery

So I'm still struggling, even though I've made great strides in building up my support network. It's taken me a while to come up with a theory to explain why reliance on others isn't enough--I've decided that successful recovery requires more than any one type of action. In fact, (caveat: this is "Recovery According to Robert") I believe recovery can be effectively described as having three key factors, and if any one is lacking the whole thing comes tumbling down eventually.

Safeguards
This is the area where I'm currently lacking. This was the area that I started working on (by getting rid of my smart phone) before I even confessed to my wife. And now that I think of it, this was the area that I was having a lot of success controlling when I was doing the best in my recovery.

What I mean by "safeguards" are those recovery actions that make it harder for the addict to come into contact with triggering material. So getting rid of my smart phone was a huge thing. Setting up a filter on the computer (which is more of an accountability thing, since it sends an update email to my wife instead of stopping me from accessing anything), getting rid of triggering media (whether directly triggering or only closely connected with it--like video games for me), etc. These are those kinds of things that I will set up when I'm in recovery because I don't even want the temptation later on when my sanity wanes.

For example, I've struggled recently with getting sucked into video game news online, which impacts the work I get done, which makes me feel guilty, stressed, and more prone to act out. SO, I'm planning on not even bringing my laptop on campus for the foreseeable future--there are computers on campus that I can use, and I won't even have to face the decision.

Accountability
Safeguards are only good if you have a way of enforcing them. And, for me, if I'm the only one who knows about the safeguard, that means the only thing that's actually keeping me from going down the path to acting out is me, and maybe a few seconds to get around whatever barrier I've put in my way. And that's not effective. This is where a support network comes in. When I have a group of people who I'm responsible to contact and update about my recovery, that means it's not just me anymore.

A support network requires work to set up (exchanging phone numbers with recovery folk, getting comfortable contacting them, setting up counseling, reporting to bishop, talking with friends/spouse, etc.), but when I'm in the habit of reaching out, my support people become my safety net to catch me when I start to fall.

Recently, I've made progress in this area. My problem is actually reaching out to my support folks when I'm in trouble. My desire to not bug people and my dislike of phones in general shouldn't be an excuse, but it has been. Also, I'm working on setting up counseling. Like, literally present tense--as I write this sentence I'm on hold with family services setting up an appointment. Ok, appointment set. See, writing this post (and having a desire to not write in the future tense about counseling) already has had a positive effect.

Motivation
This is a tricky one, but this much I'm sure of: all the safeguards (short of complete immobility, 24/7) and all the accountability in the world won't count for anything if I'm not committed to recovery. How does one build motivation for recovery, though? ...asked every spouse of an addict, ever. One big thing is hitting rock bottom (so setting and holding firm to boundaries makes the reality of the addiction sink in, potentially increasing motivation). Another is the effects of the other two things I've mentioned--having effective safeguards and being accountable/not wanting to let people down is a big motivator. But perhaps the best thing of all is seeing recovery in action, which is why actively attending recovery groups is such a huge thing.

Recognizing and owning the truth about oneself is probably at the heart of finding motivation. Breaking down the lies I tell myself--through interacting with others or journal writing or whatever--is part of what defines "hitting rock bottom" for me. 

My scripture study is the biggest thing I can do here. It's been really helpful to link my inventory to specific scriptures. Still, this is a subject I probably will write on in the future, since I sense motivation is more enigmatic than I'm representing it here.

It often feels like I'm teetering on two legs of a stool, trying to keep from tumbling down. One firm gust of wind can send me over unless I find a way to get all the legs firmly on solid ground. Still, I'm confident it will be worth it, even if it takes more--and smarter--work to make recovery happen.

A Stellar Analogy

Discovery.com

Our sun fuses 655 million tons of hydrogen into 650 million tons of helium every second. And while 655 million tons seems like a lot, it's barely a fraction of the total mass of the sun. This process has been going on uninterrupted for a very long time, and will continue to go on for several billion years until the sun converts so much hydrogen into helium that there's a fuel crisis. What happens when the increasing amount of helium in the sun's core interrupts the fusion process is the subject of this post and an analogy to help illustrate the relationship between what we do and who we are.

But first, a few caveats: I'm not an astronomer, and I don't really know these complicated systems that well. I undoubtedly will get things wrong. Still, I'm not concerned with the numerous ways stars develop and can end--this is one possible way that I find interesting and applicable. Also, I recognize that there are a number of significant flaws in this analogy. Try to take what you can from it and ignore the illogical parts.

Ok, let me switch from talking about our sun to a much larger star, which has slightly different rules/outcomes. After the helium chokes the hydrogen fusion in the core, the fusion process shifts to a shell around the core. The fusing shell of hydrogen compresses, heats, and ignites the helium in the center to start its own fusion process. The helium in the core fuses into carbon, which eventually collects enough to choke the helium fusion at the core, which creates a second shell around the core. So the outside of the star is a shell of hydrogen fusion, inside of which is a shell of helium fusion, inside of which is a core of fusing carbon. You can probably see where this is headed. The carbon creates neon, which creates oxygen, which creates magnesium (or silicon?), which creates iron (this is a gross simplification of a very complex and poorly understood process, but whatever). Here's an illustration from wikipedia:

The star has always fought a battle, with gravity pushing in and internal pressure from fusion pushing out. At this point the increasingly ineffective substances nearer the core (iron as a fuel is about as "inefficient as stones in a fireplace") don't provide the pressure to keep the gravity at bay. Without the outward pressure of fusion, the star collapses in on itself. Depending on its size, it will either completely collapse (forming a black hole) or it will collapse then ignite, exploding much of its fuel at once in a supernova. Either way, the star is no more.

Ok, analogy time. We are the stars. And while actual stars burn substances that they've had all along, we get to choose the type of substances that we put into our system. Hydrogen is efficient--it stands for healthy gospel living: selflessly helping others, working to understand ourselves and our place in God's plan, etc.--anything healthy, good, praiseworthy, or virtuous. The other elements stand for other, increasingly less noble actions. Helium might be a hobby that doesn't help further your long-term goals, carbon might be an off-color Youtube video, neon might be a dependence on sugar, etc. Iron and its ilk are the really destructive habits--pornography, drugs, etc. Once these are clogging our life, a major breakdown is inevitable. 

We might have a portion of things we do that aren't conducive to healthy living, and we tell ourselves it doesn't pose a huge problem. Like the sun right now--it has 25% helium, but that doesn't mess with its core process. Similarly, we might feel like we can spend time on good things--instead of better or best things--and it won't affect us. Eventually, if we're not careful, we find a shift in our habits. Instead of being excited about daily prayer and scripture study, we are more pumped about watching uplifting movies and reading happy novels. After a while the movies aren't quite as uplifting and the novels aren't quite as happy. Each shift of action provides less outward force to overcome the pressures we face. At some point we don't "have the energy" to work on that skill we've always wanted to. More TV takes it place (carbon and a bit of neon). 

Eventually, if we haven't carefully filtered what comes into our life, we're producing and trying to use iron as a fuel. And iron is not a fuel. Pornography does not provide anything of worth to us as human beings. It's a waste and if we try running our lives on it, we will end up imploding (becoming spiritually dead and morally bankrupt) or exploding (becoming criminally obsessed with sexual stimulation until we're no longer safe to be in society).

A star can't get rid of the iron or other elements it's created, but that's where we're different. We can replace inefficient substances with more efficient ones. Still, it's not enough to just overcome iron. We need to get rid of all the other elements that lead up to it and replace them with the purest, most efficient fuels. Only a pure source of fuel can propel us through all life's pressures. And unlike this analogy, there is upward progression. We can be purified, building ourselves upward "line upon line and precept upon precept."

We need to figure out what things we put into our lives that we justify because they provide "energy" ("I need to play video games when I come home--I've had a stressful day and I need to relax"), ignoring the fact that they can lead to potentially crippling actions that will destroy our ability to overcome life's pressures. We also need to ask ourselves if the things we fill our lives with are wholesome and uplifting enough to provide us with the force we need to resist outward pressures. Today when I met with the bishop and talked about my plans for recovery, he shared a great insight that resonates with what I've been saying. He warned that I not get too caught up with the recovery actions (going to recovery group, checking in, etc.) that I miss the most important question about my actions--"is this something that's going to invite the spirit into my life?" Similarly, the process of purifying our fuel might be as simple as being sensitive to the things that offend or invite the spirit.

In other words, to become the most efficient and powerful "suns" we can be, we need to fill our life with the purest, most efficient fuel there is--The Son. 

(Re)Lapse in Judgement

When I started going to Sexaholics Anonymous about 8 months ago where we used to live, I met a guy named Kyle whom I came to really respect. He had great spiritual/recovery insights, he cared about his health, and he seemed motivated in his recovery (which he had much much more of than me at the time). And he seemed like a legitimately nice, decent human being. Over the space of a few months, though, Kyle seemed to slip from his confident place of recovery and his focus on others. Each week he would talk about how things weren't where they should be for him and his recovery, but each week I was glad to hear him acknowledge where he came up short--that meant he was going to be alright, right?

Eventually, Kyle got to a point where he started having close calls. One week he caught himself in obsessive thinking and fantasy. The next he actually looked at pornographic images. He caught himself before acting out, and I thought, "ok, now he's going to be alright." A few weeks later, though, and his sobriety date went from many months to a few days. What happened? He knew there was a problem. He knew what he needed to do. He seemed so solid, and he even seemed to take his recovery less for granted than I did (I was impressed enough by his recovery that I didn't think he could relapse). Yet even his amazing attitude and knowledge couldn't stand up to a lack of recovery actions.

I feel like Kyle. Not that I have such amazing insights, motivation, and knowledge, but that I've been gradually sliding from a solid period of recovery into a casual, troubled relapse. And I did. I relapsed last week. And not the "technical" relapse of breaking my sobriety definition, but to full acting out and porn (though not porn with sex acts or even full nudity...so I guess that's something).

After it happened I was dumbstruck. I didn't want to relapse! I had several months of recovery! How could this happen? When I look back, though, I see that it took months for me to get to the place where I was capable of relapsing. For the past month I haven't had a support network--my SA friends I would call, my sponsor, my bishop, and even my nightly check-ins with my wife had all gone away when we moved. I figured my conviction that I couldn't do it on my own was all I needed to do it on my own. What!?

And I guess that's not completely true. I confessed to my bishop a few weeks ago, I've been going to the ARP group, and my check-ins with my wife and brother have happened occasionally. Still, as I admitted in my last post, my recovery actions haven't even come close to outnumbering my addiction actions. Duh I'm going to relapse! (Not that that justifies anything.) Recovery programs only work if you work them! If you're not working them...they're not going to work.

So here's what I'm going to do. Actually, let me copy/paste the list I made at the end of my email to my wife that I sent within a few hours of relapsing:

I'm going to ask a few guys ([specific names]) at ARP meeting next week if we can exchange phone numbers and stay in contact throughout the week. 

I want to talk with the bishop again and confess, then ask him if I can stay in contact with him through email every week. 

I'd like to talk with him about getting one-on-one counseling for me. 

Tonight I'm going to call the guy [my former sponsor] tried getting me in contact with, then I'll call [my former sponsor] until I can get daily support from anyone else (I'm sure he will be more than happy to continue working with me). 

We need to have nightly checkins. At the very least, I NEED for us to have nightly checkins. I'd like to make "did you use solo screen time for entertainment today?" a question you ask me or that I address with specifics every single day. I think that was key. Even if the answer is yes, I'll be able to tell you if it was a healthy use or not.

I'd like to have a period of in-marriage celibacy. We can talk about how many months would be appropriate.

I am set to meet with my bishop on Sunday where I'll confess about this relapse and ask about the weekly emails and counseling. I called my former sponsor, though he didn't answer and I didn't call back. I also didn't call the guy he tried to get me in contact with since I know the guy lives 45 minutes away and I have a deeply embedded desire not to bother people (and a hatred of phone calls). Lame, I know. I haven't met with my ARP group since then, but I'm planning on asking for contact information from one of them after the meeting tomorrow. My wife didn't want our in-marriage celibacy to have a set time period, which I can understand. 

I thought of two other items for the list since then: I'm going to do daily self-assessments based on my deposits and withdrawals idea from my Recovery Account post. Then I'm going to (or would like to) email that list to a support person. If anyone wants to volunteer to get daily emails from me, it would be pretty easy! I know you want to! :)  Anyway, I have a person in mind, but we'll see. Also, I'm going to begin officially working on my steps, including writing about them. I'll probably have my brother work through that step work with me. 

I don't really feel like this relapse was starting over. There have already been a number of difficulties that have come from it that I've handled better than before. Only time will tell if I can use this setback to propel myself back onto the Lord's side, but I'm confident I've learned something about recovery that will help me avoid this particular kind of lapse in judgement in the future.